Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker
This article is the second part to the ‘Write Away with Linda Simpson‘ series.
One of the many jolts that I recall after my divorce was wondering – Who am I? My sense of self was lost somewhere in the isolation he had created in our marriage. Now I had to find myself, claim myself and my journal played a large part in that journey of self-discovery.
The Key Word is Compassion.
Failure hangs in the air after a divorce. Questions about why it happened and self-accusations are easy. But your life is all about today and the future. Yesterday is history and it is time to focus on today, tomorrow, and your future. Be the you-you have always wanted to be. You are stronger than you think, and the future will prove that.
Your journal can be anything you want it to be. Whether you want to write only one sentence or pages, the key is to write, reflect, and grow.
It is time to focus on all the positives you possess as you reconnect with yourself. Be self-compassionate for a moment. How do you see yourself? Here are some questions for reflection in your journal.
Answer this question- what is positive about me in this life change? Maybe ask that question to a trusted friend or family member too. My sons saw a remarkable positive change in me. Free from the stress and the constant barrage of criticism, I was experiencing a brand-new time in life and so are you. What does that mean to you? Be fierce on the page and claim your place in this new chapter.
In my situation, I could now do as I wanted to do. For far too long I let him dictate how I lived my life. I honestly believed his constant criticisms of my capabilities. Negative power over someone is cruel.
Consider all the things you notice about being single. Here you can write about some of the fun things.
One of my favourite stories, which to this day gets a reaction from others, was being the guardian of the remote for the first time. No more watching someone else flip through the TV choices, switching shows midway, or listening to a running commentary of the action.
In your journal, begin a few sentences with – Now I can ………
Making decisions on your own can be scary.
Make a note of all the decisions you have made in your new life. What ones worked brilliantly? What ones were the life lessons and what did you learn? Write about how these decisions can be a burden but also remember that this is the learning stage of a new life.
There are challenges with assuming all the responsibility as a single because single means just that –if you do not take out the garbage it does not get done. What are some responsibilities you do not enjoy? Write about them and then look at what you might do to change your attitude toward them or consider another way of getting the job done. Sometimes we hang onto responsibilities to prove a point and all it does is create more stress.
What was easy?
What has been the easiest part about being single? When I look back on several decades my first inclination is to say the sense of freedom I have. Thirty years later I still connect to my sense of freedom in so many ways. My meal choice, my friend choice, my holiday choice, and having all the blankets all the time still feels brand new in many ways. Write about what has been easy for you.
You are connected to your past, your present, and your future. But in those early days stay focused on your present. When you journal, consider all the good things that happened in the day or the past week. Open your eyes to everything around you. It may be that friendly smile you noticed, or it may be that birdsong or the music you heard.
There IS beauty in every day, and it is your challenge to find it. When you write about it include your feelings. How did this bright spot make you feel? What happened next?
Be honest with yourself.
There will be times when you feel sad. I made a promise to myself after such a long sad time to not be sad because that was continuing to give him power over me. Eventually, you reclaim your personal power and the capacity to celebrate the new you.
If you are lonely do the same. Write about it and think all around the feelings you have. Then look at ways to swap out loneliness for being comfortably alone.
More than anything else, be kind to yourself, be gentle, and be compassionate. You are the only you there is in this world. Decide what you want. Connect to your future. This is a new chapter in your life waiting to be written. Your journal will be with you every step along the way.
Read more articles by Linda Simpson.
About Linda Simpson
“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.