Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd
Resilience isn’t a skill, or a thing that we achieve, it’s how we organise our lives on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. We can pretty much guarantee that life will throw curve balls at us. It’s not possible to insulate oneself against that, but only possible to be living in a way that means we are more likely than not to walk away from those experiences rather than be ended by them. If life is a care journey, then resilience is the safety belt. If you have never had a crash in your car doesn’t mean you get rid of the seat belt.
So what are the seat belts and the crumple zones of life?
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Loving, diverse and honest relationships
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General health and wellbeing lifestyle
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Self knowledge
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Broad range of interests
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Growth mindset
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Capacity to see the bigger picture
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Basic needs met – Safety, food, accommodation
When we divorce it’s pretty obvious that some of these resilience factors will be affected. Our basic needs might be at threat and our range of relationships for instance. It may take some time to make those factors more secure, but as we can see other things factor in our capacity to survive the emotional crash. We can turn to our self care and ensure we meet that, we can ensure we keep our hobbies and interests going and not let them slide, we can focus on healthy living by ensuring we exercise and eat properly.
The fundamental lesson of resilience is that it is achieved via a network of intersecting behaviours and attitudes that don’t work alone. Again thinking about a car crash, the force of the impact is spread through the whole of the car’s system. The crash is spread around the car and therefore is more survivable. The car might end up a right off, but we can walk away.
Why does having a growth mindset and seeing the bigger picture help?
Studies have shown that one of the useful effects of spiritual beliefs in life is a lesson that it inspires us to go through and experience rather than succumb to it. Believing in the big picture that struggle is an important teacher of growth reduces the risk of depressive collapse or anxious avoidance. It’s not necessary to have a specific belief system but simply to believe that life is not out to get you! As Churchill is ascribed to have said, ‘if you find yourself in hell, keep going’. This ability to keep going and take action is crucial in resilient living. Resilience isn’t a feeling state, it is keeping going.
What about self knowledge?
It’s not about what you know about yourself, your own personal diagnosis of yourself that is important, but the skills around thinking and behaviour modification that you used to develop the knowledge. Ford used to cream off the top history graduates every year to join their corporate management structure, not because of the knowledge base of for example Tudor Kings and Queens, but because of the skills in dealing with complex information sources and making some sense of that. Similarly in terms of self knowledge it’s not what you know about yourself but the skills you have in continuing to know yourself as you go through change; a personal form of self reflective practice.
Maintaining your health and looking after yourself should be self evident as a useful thing to do during stressful times of change, but let’s make it easy:
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Maintain healthy eating habits as much as possible but also be compassionate if you comfort eat. Eat to a timetable not to feelings of hunger or not. Stress messes up your appetite, so use your diary not your feelings.
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Stay hydrated with water, not wine!
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Rest and sleep, if you can’t sleep then rest. Maintain good ‘sleep hygiene’ (search that term).
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Exercise, preferably outdoors if you can manage it.
Above all, be compassionate to yourself and try to say nice things to yourself in your head as much as possible. If you can’t think of any then search for positive affirmations and use some of those lists.
Read more articles by Noel McDermott.
About Noel McDermott
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/