Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd
Christmas is a stressful time of year and if there are any underlying vulnerabilities which are not managed then they are likely to surface and this is true right across the board. During this time we see many relationships under pressure and tensions increased. Divorce Monday is a term coined by the news media and oddly enough by divorce lawyers on their websites and it refers to the rise in enquiries to divorce solicitors on the first working Monday after the festive season. The key take out is that external factors play a huge role in our intimate family relationships and the festive season can be full of these challenges.
Some people hold onto a fantasy that everyone will somehow do their bit and pitch in to make it a special time of year. In fact our capacity to do that is often paradoxically severely reduced at this time of year and we need to be realistic about that and plan accordingly.
There are many factors that can lead to this overload of one’s capacity to cope and may include:
- Expectation versus reality, if expectation is too far away from reality then there will always be problems
- Financial pressures
- Problems with extended family members that can’t be managed by not seeing them
- Alcohol over-consumption
- Pre-existing vulnerabilities reactivated or triggered by the festivities
- Winter blues
It’s not surprising then that relationships can crack at this time of year as often it may be the case that couples struggling in their relationship have developed coping strategies for stress that activate defensiveness in their partner and vice versa. A vicious cycle that can’t operate the first rule of a relationship surviving challenging times. That rule is it’s not the relationship which is the problem it’s the situation. For example, if you don’t have money to cover bills it is a problem that will make you feel bad. Often we can end up blaming ourselves and our partner for the bad feelings rather than accepting that the bad feelings about the financial problems are to be expected. Getting help to manage those feelings is the key. This is the rule for all real world stresses and understanding that Xmas is a real world stress goes a long way towards accepting and forgiving ourselves and our partners for finding it challenge. This is called normalisation. It’s normal to feel loss at the death of a loved one, it’s not an illness or a personal failure. It’s equally normal to find Christmas stressful.
Accepting this idea leads to the next very important skill which is to not take this stress and the reactions of others to it so personally. It’s a big ask but accepting that your partner has coping strategies you find difficult but are not actually aimed at you personally to wind you up is a very useful skill. There is a caveat here which is true for all relationships. that those strategies are non abusive. If they are abusive then seek professional help and get advice on leaving your partner safely. The more you can depersonalise these issues the better, it’s akin to the mindful observer position. Have interest in what you see but don’t attach to it.
The next major task is to ditch expectations of what Christmas should be like in your situation and work with what it is like. For example there is no possibility that the member of your family/in law’s family that has always gotten drunk and started an argument and will not do it this year. Not unless they became sober since last year, attend AA and have had loads of therapy. The task is not to hope for a miracle but to plan for the risk they present and manage that risk. Think of it in this way, crossing a road requires you to assess risk of being run down and manage that risk by crossing in a manner that is safe. So let’s say you live on a quiet cul de sac, it’s unlikely the risk of getting run down is high and so when you go out the door to visit a neighbour you might do a quick visual check for a bike, but if outside your front door is a busy trunk road you are probably going to find a crossing and use that to go visit your neighbour on the other side of the road. So with that drunk angry person, ask yourself what level of risk are they? Can they be passed around and the emotional load shared, can they be packed off in a cab at the point they become unpleasant or indeed do you need to say they can’t come?
So what can we do during this time of stress as individuals?
- Get outside as much as possible, both as an individual as a couple and as a family. Nature heals, your park as much as a local coastline walk. It’s called the biophilic effect and is evidenced to reduce stress and promote a sense of connectedness
- Exercise is the single biggest effect on wellbeing we have. Keep regular activity in your life
- Step back emotionally and practice managing reactivity. Try not to amplify any highly expressed emotion
- Keep perspective. It’s normal to feel stress at this time and this is time limited
- Program in time with friends who don’t cause you stress
Another useful skill is learning how to forgive yourself and learning to meet your emotional needs for support. You are reading this because you care enough to feel responsible for making things better. There are things you can make better but also things you can’t. You are a good person trying their best to improve themself and the situation of others. You work hard to love your family and make them feel special. You are their Christmas, your love and desire to be there for them is the best present you are ever going to give them. You can’t and shouldn’t try to make things perfect just try achieving something that is good enough. Good enough is good enough”.
Read more articles by Noel McDermott.
About Noel McDermott
Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/