Divorce & Separation Coach/IDVA
CK Coaching Ltd
Grieving for the loss
To some people it might seem ridiculous or petty to feel upset about the loss of your family home, but research shows moving home is one of the most stressful life experiences you can go through and it’s not just because of the stressful and often complicated practicalities of moving. It’s because homes are hugely connected to our emotions too – our home is built not just from bricks and mortar but from memories – happy or sad. We have celebrated, mourned, built, rebuilt and put our personal stamp on our home so when we have to let go (particularly if it’s not our wish to let go) it can feel tough.
When you lose your home because of divorce, you are grieving for the loss of the life you thought you were going to have in your home. You have a sense of loss about ‘what could have been’ had your relationship worked out. The sale of the home might reinforce the loss of everything you had before you moved to that house – perhaps you moved away from all your support network and everything familiar, to follow your ex to the home he/she chose and that makes you feel angry. Even if your relationship was abusive there might have been some good times had there. Leaving the family home marks the end of your relationship and the beginning of a new era for you, and that takes time to process and adjust to.
Moving On
As with other forms of grief, moving forwards takes time – the physical act of moving out can be tough if you haven’t quite managed to let go yet. Many people wish to hold on to the family home after divorce, but you must think it through practically rather than emotionally because often how you feel at the beginning of the divorce changes as you progress through it. Don’t hang on to it because moving on feels scary – think through the practical and realistic pros and cons of leaving it behind and when the answer becomes obvious, go with it – whatever the decision, if you stay or if you go, you will be ok.
Here are some practical tips to help make moving on easier:
- Enlist the help of others to assist you with packing- get friends or family involved. It’s much easier and can even feel like fun if you have friends to help you.
- Declutter as you go and try to visualise a cathartic process – ‘out with the old, in with the new’ – get rid of bad memories to clear space for new positive ones.
- Just start. If you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of packing up to do, just start. Start in one corner and focus on clearing and packing one part of a room at a time. Breaking down a huge task into smaller tasks helps it feel more manageable.
- Use professionals to help you – If you can afford to, specialists such as https://thehomemover.co.uk/ can help with finding you a new property, moving furniture, changing utilities and unpacking.
- Try to see the positives of your new home – it might be smaller but that means less housework and less maintenance! It might feel more secure than your previous home, you might be in a cul-de-sac which is quieter but with nice neighbours, rather than in a big house where you are actually quite isolated. It might be rented rather than mortgaged, but that allows you time to heal, to really consider long-term decisions without rushing and as long as it is a happy home, who cares?! Find the positives.
Creating a New Space
If you are staying in the family home that can still feel tough to begin with – although you don’t have the stress of re-locating, you are surrounded by memories – some of which you might want to forget. Here are some tips to help you reclaim your space and make it a place where you want to be again:
- Move the furniture around – shift the chair where your ex used to sit to a different position in the room, moving the furniture creates a different feel in the room
- Buy new bedding, move the bed to a different position if you can or make the bedroom feel different by putting new accessories in there and new happy pictures of you. Move your pillows to the centre of the bed so there is no obvious space on the other side of the bed
- Put up happy photos in your home – photos of new memories. If you need to keep photos of your ex up for the children, put them in their room so you don’t have to look at them all the time. It’s important you focus on now and the future, rather than the past.
- Get the paintbrush out and change the colours and space to suit you – if your ex was minimalist, put your trinkets out – if you previously had a grey and white theme throughout, add splashes of colour. It’s yours now, you can make the house suit your personality!
Change is always difficult but it can feel good once you give yourself space to adjust . A happy home is one that is safe, that feels like a sanctuary and is peaceful – wherever that is.
About Caron Kipping
Caron has worked in the domestic abuse sector for many years and now works privately as an accredited Divorce Coach specialising in coercive control and post-separation abuse. Caron is author of ‘Recognition to Recovery – How to Leave your Abusive Ex Behind for Good!’ and creator of her Insights Recovery programme. Caron supports clients through 1:1 coaching sessions, IDVA court support and via her peer support groups and is a highly respected speaker on all aspects of domestic abuse.
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