Writer and Speaker
Dear Linda
I am so confused. I miss my husband, he misses me. We have been separated for five months. He moved in with his girlfriend, and after a month he moved out and into a place of his own. Now he thinks we should try to work things out but I feel very unsure about a future with him. He was so good at lying about his girlfriend. I didn’t notice any clues until the week before he moved out. They had been involved for two years. He started working later and later and going out for errands that would end up taking hours. He lied to me over and over and I missed it. I trusted him completely. How can I ever be sure about him? Confused London
Dear Confused London
It takes two for a marriage to work. No matter how much your husband says he wants to reconcile, the important thing to consider is what you want.
If you feel there is a possibility you can trust him again then consider how the future will look.
What are your expectations?
All of those same conditions still exist. He can work late and that could be the truth. He can go on an errand that ends up taking longer for any number of reasons. How will you feel? Rebuilding trust after such betrayal is a big challenge.
There have been three in your marriage for a few years.
What are your expectations regarding the former girlfriend? She may try to reconnect with your husband. How will you deal with that? She is, in fact, a part of the marriage unless a complete break has happened. What will it take to really believe that your new life together has begun and the only focus is a shared future.
Having clear parameters and expectations is most important as you try to make your marriage work again.
You’ve been apart for a few months. Can you maintain the present arrangement living apart for a time and continue to rebuild the relationship?
Perhaps the most difficult pressure on the relationship right now is too much too fast. If he moves back in and it doesn’t work then the whole painful separation process begins again. The disappointment will be acute.
Walk before you run. Tell family and friends you would like to try again.
Be prepared for some strong feelings from them. Everyone will have an opinion but it is ultimately your own decision. Only you know if it feels like the right decision. Be mindful of yourself, check in with how you are feeling. Spend time on your own and give yourself a chance to view the progress.
You have been though the most extreme emotions in the last few months. Taking things from where they are right now- slowly- will help both of you and give you the best chance of rebuilding your marriage.
It seems you are willing to take the chance that it could work again. Try to be positive and pragmatic. If you are both committed to a future together, then that is all that matters. Your family and friends will accept your decision if they see that you are happy.
CONTACT LINDA
Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk. We will never print your name nor email.
MORE LETTERS TO LINDA CAN BE FOUND HERE
ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON
I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.
Thank you for your comment and advice The Divorce Diva. I’m sure you have helped not just Confused London but many more out there.
Thanks again.
I genuinely know exactly how you’re feeling at this precise moment because I’ve been there !! What Linda says is absolutely true, there’s no need to rush, just observe how you’re feeling, is it him that you’re missing or someone ? observing your emotions and the feelings they trigger is half way to understanding them and what their trying to communicate to you.
Write it down, walk and wail and talk it through with yourself- what is this really about ?? Is this really about him or is it more about you – your fears, insecurities, dreams, expectations- for me this is a time for some deep soul searching and connecting with your inner wisdom , take care of you X