“Looking back, I knew my relationship was flawed, and I mean deeply flawed. We practically hated each other and yet we got married – Why? Because the prospect of rebuilding my life seemed to be more daunting than staying in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship.”
This is a common feature of why people stay in unhappy marriages because the fear of dealing with the fall out is crippling.
We all just want to be transported from miserable situation to perfect future life straight away.
Unfortunately, life does not happen like that but you can get to your perfect future quicker if you are prepared to do the work. You see your future is created by you and only you.
If you sit back and do nothing, then nothing will change in your future.
Take control of your decisions and your life can be transformed. Here are a few strategies to kick start you to creating that perfect future.
- The first thing to do is to focus on the Now – This may seem all too ambiguous so what I mean is this; Write a list of what is holding you back and make the time to correct it i.e. finances. What is the impact on the financial situation since you separated? Do you need to address your income and expenditure? Ignoring this now could have grave consequences in the future but is often an area that people like to put off.
- Acknowledge your pain – Yes, you are hurting, yes you may be angry, some people are even relieved that their marriage is over. The important thing is to acknowledge your pain, whatever that is. If you need to cry, then cry, shout then shout just don’t deny your feelings. All too often I see people posting pictures on Facebook claiming their life is wonderful when there is a photo posted of them staggering out of a club, pain etched all over their face. Numbing your emotions with alcohol and drugs will just prolong you having to deal with them. If you can’t face dealing with the emotions by yourself, use your friends, family or even coach or counsellor. It is really important to acknowledge your grief.
- What’s working and what is not? – Your Divorce provides you with an opportunity to really transform your future. Think about what is enhancing your life currently and what is hindering it. This is a useful exercise because it really gets us to evaluate our activities. Humans are creatures of habit and often we do things because we have always done them, not because it serves us any purpose. What in your life can you let go of?
- Take control of the practicalities– In every relationship, we have jobs to do round the house. Someone is the predominant family cook, someone sorts the cars, does the garden, washing etc. When you separate, this leaves a gap. Say your ex always mowed the lawn be he is no longer here. If you ignore it then the grass will grow and will be a constant reminder of the separation. Get yourself a mower and get out there and do it yourself. You may even find it liberating.
- Be Kind to Yourself – You are going through a tough time, and will have good days and bad days. So, it is important to be kind to yourself. A facial, new hairdo, time to meditate, pray, go out for dinner, whatever you need. Be kind to yourself and be grateful to yourself for making the time.
- Re-Organise the space– If you are remaining in the house, re-arrange the furniture, re-define the space as yours. If you have moved elsewhere then try redefining something else like you wardrobe. Use the time to have a clear out, be ruthless. Its shifts your energy and helps you feel in control.
For more information and tips about getting through Divorce go to www.northhousecoaching.com
Adele McCormack is a trained and accredited Coach specialising in Relationships and Divorce. Also a qualified Social worker with a background in Mental Health and Substance misuse, Adele is skilled at helping people rebuild their lives following dysfunctional and abusive relationships.
You find out more about Adele and her work here – www.northhousecoaching.com
Adele has also been featured as an expert on BBC Radio Cambridgeshire and the Dr Jackie Black podcast in Canada.
In collaboration with Sara Collins (divorce solicitor and coach) they have created the New Dawn Divorce Retreat offering an intensive healing experience for people going through Divorce. For more information visit www.northhousecoaching.com/divorce-retreat
I realize you can’t blame your partner for the breakdown in communication between yourselves and your family. It takes two. I learned to be strong, stay strong, and say no! I am a good person and no one deserves to accept emotional abuse. Ten years later….I am a super great person, no one has to remind me or tell me. I know it and I live it! If I can do one small thing a day that makes me happy. Whether I do something for someone else that gives me pleasure, I know giving of myself to others creating happiness or a better understanding of themselves creating their own pleasure, it what makes my life whole!