Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce
After divorce, when moving on, there are pros and cons to living together. Would domestic drama drive a wedge in your relationship or are you in sync – both morning larks or night owls? When newly in love after divorce, little things slip by which can be a deal breaker down the road. It is easy to be caught up in the passion of a new love. Take a pause. Consider practicalities. What is important to each of you? Here is a check list.
- Amount of alone time daily
- Need for quiet (such as for meditation) at a particular time of day?
- Need for loud music, such as when exercising or running inside
- Entertaining styles. Having people over at home vs meeting friends out
- How often to have relatives visit
- Pets
- Neatness
- Splitting chores, tasks
- Splitting bills, financial issues
A question is whether to move into one of your places or to find a new one together. Some want to start their lives in a new place which does not hold memories of the past. They decorate together, mixing both of their possessions harmoniously.
Logistics can play a part in a decision. If one person wants to stay near elderly parents and the other wants to be by their work, then compromise. It does not have to one or the other. Do both. Stay in each other’s homes frequently, and meet in the middle occasionally for a dirty weekend. The important thing is to have quality time with each other, not necessarily day-to-day.
Anticipation is important, which happens more when living apart. Planning trysts when living separately adds spice to a relationship. It is easier to look glamorous when not living in the same place.
Others who have compatible life styles may enjoy living together. They cook, take on house projects, plan gardens and grow closer with common interests. It is nice to have built in companionship. Someone to binge watch a series with, or pop into a coffee shop or pub on the spur of the moment. Couples have said they enjoy living together and spending more time at home.
Couples have chosen not to live together so family and relatives can drop in whenever. They don’t have to plan ahead and get their partner’s okay. When having clients come to your home for treatments or care, it can get complicated if your partner is present. Several couples who choose not to live together take trips. They experience intense 24-hours a day intimacy – snuggling at night, waking up together etc. Then they go back to their own homes until their next travel adventure.
A couple in London dated two years before they moved in together. Issues that were okay before, blew up when co-habituating. He is frugal and they had taken turns paying on dates. When living together, he scrutinised every bill and expense. It was a struggle to get reimbursed. She began keeping score: who cooked, cleaned more etc. The romance got stifled with domestic issues. Their sex took a nose dive.
Have good, honest communication when deciding whether or not to cohabitate. People crave different levels of alone time. An introvert may not want a lover around 24/7, while an extrovert enjoys the company. If you want to live together and not drive each other crazy, is there an area in your house where you can retreat? Some couples are able to cohabitate when they have separate bedrooms. They have different bedtimes or sleep issues such as snoring.
Be creative and willing to compromise. Respect boundaries and do not allow yourself to be pushed into a situation which is not comfortable.
Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce. https://globalguidetodivorce.com
She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.