Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

• Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
• Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

• Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
• Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

• Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
• Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

• Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
• Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

• Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
• Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
• The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

• Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
• Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

• In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
• Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
• Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

• Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
• Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
• Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

• Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
• Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
• Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.