Thriving after Divorce – not just Surviving

It’s been a little while since my last article for The Divorce Magazine.

I was quite unwell and a couple of times where I found myself wondering how I would like to be remembered when I’m no longer here.

Would l want to be remembered as that woman who got married because all she was looking for was a refuge?  No, not just that.

What about as the woman who ‘fled’ her marriage leaving her kids behind?  There was certainly more to it than that.

Then it dawned on me that I had survived divorce but when I looked up the definition of “survive” in the Webster Dictionary, I wasn’t satisfied:

“to live beyond the life or existence of; to live longer than; to outlive; to outlast; as, to survive a person or an event.”

Then a better word came to mind, Thrive. This I think is better than survive right?

Thrive: to prosper in any business; to have increase or success.

Yep, I found it!

I am thriving after divorce and succeeding in my new business of moving past my divorce. I don’t know about you but I believe that usually after a divorce we think it’s all finished, to say the least.

How do I know I’m thriving and not just surviving?

Firstly: I left my Country. I needed to do this. It was too much to bear.

I couldn’t stay there and not be able to keep my sons because I didn’t have a home of my own, a steady income, any support, not even the will to engage in those fierce legal battles which often follow a divorce.

Worst of all, I was the one who abandoned the marriage.  

I escaped to Dubai, but just couldn’t survive out there and had to return home a bigger ‘loser’ than when I had left.   My next move was to Tanzania where I lived and worked for one year.   When my contract ended, I returned home to a ‘what next?’.  My next and final move was to Brussels in January 2013.  

Secondly: I met my Darling Darling: Yes, life goes on after a divorce.

At some point I felt ready to embark on another soul journey in search of a soul mate. After a divorce,we can be truly fragile regardless of what we portray to others.  Well, I speak for myself.

After I left, I dated a series of men and even went out to meet one in Dubai even though I knew he wasn’t going to be my ‘special’ and hopefully ‘final’ one.

In Tanzania, l flirted with a 50 year old divorced father of four and an Indian Moslem of 65 (who told me he had a youthful spirit in spite of his age) but I couldn’t go there, not even for the fun of it!  I was however glad to meet him, share a flat with him and cook for him as long as he paid for my services with cash.

My next and final move was to Brussels in January 2013 and  when settled down, I set out to look for a soul mate.

No ‘real’ body however spoke to me on the streets or wherever and I was almost giving up. So I turned to dating sites. I dared and tried signing up to a couple but couldn’t pay the fees.  I gave it one more go and  got two interests. I threw my ‘dice’ and picked the one who is today my DD; Well, we both did the picking and recently celebrated our first anniversary. After all, who says the likes of ‘us’ do not deserve some ‘real’ love?

Thirdly: I wrote my book 

I wrote and self published my book. This is a big feat for me and it was , hmm, therapeutic! It even got my ex and I to finally get to start talking again in depth.  

I’m so happy with myself and my DD  for all his love and support.  I had to and still do have to overcome several obstacles within and without my family, community, society but I continue to THRIVE!

I will be going home in June to see my boys.  I am moving on even though my emotions and wellbeing continue to be affected by a mix of things but optimism than anything. I have taken great leaps and bounds.

I sincerely think it is up to us to choose if we, after a divorce, will only Survive or  THRIVE!

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption