Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker
I have never been happier. He left a year ago. At first I was gutted but then with each day of freedom and independence I felt better. Not having to worry about someone’s moods, or piles of dirty clothes or their lies. I don’t miss any of it. I love being on my own and feel like I may never marry again. Is this normal?
It is perfectly normal and many discover, just like you, that being married is not for them. At least marriage with the person who left is not for them.
For many of us there is no empty space. We don’t see an empty chair and quite enjoy sprawling out over the whole bed. This is an attitude or choice we make to not let the person who left leave a space in our lives. It gets filled up with conviction and plans for a new life ahead.
After that initial shock wears off we discover we really like this new life. Certainly don’t feel guilty for these feelings. Many would envy you who feel trapped in the aftermath of divorce and have not found the way forward.
For those that can’t move forward as you have done, it is giving power to the person that left. They don’t deserve that power because it allows them to diminish your new life. What you have done is chosen to not let his choices affect your attitude.
Why would we miss someone who does not want to be with us?
Many people spend enormous amounts of time immersed in a sadness for the leaving partner. They left because they did not want a life together.
Rejection is difficult but getting to a place of acceptance that the person who left is gone and wanted to be gone is the goal. It also begs the question –why did we invest emotionally in them in the first place?
Remember the old saying ” we want to get better, not bitter’ and clearly you have done that.
Being where you are emotionally means your conversations will not be about him but about you, your hopes and dreams and future.
It is also important to be comfortable with being single as you clearly are. Head held high is the key. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely because someone left who did not want to be with us gives them too much power over our new life.
Why suffer when we can choose to be content and confident? That is perhaps the best outcome because your attitude and ability to live as you do is a clear statement to your world. Although you may not have been the reason for the breakup, it happened and you have fully embraced this future you were handed.
Many people with happy healthy relationships do not live together. You may find a future like that someday but for now enjoy this feeling of freedom and personal control.
One thing every divorced person learns is what we don’t want in a new relationship.
We can look at all the negatives of the former partner’s personality and character and make a much better choice next time around. It sounds like your life is filled with many possibilities and your future will be whatever you choose it to be.
Bravo!
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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON
“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl
Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.
As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.
She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.
She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’
In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.
She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.
She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.