Life after Divorce – Men Have Feelings Too

What really stops me right in my tracks is the unspoken word or thought that women get divorced and men seem to be the cause of it.

Well that’s not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth will ever make divorce a common thread that holds lives together.

A major misunderstanding that men don’t feel the pain of divorce, as women do, is silly and ill spoken.

Divorce is as hard on men, as it is on women and in many cases much more difficult.

In other words, men may be happier in their marriages than women and men may have more to lose in a divorce or breakup, in terms of health and happiness.

Indeed, divorce is associated with worse physical and mental health problems for men than for women (Robards 2012).  These negative health effects are not trivial—men are more likely to develop suicidal tendencies after a separation (Kolves 2010).

Women may experience some health benefits from breaking up. For example, when stable heterosexual couples are asked to sleep apart (not sharing the same bed or sleeping space), women’s quality of sleep is improved whereas men’s quality of sleep is reduced (Dittami et al 2007).

Remember we agree to the same concept of happily ever after, until death do us part.

Divorce means you lose, you lose something and sometimes everything and that is a life changer all by itself.  So my divorce comrades in arms stop. Stop choosing sides, stop making divorce a single thing because it’s not. That old saying that “it takes two to tango” has to resonate in your mind.

All of us must realize that we all experience the same things therefore we must all do something to make the after math of divorce a process of healing. Our goals must be unified, to save lives and save families.  I’ll tell you straight up that men do feel the pain.

I can’t begin to tell you how you will yearn to change your situation into something magical.

You will ask yourself, what can I do to stop time and make my mistakes disappear and get my life back?  Right or wrong you feel the sharpness of the knife’s blade cutting away at your heartstrings. The pain, the encounter, the distrust, that lives within you as you live with rejection and can’t do anything about it, well welcome to the real world of divorce.

This is where we do something about it. As in all things, if you get educated about what’s before you and go into divorce expecting the worst, the chances of it being worse than you expected, are about even.

I’m here to tell you that those sleepless nights will last for what we call a lifetime. You will think of some ungodly things to do to yourself, just a moment of control is all you crave, happiness, a brief smile on your face, a peaceful good night’s sleep, and laughter.

That bright feeling of relief that pours the life into a lost soul wishing it would arrive like a giant wave, that you can surf with pure joy, which brings life to a soul that is suffering.

Give me back my life you cry, give me back my life.  Ahh, what a refreshing thought.  Well it’s time to wake up and smell the poo, because you’ve got to get up, start pacing the room and determine that you are somebody, for a whole lot of reasons.

Most importantly for you, your kids, your family, and your friends. This world needs you. This world can be a better place because of you.

The breakup is over and it sucks. Separation or divorce is sometimes weeks, months, and even years in the making. So recognize that healing is much of the same path or process, but you can do it. It’s a challenge and it’s tough and often you will face loneliness. Suck it up and gather yourself, make an effort, because doing nothing ends up being nothing.

“Are you kidding me”, you say, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve lost everything and I sit here alone, a shattered piece, a lost soul, and I feel like poo. That’s hard to take.  It’s time to fight, not in a negative way, but to demonstrate that you can be a real person again. Step one, care about yourself, so that you can care about others.

Your process is simple rekindle your dreams. Put the gas back in the tank, hold your head up, smile, and put that swag back into your step, then say out loud “I’m back and I’m proud.”

Remember your emotions have been challenged and devastated. You have a lot of time vested in you and in your family. Your heart and your head have to make a commitment that can put the zest back into your life again.

Incentives yes, you have children and family who were hurt very badly and are still struggling sometimes, possibly years later. It’s tough — But that is a good reason to make life after divorce work.

Let’s think; it is not important as to how people perceive you it’s how you perceive yourself.  My friends, you exist because of who you really are and your own guiding light is what you convey to all, as they witness your recovery. Be the biggest thing in the room of life, be a strong man, lead your family to a safer place away from the shattered pieces of a divorced man, and don’t let your broken relationship ruin who you are and what you can be after divorce.

Guy’s (and even Gals), remember this is first about healing not about bills, lawyers, child support and spousal support. It’s about you. You’ve got to start thinking about what’s important to you versus what’s just an obligation. After divorce your responsibility is to you and thus to your family.

Treat Divorce as a contract of responsibility. Swear by those vows of responsibility, become healthy, happy, cope, hope, and heal. It’s a binding commitment that will make for a better life.

When we make it work, all this societal pressure will dissipate and now you must do the absolute, the right thing. I tell you that Divorce can be a GOOD thing. When you allow happiness back into your life and make it the process that heals you again. I am James Brown and this is Divorce The Talk Show.

About James

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.