Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Of course divorce is a difficult process. It’s more often than not shrouded in anger, animosity and resentment. Children get caught in the middle of it all and families and friends are split at times forever.
Yet despite all this, divorce has it’s benefits and advantages, whether you grab them or not is a different matter.
Divorce has its hidden treasures and gifts.
Each time I say this, I’m met with either a raise of eyebrows or a barrage of questions, some a tiny bit on the angry side. How dare I put the words treasure and divorce in the same sentence?
Well I can and I do and here’s why.
It is so very possible to use your divorce as a catalyst to reconnect with life and love. I should know, I have been divorced twice.
Of course and as in most things, there are cases where this taking charge of your new life is terrifyingly difficult as in the cases where children and parents are separated or abducted. I have no answer to this as I cannot imagine anything more difficult than not being with my girls.
However, where it’s a “straightforward” divorce and both parents are in contact with their children, here are 6 treasures that divorce has for you, if only you can start taking advantage of your divorce:
- No matter how acrimonious it is or was, divorce provides you with a new life – you can either embrace it or reject it the choice is entirely yours. You cannot live both in the past and in the present – one of them will rule and affect the other. Pick the present and you will find a whole new life and world before you, one that might be difficult in the beginning but as you continue on this new path your journey becomes easier and more fulfilling. The first step in doing this requires that you accept that your marriage is over. Really truly accepting that it’s done and that’s that and start writing your new chapter!
- As the saying goes, “it takes two”. When a marriage ends, it’s never due to the fault of one person. It may not be equal
What’s the title of this new chapter in your life? Go ahead and start writing it. blame but we all do play a role in the creation and breakup of relationships. If you can take responsibility for your own role in the demise of your marriage and accepting it completely, chances are that you will not repeat them in your next relationship nor in others be they platonic, business or otherwise. I have yet to meet someone who is and remains totally adamant that they had absolutely nothing at all to do with the break-up.
Once you look at your divorce as being partly your doing, then you give your next relationship a much, much better rate of survival. There is truly a reason why the rate of divorce in second marriages is much higher than the first.
- By knowing and understanding why you picked the person that you married then you will know what to avoid next time. The chances of getting involved with the same person albeit in a different from, will be eliminated. Are you attracted to the needy type, the controlling type or the one who is just unavailable.
- Being able to handle what divorce throws your way and moving on means that you realise your abilities, capabilities and power and this can give you that oomph you need to venture out there and try new things because you can do it! And should divorce come knocking on your door again, you know that you will be fine.
- When you realise all these things, the biggest and best thing that happens is that you learn to listen to yourself again. Your instinct shines through because you have taken the time to work through the divorce and it’s repercussions, discarding what you want and keeping a hold of what works for you. You have made and created space for this to happen and this gut feeling, this instinct, whatever it is that you want to call it, never means you any harm.
As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@parentinglives.co.uk