Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist
Family Law in Partnership
Every relationship is different and any conversation about separation is highly personal, but there are themes to consider if you are building up to discussing separation with your partner.
Safety First
When it comes to ending a relationship, safety may be the most significant consideration. In some situations, the moment you tell your partner that you want to separate is when you are most likely to be at risk of violence. If you have any safety concerns, I suggest that you seek legal advice before speaking to your partner (making sure that the act of booking a consultation doesn’t put you at risk). In such a consultation you are likely to think about a practical plan to ensure that you and any children are in a safe place with access to support.
Planning the conversation
It is never going to be an easy conversation, particularly if your partner is not expecting it. Some couples find that going to relationship therapy and looking at the problems in their relationship can help them to transition into the separation more smoothly. Having this kind of support for your relationship can help you to create space to listen to how each other is feeling and can support mourning where necessary. If joint work doesn’t feel possible then it can be helpful to seek your own individual therapy to work out what you feel about the relationship and how to communicate this sensitively.
Timing
With or without couples therapy, I recommend that you think carefully about the timing of the conversation. You may feel there is never going to be a good time, but you can create a space for the conversation to happen by considering the following steps:
- schedule a proper time, giving your partner notice that you want to talk to them – rather than springing it on them spontaneously;
- make it a supportive time when you are able to talk and process what is being said – not just before bed or just before one of you has to go off to work;
- if you have children and it is possible, arrange for them to be looked after by someone else so that you can focus on each other;
- have a plan for afterwards.
Tone
I also recommend that you think about the tone of the conversation and how to make it constructive. If you list all the problems you’ve had with your partner, it is likely to make them defensive and this might get in the way of them being able to take on board what you are saying. This is where it can be helpful to describe the issues in the marriage between you from your own experience, using phrases such as ‘I feel’, rather than making it a blaming conversation. This can be difficult if you have a lot of angry and disappointed feelings towards your partner that you feel you need to express, but in the initial conversation remember that, particularly if the news is coming as a shock to your partner, there is only going to be so much information that they can take on board.
This also links to another consideration – if you have had some time to emotionally prepare for the ending of the relationship you may feel that you want to start talking immediately about the practicalities of separating. Your partner, however, may be processing the emotional side of things and have absolutely no bandwidth for thinking about the practicalities.
For both the person initiating the divorce and the person receiving this information, it can be really helpful to prepare for how this part of the conversation is going to go. You should be prepared to allow each other time and space to process what’s happening.
Transition
Ultimately it is not just about one conversation. The moment you tell your partner that you want a divorce may be the first time it is verbalised, but it may reflect many years of thinking about it. There will be a process, both legal and psychological, that will follow in which it will be important that you both have a support network within which to think about the implications of your separation.
I often work with people who are contemplating or thinking about divorce to give them space to prepare for this big transition in their life and to support them in thinking about how to handle it best in the relationship.
Expert View
Jo Harrison, a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist, says: “Each divorce is different and has its own set of challenges. There are difficult choices to be made and difficult feelings to cope with – whether those feelings are your own or those of your ex-partner. Being able to talk about and process the changes that divorce entails can be really helpful.
Parents can use counselling to think about what is going on for the whole family and how to minimise the impact on any children. Some people come in for a one-off session and others may come more regularly – it really depends on the situation and we can think together about what might be best.”
About Jo Harrison
Jo is a Divorce Consultant and Relationship Therapist with Family Law in Partnership. She is very experienced in working with individuals and couples who are separating. A former family lawyer, Jo has a depth of experience and understands the legal process, which many if her clients find helpful.
If you would like to enquire about support individually in relation to preparing for a divorce or separation, please contact the FLiP relationship support team at E: therapists@flip.co.uk