How to Handle a Narcissist Ex Partner

It would be misleading to write a prescriptive list of next steps because one of the key stressors of dealing with a narcissist – ex or otherwise – is unpredictability. Their reaction to a break-up is often rage, mortification, blame, threats, emotional manipulation, and guilt tripping.

They may do this by:

1. Blaming you for the relationship failing and accusing you of not trying hard enough or being selfish.

2. Threatening to harm themselves if you don’t give it another go or say their own family is getting ill because of the breakup. This is guilt tripping.

3. Hoovering or sucking you back into the relationship by love bombing and telling you all the things they know you want to hear.

4. Future faking and selling you a fantasy. This is another strategy whereby they assure you, very dramatically, that they will not only change but promise to give up their addiction or get a job or stop cheating and gambling. This time it will be different. Another con.

5. Faking crises and amplifying illness. This could be by implying that they or your children are in danger and need help. This justifies contacting the non-narcissistic parent. An example might be where the narcissistic parent informs the other that their child has a (fabricated) terminal illness or is in (imaginary) danger. When trying to go no contact this may be the narcissist’s go to. It’s a way of trying to regain control. They will go to extraordinary lengths to convince you and others that the illness or danger is real.

6. Threatening revenge. This may be by saying they will leave you homeless or bankrupt when you leave or threaten physical harm. It is highly likely that they will threaten to take your children away from you. This is plain cruelty and will leave you feeling traumatised.

7. Lie about you. Narcissists lie. They lie pathologically and compulsively, and they will do this when you reject them. You will be painted in the worst light. It might be that they contact your employers and clients, family and friends and will lie about you and they rarely miss the opportunity to try and outsmart you in Court.

8. Stalking is another way the narcissist can continue to try to control you. This is possible on several levels: in person, through social media, spy wear on your phone or computer and even using tracking apps on your children’s phones. Report this to the police or discuss it with your solicitor.

Now you know what to expect – what can you do?

• Set boundaries and stay safe. Avoid meeting in person. If this is unavoidable, ensure you have someone with you that can bear witness and help you to remove yourself from the situation.

• Report stalking at once. Sometimes, when you have been in an intimate relationship you give the other person far too much credit for being a stable, decent human being. Avoid being sentimental. Keep to the forefront of your mind the reality that this person has caused you harm. They may turn up to your place of work, follow you to known haunts and follow you and your friends on social media. Stalking is a crime and calls for police involvement.

• Do not tolerate abuse. Be determined to shut down a raised voice or abusive text by walking away or blocking and reporting them.

• Document and record everything you can. This is helpful when obtaining an injunction or in cases with shared parenting arrangements. Narcissists are unlikely to want to use co-parenting apps because they cannot access you. By collating this written witness, it is helpful when a Court ordered arrangement is being considered.

• If you need to have contact for co-parenting or shared pet purposes, use a co-parenting app. If this is not possible, use text messaging or email to correspond. Then you have everything in writing thus avoiding only having your word for it which can easily be discredited.

• Establish a support system and, if you feel unsafe, speak with the police, and open a case file. Learn about relationship trauma and narcissistic abuse. There are worthwhile free online resources to help with your learning.

• Speak to your employer or your children’s schools and inform them of what is going on. Children who witness domestic abuse are also victims of domestic abuse. HR departments are likely to have a domestic abuse protocol in place.

In terms of healing, take time to:

• Work on your own blind spots. The narcissist is plausible and manipulative. Avoid attributing genuine human emotion to them. They are consummate imitators and very convincing. They know how to look and what to say so do not be manipulated by theatrics. The contortions of angst and tears of declared sorrow are not of remorse or empathy, but of rage at being close to being exposed and murderous anger because you are holding your boundaries. They have a bottomless capacity for self-pity and do not have the capacity for empathy so hold your nerve.

• Acknowledge “withdrawal” from a narcissistic partner that can result in symptoms comparable to that of an addict. This is not a judgement, it’s the science of intermittent reinforcement. Think of a slot machine – just as you are about to move on – the symbols align, and you get enough of a payout. And you stay. The same in relationships – you get a reward just as you are about to leave. It’s science. This can apply to other narcissists in your life; parents, children, employers, friends – you get the picture. Therefore, prepare for withdrawal symptoms and, if you can, find a specialist therapist and make effective use of domestic abuse charities who have an increasing understanding of these psychological processes.

• Distance yourself from your ex. If an ex contacts you to say they are going to harm themselves, call 999 immediately. You are not responsible for the narcissist’s behaviour. They are unlikely to repeat this if police officers turn up to their place of work to check on their wellbeing.

• Stay the course and avoid giving your ex the benefit of the doubt. Ever. They are professional victims and do not consider themselves accountable. They feel entitled to behave in the manner they do because they are owed this much at least.

• Understand why you suddenly become isolated. It is likely that you will be alienated because of your decision to leave. Your narcissistic ex will lie about you, reveal your fears, sexual history, health issues – they will fabricate a falsehood that portrays them as a victim. They may even go one further and present themselves as a survivor who wishes to help other victims. It is especially vicious when they alienate you from your own children and family. It is shocking but not at all surprising.

• Manage your expectations that the ex will change. You may be tempted to hold on to hope but please don’t. They will not change but what they will do is waste more of your time and life if you let them. Avoid judging the range of emotions you are likely to feel, depression, loss, grief, pathological loneliness, and sadness. You may also feel angry and blame yourself. The abuse you have suffered is not your fault.

• Prepare for the worst and seek support from worthy friends who will help you through social and parental alienation, deliberate attempts to sabotage your new life, financial ruin, and lengthy legal cases – the list goes on. And be ready for the long haul. Narcissists find it difficult and often impossible to separate, and will try to control you by proxy. Your ex is likely to use any means necessary to torture you and discredit you. This may include the legal system, your family and friends or employer and your children. They will attempt to manipulate them to pervert your relationship with the people important to you.

• Focus on your mental health and understand the trauma you are going through. Gaslighting and deprivation of physiological, social, and emotional needs will take a toll. There is a specific type of trauma – post relationship trauma – that needs to be worked through. Take your time and grieve. There is a loss. Distance from the narcissist and from the relationship will help you to heal but there may be flashbacks, a sense of dread, anxiety, and other symptoms. These are all perfectly “normal” responses to an abnormal situation.

About Margaret Ward-Martin

Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live.