Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
For part 1 (Raising Children of divorce – The need to be excluded from adult matters) and part 3 (Raising Children of divorce – The need both parents).
This is part 2 Raising Children of Divorce – Conflict Free Environment – where we talk about providing children of divorce with a conflict free environment.
Let’s keep it real though. Even in “happy” homes there will be moments and times where disagreements will happen. There will be occasions where parents will get into a proper heated argument that the children will not like hearing. It happens.
Let’s also remember that if there was no conflict, however subtle or understated, then you most likely may still be together.
So conflict is indeed expected at some level but three things will determine just what effect it will have on your children – the frequency of the conflict, it’s intensity as well as how it’s resolved, I’m not talking resolved with the other parent in conflict but how it’s resolved with the children or in their eyes.
The first two points are self-explanatory I would assume, but let me explain the third.
Providing your child with an opportunity to talk about what happened between daddy and mummy equates with providing them with a chance to package their anxieties and worries and hand them over to someone else to deal with. This then allows them to carry on, as best as possible, with their lives and feel that they are being taken care off.
If you are not able to carry their emotions then find someone who will; a family member, a friend of yours or a professional. But do, do something for them.
If they are unable to talk or discuss what is going on or what happened, then being left with all the ensuing emotions, thoughts and beliefs inside them will only aid in enhancing their insecurities, sense of fear of it happening again. They don’t have the maturity to manage a pack of negative emotions. You do.
The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.
If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough. It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you,for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.
Soila
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
[…] you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, […]