ADR Divorce Coach
Revive and Rise Coaching
You don’t need permission to leave your marriage. Or if you’re looking for that, then read on. Whether your background and upbringing was drenched in a religious coat or that could not be further from your ideology; maybe there’s something deeply woven in the fabric of your DNA that walking away feels impossibly wrong, a disservice to your “I do’s” causes you to think you could never turn that to an “I don’t”, I’d urge you to be curious about what that leaves on the table.
As many individuals do, I got married on the younger side at only 25 years old. While that may not be as young as some, sitting here writing this in my thirties I can confirm that is quite young. There is only so much life you can live up until that point, and not many even understand themselves and what they want out of life. It felt simple, I had been in a relationship for five years and knew I wanted to be married and have children. The truth is; the weight of being a wife and a mother is so much heavier than you can prepare for, especially if you aren’t asking yourself the hard questions of what you want out of a partner for those endeavours.
Without getting into the nuances of my own specific circumstances, I quickly became unhappy at how things unfolded. A spouse that could not quite carry the responsibilities of home ownership, parenthood and finances that follow. At the end of the day there were qualities I needed within a relationship like patience, sharing household chores, the ability to communicate and make changes as needed. Many things that could not be given to me by the person I was with.
The unfortunate aspect was that I stayed. A narrative society paints is that relationships are “hard”, that so many people in long term relationships have major frustrations and that’s just how things are. I continually looked outward for someone to give me permission to leave, but never received that. I stayed until the situation got to the point that made me feel less “silly” for filing for divorce. I stayed until I couldn’t make an excuse because it directly compromised the safety of my son. I stayed longer than I ever should have.
Being unhappy isn’t a silly reason to leave. Understanding that the person you are with cannot give you what you need is critical, not selfish. Choosing yourself takes so much strength, it is not weak to walk away. When I look back at the version of myself that stayed in a space that held so much negativity, it’s easy to see how much I compromised on. The permission you need is directly correlated with your emotional and mental well being. Let me take it another step further and say that the permission you need is also directly attached to the small human(s) you are raising and model their standards after your choices.
Strangers on the internet or even those closest with you cannot be held liable to push you forward or hold you back. They’re not in your home, they’re not holding your heart, and they are not you. You are the only person that gets to decide what you want, need, and won’t settle for in a relationship. If you’re not receiving that, then you’re also the only person to make the choice to know when to throw in the towel. There is no one size fits all on a time frame either – whether you’ve been married for two hours or twenty years – the biggest price you pay is not staying true to yourself. The best thing you can ever do for yourself and your kid(s) is choosing the best version of yourself, and doing what you need to do in order to achieve that.
About Taylor Beck
Taylor Beck is a certified ADR Divorce Coach that focusses on working with women considering or going through divorce or separation. Her goal is to empower them and support them through their current and following chapters in their lives.