Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching
Travel is the best way to get lost and found at the same time – Brenna Smith
Have you ever taken a solo vacation?
I’ve just returned from a week of solo travel in Australia, and it’s inspired me to reflect on the joy of travelling alone.
Solo travel is personally fulfilling in so many ways. I know many people don’t agree with this one. Several people have told me they are hesitant to vacation alone, especially after coming out of a marriage or long-term relationship.
I understand. I used to feel the same way.
But there’s something so liberating about finally being comfortable venturing out into the world as a single person without needing a partner to make it feel fun or worthwhile.
When I first got divorced, it was a different story.
When my marriage ended, I didn’t feel whole or complete. What’s worse is that I didn’t realize I felt this way on a conscious level. It was all buried way down in my subconscious.
I often felt empty and depressed when I wasn’t dating or when someone wasn’t messaging me. I thought only another love interest could fill the persistent void within. So, I never gave myself the opportunity to do things alone. When my kids were with their Dad, I would stay home unless I had someone to go and do things with.
I used online dating apps to meet lots of people to ensure I was never having to do anything by myself.
It was during this time I met someone who I thought was the perfect person for me. I started a serious relationship quickly despite recognizing many red flags.
I didn’t want to admit that those red flags were there because I wanted someone to take away the loneliness and emptiness I felt whenever I tried to face my fear of being single.
When that relationship ended three years later, I made a commitment to myself that I would stay single for a while despite the same feelings of emptiness and loneliness starting to plague me again.
My biggest post-divorce challenge.
It was not easy to sit still and face those feelings. Not by a long shot. There were times of deep darkness and discomfort as I wrestled with the idea that having someone by my side was the only way to enjoy my downtime.
Little by little, I worked through those feelings. I started to challenge where they were coming from. Why did I feel this way about spending time on my own?
I realized that a lot of it was coming from within. I was projecting my feelings of inadequacy and lack of purpose out into the world, and I felt self-conscious and awkward when I first started to get out of my comfort zone and into my new normal.
Nothing worth having comes easy. I’d remind myself of this when I would once again consider downloading the dating apps onto my phone and start the merry-go-round again.
I could feel myself reaching for the quick fix, and I wanted to do things differently this time. I wanted to overcome my feelings of needing someone to be next to me in order to enjoy life.
What have I learned?
Since I committed to giving myself time to truly be alone, I’ve been on three solo trips overseas and countless solo trips within my own country. It’s been an absolute revelation to see how amazing it can be to travel without a partner.
When you travel alone, the itinerary is yours. The timeframes are yours. The budget is yours. There’s nothing more enjoyable than planning a trip knowing that you don’t have to modify anything you want to do or see to suit someone else.
When I travel alone, I’m more receptive to talking to the people around me. I’ve met many great people who have enriched my life and contributed to my personal growth.
Last year, during a solo trip to the USA, I went out to eat on my own. (A fate worse than death, according to my sister). I sat at the bar, and within half an hour, I was doing the quiz with a guy called Jessie, who had just separated from his husband and was venturing out alone.
We bonded over divorce, BBQ ribs and cheesy pub quiz questions. I still keep in touch with Jessie today; he’s a great guy. Had I been with anyone else that night, Jessie and I would never have connected.
It takes guts.
I understand that for many of us, going out to do things on our own is incredibly challenging. There is awkwardness, self-consciousness, sadness. You may even feel like a complete failure, like you can’t get a partner or make new friends. (Been there, felt that!).
The key is to understand that everybody who goes through a divorce feels that way sometimes. In fact, most people can’t bear to feel like that, so many divorced people stay home rather than go out on their own.
Being able to break those bonds has opened up an entire new world, one that I love. It’s like breaking the shackles of what other people think and living in the moment.
You don’t need to be with anyone else to enjoy eating out, socialising or travelling.
Who knew??
I felt incredible freedom and joy as I drove along the Pacific Coast Highway in Australia last week. Now that I’ve overcome my resistance to travelling alone, I am truly comfortable and happy to book holidays and throw myself into whatever experiences come my way.
Who knows how long it will be until I’m in a relationship again? I want to enjoy as much time travelling alone as I can while I have the opportunity.
If travelling alone is something you’re nervous about but have been wanting to try, do it in small steps. Try taking yourself out to dinner or lunch on your own. Maybe book one night somewhere out of town you’ve wanted to explore. You may be suprised to find that it’s far more enjoyable than you anticipated.
Eventually, you could be ready to take an overseas trip on your own and have some life-changing experiences that contribute to your personal growth in ways you couldn’t imagine.
Here’s to getting out into the world and enjoying the freedom that comes from making all of our own choices!
Read more articles by Carol Madden.
About Carol Madden
Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.
I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.
I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.
As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.