Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop
Divorce is one of the most challenging transitions a person can face, often upending every aspect of life. As someone who has spent years studying and working in the field of thanatology—the science of death, dying, and grief—I’ve seen firsthand how vital a solid support system is during times of profound change.
Divorce is the death of a relationship that is often complex and messy, requiring tools and strategies to help navigate the emotional, logistical, and practical challenges it brings.
One of the most effective tools I’ve used with clients over the years—and one we’ve included in our Just Separated Workbook—is called the “Four Pillars of Support.” These pillars, originally rooted in the grief world, are critical for anyone going through a major life transition, including divorce. Let’s break down these pillars and explore how they can help you through the process.
1. Peers
The first pillar involves finding the right peer support—people who are also navigating or have already navigated the divorce journey. The right peers offer empowerment and helpful insights rather than constantly feeding anger or resentment. It’s important to surround yourself with peers who encourage growth and healing. Support groups, online communities, or even a trusted friend who’s been through it can make a big difference.
Having peers who understand your unique challenges can also help you avoid feelings of isolation. While some peers helped me see things clearly, and we supported each other, others only fuelled anger and negativity. Choosing the right group and peers is crucial.
2. Professionals
Divorce is not just an emotional process; it’s also a legal, financial, and logistical one. Having the right professionals on your side is crucial. These might include:
- A lawyer or mediator who understands your needs.
- A divorce coach to help you strategise and stay focused.
- A therapist to guide you through the emotional turmoil.
- A financial advisor to help you navigate money matters.
When I found myself in a high-conflict situation, I had no idea how to strategise effectively. In my desperation, I hired the first lawyer I was referred to, but they turned out to be a poor match for my needs. Looking back, I realise how naive I was to assume my ex would be cooperative which he never was in the first place.
If I’d had the guidance of the right legal, divorce coach and/or the right peer support, I would have been far better equipped to handle the realities of dealing with a high-conflict personality. I could have found the clarity and direction I needed during such an overwhelming and confusing time.
3. Friends and Family
Support from friends and family can be invaluable during a divorce, but it’s important to recognise that not all relationships will serve you well during this time. While some friends might offer unwavering support, others—sometimes even family members—can unintentionally add to your stress or enable unhealthy dynamics.
Interestingly, the phrase “Blood is thicker than water” is often misinterpreted. The original quote suggests that the bonds we forge in life, such as friendships, can be stronger than family ties. This is especially true during emotionally challenging periods like divorce, where the people who truly listen and provide genuine support make all the difference.
Divorce often brings an overwhelming workload, especially for those juggling co-parenting responsibilities. That’s why building a strong support network is essential.
Our W.L.D. Exercise helps readers identify and lean on three types of people:
- Workers: The doers in your life who step in to help with practical tasks.
Example: A neighbour who picks up your kids from school or a friend who helps you sort paperwork. - Listeners: Empathetic friends or family members who provide a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings.
Example: A sibling who lets you vent without judgment or a friend who checks in regularly to see how you’re holding up. - Distractors: People who help lighten your emotional load by encouraging you to have fun or take a break.
Example: A friend who invites you to see a comedy show or explore a new restaurant.
By intentionally cultivating a network of supportive, uplifting individuals, you can create the foundation you need to navigate this challenging time with more strength and clarity.
4. Yourself
The final pillar is perhaps the most important: you. Divorce is an opportunity to reconnect with yourself, even amidst the pain. It’s essential to work through your emotions, set boundaries, and prioritise self-care. Journaling, meditation, exercise, and therapy are just a few ways to support yourself during this time.
Remember, you are the constant in your own life. Building resilience and focusing on personal growth will not only help you navigate the divorce but also set the stage for a stronger, healthier future.
Why the Four Pillars Are Critical for High-Conflict Divorces
I wish I had used and known about the Four Pillars of Support during my high-conflict divorce years ago. These cases often involve intense emotions, adversarial tactics, projection, and manipulation, which can leave you feeling isolated, exhausted, and emotionally drained.
Even in high-conflict situations, it’s easy to overlook the emotional weight of the process. Stress, anxiety, and frustration can feel overwhelming. The Four Pillars—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are essential for maintaining focus and protecting your well-being.
From peers who provide solidarity and insight to professionals who anticipate and counter challenges, to supportive loved ones and prioritise self-care, these pillars equip you with the strength and strategy to navigate the heightened complexities of a high-conflict divorce. Understanding and leaning into this framework can make all the difference in regaining clarity and empowerment.
Putting It All Together
The Four Pillars of Support—Peers, Professionals, Friends and Family, and Yourself—are a framework to help you stay grounded during divorce. These pillars provide a balance of external and internal support, ensuring you’re not navigating this journey alone.
Building and leaning on your support system isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a strategy for success. Divorce is tough, but with the right tools and people by your side, you can come through it stronger than ever.
If you’re looking for practical exercises and strategies to build your support system, check out the Just Separated Workbook. It’s designed to guide you through every step of the divorce process, helping you find clarity, empowerment, and hope for the future. The workbook is on sale for the whole month of Divorce month, available in the UK and worldwide on Amazon – buy here.
Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.
About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.