Families Need Fathers
This article is intended for non-resident parents in the early stages of separation that are starting to experience difficulties with arrangements for their children.
By keeping these tips in mind, you will be giving yourself the best opportunity to resolve you situation as quickly and painlessly as possible:
If you’re having trouble seeing your children, then here are some things you could try:
Don’t leave things too long –It is important not to let things linger. We are sometimes contacted by fathers who have had no contact with their children or their former partners for a number of years before finding out what their options are.
There are still options available for parents in these situations, but it is undoubtedly more difficult than when parents take positive steps soon after separation to get things resolved.
You do not want to allow a status quo of little or no contact to develop, which can be very difficult to reverse further down the line.
Keep records – Keep records of any contact you have with the other parent about contact arrangements. These records can form an important chronology of events if you ever needed to go to court, and can demonstrate the efforts you made to ensure contact could take place smoothly.
Parenting plans – Separated parents often run into difficulties with child arrangements as they are made ‘ad hoc’, and so neither the parents nor kids are sure what may happen from one week to the next.
If your difficulties aren’t so much about having contact but about the regularity or nature of the arrangements, it may be worth spending some time working on a parenting plan.
The advantage of a parenting plan is that it can help parents to create arrangements that work for them and are sustainable. There are lots of draft parenting plans available online, such as this one from Cafcass: www.cafcass.gov.uk
Exploring the family justice system – For some parents, conflict is so high that there is very little chance that they will be able to make arrangements together without some form of outside support. So does this mean you have to go to court? Not necessarily.
Cases can take a long time to resolve, and in the meantime conflict can become entrenched.
Legal aid is now also only available in exceptional circumstances, so the process can get very expensive if you are using legal professionals. If you do need to go to court though, there are ways of managing your own case to keep control over the price; contact our support services if you need any help with this.
Courts expect parents to have attempted mediation before making a court application, so mediation is likely to be most parent’s point of engagement with the family justice system.
Mediation is where a trained mediator acts as a bridge between you and the other parent to help you make an agreement that works for both of you.
Mediation can be very effective, if both parents are willing to cooperate.
It can also be a much cheaper way of resolving differences than court, and legal aid is still available for some parents to access these services. National Family Mediation (www.nfm.org.uk) can provide you with more information about the process.
Remember your ABCs – Michael Robinson from the excellent Custody Minefield website (www.thecustodyminefield.co.uk) has an acronym that I think is ideal for separated parents:
A is for attitude, B is for behaviour, and C is for child-focussed. Attitude and behaviour are crucial, whether you are writing to your former partner, attending mediation or are in court.
If you are behaving in a way that is overly confrontational or aggressive, you are less likely to be taken seriously. You are also not going to be seen as focussed on the needs of your child.
The family justice system works on the principle that the best interests of the child must always come first. If you are unable to demonstrate that you actions are entirely motivated by what you believe will be best for your child, it is unlikely that you will be able to progress your case productively.
Take care of yourself – Finally, it is important to remember amongst all of this to look after yourself. You will not be able to do yourself or your child much good if you are not in the right place physically or mentally, and an important part of the process is managing your approach.
Exercise is often a useful way to relieve stress, as is spending time with friends and spending time on other interests and hobbies that you enjoy.
These tips are not intended to be comprehensive, but to make you think about how the manner in which you approach your situation early on can influence the outcome further down the line.
If you could benefit from further understanding or support or are having trouble seeing your children, please contact one of our support services as soon as you can: www.fnf.org.uk/help-and-support-2
About Ross
Ross Jones has been Policy and Communications Manager at Families Need Fathers since 2011. Founded in 1974, Families Need Fathers is a registered UK charity which provides information and support to parents of either sex. grandparents and wider family members following divorce and separation.
National Helpline on 0300 0300 363
(open 7am – midnight, 7 days a week)
It cannot be acceptable to allow a child to be excluded from a meaningful relationship with a parent following separation for no good reason.
For want of a child-centred framework outlining the norms of post separation parenting, the UK Family Courts and their support service, Cafcass, has allowed children’s relationships with a non-resident parent to be needlessly severed on whim. To operate in this important field apportioning time without any guidelines as to what the norms of post separation might be amounts to systemic failure. Resulting dire longterm ramifications for children and society of manufacturing needless one-parent families can be witnessed all around us. Its been happening in secret for decades. Ironically, such outcomes are both inevitable; yet, almost entirely avoidable. Solutions are at hand.
I rescued my children from the Courts having dismissed my solicitor, utilising a time-based framework. So many others have benefited in the same way too! It’s about time that Cafcass slogan ‘putting children first’ actually means putting children first.
Well done for rescuing your children from the courts! Would be interesting to find out exactly how you did it for so many other’s sake.
I always so that the divorce in itself is important but what is even more important is how it’s handled as that in itself can end up being the primary trauma for a child.
Let us know if you would like to share your story and method with us for publication.
I, as a child therapist, have created an online course for parents, carers and divorce professionals on how to help children cope with divorce as well as how to go about creating an age appropriate parenting plan. Have a look here.
https://www.udemy.com/helping-children-cope-with-divorce-and-separation/?dtcode=I3bn1ia2uhyt
Thanks Kenneth.
Soila
Hello Soila, Thank you for your reply. In essence, once a parent understands the weight placed on Cafcass reports and the officers opinion – one can start to turn matters around in their child’s best interests.
I utilised a time-based child-centred framework crafted by the professional association of FCWO’s along with parental alienation articles published in the Family Law Journal to ‘educate’ the Court Welfare officer; formerly from Probation Service with little if any knowledge of family work. (What on earth was he doing there?)(Apparently he was one of the ‘better’ officers according to his manager). When a District Judge granted an Order to afford the children regular parenting time, the welfare officer decided to cancel it thereby usurping the judicial function. Having properly documented the failings of the court welfare officer’s one-sided approach; absence of training in, or knowledge of, PA; and lack of awareness of the norms of post separation parenting time, a Senior Judge removed court welfare from the case – whereby progress immediately ensued, and the conflict over quantum and frequency of our children’s time was resolved.
Since then, for nearly 2 decades, I have helped hundreds of parents rescue their children’s futures, both ‘non resident’ fathers and mothers.
Given the foregoing, one might ask ‘who is the real expert’? In my view it is the parent. Sometimes it is incumbent upon parents to train those upon whom they are supposed to rely.
Kenneth Lane
http://www.contactmatters.co.uk
have had the same problems. My x stopped access 10 months separated I had my children every weekend then when I meeting a new partner my x stopped contact . I couldn’t afford to fight it in court it’s been 6 years now . And my 13 year old daughter passed away from cancer this month and my x wouldnt give Me access to her even hospice said no I have no police record or violence . But now have lost my daughter and never said good bye . I also have a son who’s 11 with her which I now need so you must get contact early not where I messed up
Hi Paul,
What a difficult comment to read. I am so very sorry about what you have had to experience. Not sure if you’re in the UK but do get in touch with the charity families need fathers and see if they can help you in any way.