Author, Mediator, Lawyer
Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring a powerful interview with Despina Mavridou, an author, mediator, and lawyer, who brings a unique perspective as a child of divorce in a high-conflict environment. In this revealing conversation, Despina shares her personal experiences and the challenges of being caught in the middle between two parents, navigating feelings of guilt, loyalty, and reconciliation.
Join us as we delve into Despina’s insights on the emotional impact of divorce on children, the complexities of parent-child relationships during separation, and her journey towards healing and understanding.
Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Growing Up in Conflict: A Child’s Perspective on Divorce.”
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Okay, welcome everybody um, to another one of our interviews here on the divorcemagazine.co.uk. Um, if you haven’t seen our website please go there, there’s so much information on the website, all to do with divorce and separation. And all our articles let’s say the, the majority of them are actually written by um, divorce professionals. The ones that are not written by divorce professionals, that means divorce coaches, psychologist, lawyers, family mediators, anybody who’s trained to work in the world of divorce, um, the ones that are not written by them are written by people who are telling us about their personal experiences of divorce.
So if you have any questions, if you’re just starting off, if you’re, in the middle of it and you have any questions, head off to The Divorce Magazine, and you will find the answers. If you don’t find the answers email me, and I will find the answer for you and I will publish it so other people can get to know about it.
So thank you so much for joining us today um, we have Despina Mavridou who is with us and it’s, going to be kind of a different, hi Despina, kind of a different um, interview because, I don’t think we have had somebody come on The Divorce Magazine and talk about their own experiences of divorce as a child. We’ve had many professionals but um, you know, you’re a divorce professional and today you’re coming wearing a different hat, which is that of a, a child or an adult? No it’s fine, is that all right?
Okay, so today we have Despina, Despina Mavridou, who is an author, a mediator, and a lawyer in Greece. She has experienced the negative effects of divorce um, when she was the age of 10 when her parents decided to separate. For many years she was in the middle of the fights between her parents, and approximately I think the age of 17, she decided that she didn’t want to see her dad anymore, and she will tell us a little bit more about that decision and how it came about. And this decision lasted for about 20 years um, but you have since reunited with your dad which you can tell us about also how it came about, I think that would be really helpful.
And then after many years of working as a lawyer, in the last four years she discovered mediation and she went into it and um, and she also discovered her passion for writing. This passion for writing led her to write her, to write her first book which is called “Mom, Dad C Can you Hear Me?” and it’s based partially on her own personal story. Despina wanted to share certain things also with her parents so that they can see what it was like for her and the feelings that she had when they were going through divorce. So working as a family mediator, in family dispute issues, she has seen how difficult it is for parents to actually step in the children’s shoes, and see the whole process of divorce from their perspective. So let’s see how we get on today and um, I’m sure and not I’m sure, I really hope that there are going to be lots of parents watching this video so that they can hear it from the child’s perspective um, what it was like to, to be in that situation of divorce with your parents.
So welcome Despina, hi thank you, and I’m really glad that I’m here with you, thank you so much, I’m, I’m I was really happy when you said about coming in to talk about this particular um, subject because as I said we don’t, we haven’t had it on The Divorce Magazine so yeah, a huge welcome to you, thank you for reaching out, okay, thank you for having me.
How old were you when your parents got divorced?
So if I can start just by asking you how old you are when your parents um, decided to divorce? Yes I, I was around 10 when all the fights started actually and then they divorce, they divorced after one, or one, or two years after they start fighting, okay, and, yes um, at the beginning I mean, I didn’t understand when they were fighting, I didn’t realise that they will go for a divorce, I didn’t even know what it means.
I didn’t, I, I wasn’t familiar with what divorce means and all this, I just uh, I knew that they were fighting, there were a lot of fights, almost every day at home the situation was not easy, and at some point they called me and they announced to me the divorce, only to me because I also have a sister who, who is seven years younger than me, so they announced that they divorce only to me, not to my sister. Right, okay. And uh, to be honest I don’t really remember the discussion what they said, I don’t remember anything about this, yeah, but I clearly remember the day that I came back from school and my, my dad was packing his things and he left. This is what I remember from that period. The, this, is the memory that remained in my mind and I still have it today, that when I was coming back from school, uh, he was packing everything to his car, and then library was empty from his books and everything, and this was really strange. It was, it brought me a lot of sadness, even now when I’m thinking about it makes me feel a bit sad because it was a little bit, I was feeling a little bit terrified, my mom was really, really sad, and I didn’t know what to do.
I was feeling really trapped, if I can say it, sad, trapped and uh, helpless, and very insecure, very insecure. Yeah, and because I had a really good relationship with him because you know, sometimes the balance at home are different when during a marriage maybe the kids are more, you know, the dad is the good guy, the mom is the one that has to, you have to do the homework with the children, and she has to put all to, to have the boundaries and everything, so this was the, the relationship that I had with him, he was the more calm the, the good cop, he was the good cop, and my mom was the bad cop. So when the good cop leaves the home, and you are left with a bad cop, yeah, you feel, you don’t know how the things will go. Yeah. You feel you feel really alone. Yeah. listening to you say you know relate that story of coming home, and um, finding your dad packing his stuff, and I’m thinking how confusing! I feel now and I wasn’t even there and I’m an adult, you know just arriving and seeing everything changing, within, you know, it sounds like it happened so fast, everything just, yes, yes, because actually they announced the divorce the day before, I mean I don’t remember exactly the, how many days passed, but I remember that they told me about the divorce and then, after one day, two days, I don’t remember but it was a really short period of time, that my dad left home.
It happened immediately, after they announce it, yeah, and then the next memory that I have it was the Christmas, because I really don’t, I think that it wasn’t, he didn’t left at that period, he left one or two, maybe three months before, but I remember the first holidays that they were really, really difficult for me, and for all the family, and for my mom because my mom was really sad, she was crying very often, she was working a lot also and we were, we, yes it was my grandmother, we were staying with my grandmother and uh, I remember that, that holidays were really difficult for us. For me and my sister also, yeah, yeah.
Did anyone take the time to consider how you were feeling after the divorce announcement, or did life just move on for them?
Once your dad left, did anybody explain to you what happened? Do you know why they divorced? Did you have anybody looking after your feelings? Asking how, you know, or did just go on? I, from what I remember, I think that life just go on, and what I recall now is that everybody was telling me that I have to take care of my mom because she’s really sad, and she feels very, very sad, and I have to help her, uh, actually because in the story there, there was also a third person in the story.
I mean dad left for another woman, so he was the bad guy, yeah, and uh, yeah, and it was hard for my mom and as a woman, I can understand that. But what is really different it’s for the kids cannot understand these things, they cannot understand anything about this third person and it’s completely, I mean, they, they care only about their mom and their dad, if another person comes and they, if you say bad things about this person, this person will be the bad, the bad person. If you say good things or not if you are neutral, they will accept it in the way that you talk about it, I mean it’s completely how the adults will handle it, this is how the kids will accept it, or not.
So you had to look up. Yes, what I remember is that everybody was telling me that I have to look after my mom, and my little sister also, and this was a lot. It was a lot of burden because I, I knew that my mom was, wasn’t feeling good, I was trying to make her feel better, and uh, I, and then when they actually, then they start putting me in the middle because I had to, we had to, we scheduled, we had the program that we had to see my dad for two days, I mean every week I think I don’t remember exactly how it was, but what I remember very, very well, was the fact that I had to transfer messages. Okay. I had to for, for example my mom was telling me you have to say this, this, this, this, and when I was transferring these messages, my dad was telling me uh, tell her this, this, this, this, this. And I was trying to change these messages, and make them a little bit softer, because if I was transferring the exact same words, I knew that they will start fighting.
This is I’m, I’m listening to you speaking, and I’m just think, and how old were you, were you? This started from uh, 11, from 11, 12, something like that. So not only are you being, the messenger, no, the, these messages I remember them very well from the age of 13 to be completely honest, I, from the age of, because I have the memories, some things I don’t remember them very well but, from the age of 13 I remember that I had to transfer messages, up to the age of 17. These were going on and on, for. You’re transferring the messages, but you also have to, change the message and make it nicer so you, I was trying to them, yes, you can look after, you can look after the situation, you can look after Mom, you can look after Dad, you can look after your sister.
Yes, and also because you know, when you transfer the message in exactly what the, how the other person was saying it, it’s like when you are the mediator. You will hear also the reaction, the other person will not know anything about this reaction, you are the, the person that will receive the reaction, the anger, most probably the anger, because exact there will be a lot of anger at the moment that you will transfer the message. So I knew that if I say this back to my mom for example, I knew that her reaction would be really hard, and I didn’t want to hear this, and I didn’t want her to say for example, oh and why, you didn’t answer back, and you, why you didn’t fight back, and say this, this, this, and that, so I was softening the messages, to change a bit the situation and not to have to hear also that why you didn’t defend me. And all this while you’re a child? Yeah, yeah.
At what point did you tell your parents to stop passing messages through you?
At what point did you say stop, I’m not doing this anymore? At 17 and I didn’t say stop, because I was afraid to say stop, uh, I don’t know why I was afraid to say stop, but I never said stop I don’t like this, I only said that I don’t want to see my dad anymore, also because he was the bad guy, he was the bad guy, and I had to take care of my mom, and he broke the marriage, and he, had he brought a third person in the marriage, so I had to try to defend my mom, and I think these are all the reasons why I never said to my mom stop I don’t want to do this anymore. Because I was feeling guilty, and I was feeling also responsible.
You were feeling responsible? I was feeling responsible because I didn’t, I want to defend her, and I was also because I knew that I am like my dad because I knew from a young age that I am more similar to my dad, that I was afraid and I didn’t want to do the same things to her as my dad, so I was trying to, to be different. It’s a lot. It’s a lot, it’s almost like being therapist, being family therapist, being individual therapy to therapist to your mom, looking after your sister, but all this is not just the physical looking after but, very much the emotional and mental health, of looking after the everybody in the house.
What I understand now as adult, is that I try to block all my emotions, I wasn’t feeling anything, I, for years, I couldn’t, I couldn’t even cry, and I never discussed it also with my friends, my best friend of course he understood what happened, but I never told her after. Many years I told her that my parents got a divorce. I was trying to hide it.
Why didn’t you tell your friend about your parents’ divorce?
Can I ask why you didn’t tell her or why you were trying to hide it? I think that for that time in Greece divorce was something very, you know, they were pointing the finger on you if your parents were, it’s not some, it wasn’t something so common as it is in these days, and I was feeling also a little bit embarrassed also when we were going out, I was looking with my dad, I was looking, you know, if we were going to a restaurant for example, I was looking around the other families that they were all mom, dad, and kids and I was afraid, and I was feeling that everybody is watching us, and they see that the mom is missing, so that something is wrong here.
And then you would feel embarrassed? Embarrassed yes, I was feeling embarrassed. No wonder you didn’t have space to deal with your own emotions, you were dealing with everything else, you there was no room for you to, to do, yeah.
Did anybody take care of you during this process?
Did anybody look after you? I think nobody, yeah, because everybody was a bit shocked with this, with the divorce, and they were trying to handle it, for example also for my grandmother was something really hard for her, and she was feeling really sad, for her daughter and for, I don’t know maybe, she took it also personally due to the third person. And um, well everybody was trying to tell me that my dad is a bad guy, and you have to take care of your mom, and nobody actually, well they were asking me if I am okay, but I, I, I had to be the strong person to take care of my mom so when you ask me, when you say all this, and then you ask me how, how am I, I think that you can’t expect me to open up and speak.
It’s true and also you’re going, what if you open up then who’s going to contain those feelings, who’s going to take them, and look and if even if I missed my mum, my dad I was, it was really hard for me to express this and talk about it because he was a bad guy, how I could miss a, a person that betrayed my mom. Yeah, yeah. You said something earlier on Despina you said, there was, the third person, but, you will go along with whatever is said about this other person, so if they, say the person is bad and everything then, you, you’re a child you just go along with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that this is, and it’s the, that’s why I think it’s a very delicate subject the, the third person and the betrayal generally and I understand as a woman I understand how hard it was for my mom, yeah, and, but on the other hand, for example for me, even at this age, that now I am 42 years old, I still don’t have a relationship with my, with this person.
Because my dad is married to this person, now and he also has a child, yeah, oh I see, even now because of all the things that I heard in the past because all of this hate, and all the anger, and all this discussion about this person, even now, I, I don’t have the courage to meet this person and talk with her, because I feel that I’m betraying my mom if I do it. And if if you did do that today, do you think you would actually be betraying her, do you think that she, she would I’m feeling, yes that she will feel she will feel bad, she will feel that I’m hurting her if I do this. What about the child in the, well I would like to meet him one day, this you, haven’t met him either? No. How old is he? I think it’s 20, he’s 20,wow, what, what.
The picture I’m getting is just how deep, this has run, it wasn’t just temporary, it has run it, almost like permanent scar, and cut that hasn’t completely healed. Yeah, and I think that this, you know, doesn’t help you to have a good balance, because uh, I mean for the, it’s good to have a blended family, I feel like it’s good to have, you have more people in your life, and they probably can, you can have also a good relationship. Yeah.
But that’s why I, I think that it’s important how you talk to kids about the third person in the life of one of the parent, if this happens, and that’s why I feel that it has to be completely different because I understand how hard it was for my mom, as a woman I completely under, I 100% understand her, and most probably, I would have done the same thing as a woman. But as a kid, when you lose, it’s completely different for the kid because for the kid it’s the dad, you can’t say for to the kid that your dad is a bad guy, because the kid knows firstly that maybe he has same characteristic to this person, and it’s one of the two fundamental people in his or her life in the child’s life, yeah, yeah. If you say that this person is a bad person because he broke the marriage, because he brought a third, he met a third person, and he betrayed his um, his woman and everything they the kid maybe feels also that something, is something wrong with, with the kid also, I mean I was feeling that something was wrong with me, that I don’t have a good character, that maybe I will do the same thing when I will grow up.
Wow I see, so you’re saying because, correct me if I’m wrong, so you’re saying as a child, you know, this is Mommy, this is Daddy. So I love this person, I love that person. I’m part this person, I’m part that person, these are my parents, so if you’re told one parent is a bad parent, then, you start thinking am I also bad because I’m part this person. I’m part, I mean, I have half the DNA, of this person, so whatever you say about this person the kid will feel like it maybe, it’s also they, they, they make it a. They introject, they take, yes, yes, yes, that’s really important and I wish, I wish parents could hear that because, I’ve worked a lot with parents who are going through divorce, and um, both as a family mediator, which I used to do before, and then as a psychologist, where parents are going through divorce and they’re struggling with a divorce. And this part that you’re saying about how you speak about the other parent, actually can affect the child not just in terms of the relationship with that parent, but personal, how they view themselves. Yeah.
When you decided you didn’t want to see your dad anymore, was that a way to protect yourself?
When you decided you don’t want to see your dad anymore, from what you’re saying, I’m beginning, I’m seeing it like it was a way for you to protect yourself, and, I was trying to protect myself to, I was trying to find the solution to this situation where I wasn’t in the middle. Yeah, yeah.
And this lasted for 20 years? Yes, because after that I, I knew that uh, if I start having a relationship with him, I will have exact the exact same problems, and actually after I went to therapy, and I worked a lot with myself, and I realised certain things, and I had the courage to admit to myself that if I don’t recreate a relationship with my dad, I will always have an emptiness in me. Uh, the after that I started realising that yes, I have to have a relationship and I have to meet him again, and I felt really good with myself when I start to have again a relationship with him. But I’m still afraid, and I said to my mom that I will do that, I will have a relationship with him but I don’t want you to ask me how he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want you to know anything about that, I mean, I’m still afraid of being in the middle, yeah, even if I have worked a lot with myself, yeah, and you’re an adult you know still the fear still continues, so you, because you know the trauma creates a fear and the fear is always there and it comes up even when you don’t expect it and even if you feel an adult, you know I have my own family now, I have a kid, I am an adult still if my mom ask me how is your dad I will feel afraid to answer that question. Yeah, yeah, and does she ask you? No, no, no. You put the boundaries and, and that’s it.
When you broke contact with your dad, did he try to speak to you or visit you?
When you stopped seeing your dad did he try to reach out, try to see you, call you? He tried, he tried sometimes even if my sister feel that he had to try more, and sometimes I think about it also, but I feel that it was like a punishment for him because he was trying, he was calling, but we never answered. Okay, I, I have thought that maybe he could try harder, yeah, but um, to be honest I don’t know how difficult it was for him also. Okay. To continue pushing the same wall. Okay, there you go, already thinking about him and yeah, you know falling into the, it’s in the kid nature to think about the, and to be honest I always think and I say this, that they say in Greece that the parents are sacrifice many things for their kids but I believe the opposite.
I believe that kids sacrifice more for their parents, kids can sacrifice their own personality for their parents. Like you did? Like I did and generally I can see this many times for the kids, kids trying to protect their parents, even when they, even in the parental alienation when they don’t talk to their parents, sometimes there is another reason that has nothing to do with the other parent that they are not talking to them, and they still feel guilty for not doing it. Yeah, okay, okay.
What would you say to a dad who thinks they have tried their best for their children?
I have a question about that um, when you said he could have tried harder. Because one of the things that I found especially, most of my clients have been fathers, um, and the fathers who have been asked you need to take a parenting course so you can start seeing your children again for, for whatever reasons, and some of these fathers who have been asked by the court to take their parenting course, have been one of the mo, some of the most fantastic fathers I have met, so really good Dads, and they’re so keen to seeing their children. But sometimes I have had fathers who will say, but I have tried calling and they’re not picking up, I’ve sent messages they’re not picking up, what else do you want me to do?
What would you say to a dad who’s who thinks that he’s done the most, what, what more can they do? Well for me they have to still keep trying, yeah, with calls and messages not something else but they have to keep trying, yeah, yeah however much they find it difficult just to keep trying consistently, yeah, they find it difficult because maybe it hurts them personally, maybe it makes them feel bad, I can understand how hard it is, but the child, but you have to keep trying, you have to trying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only evidence that you have later, to show them that you fight for them, you try to fight for them, yeah. I have a very, very close friend of mine who did that, who fought for his daughter for, years and years, and by the time they reconciled I think when she turned maybe 18/ 19, she got in touch with him, and uh, and now they see each other and you know, nice relationship, but like you say there’s the evidence he could show her, everything he had tried, going through the courts, um, trying to find like a, contact centre where they would meet everything he had like a big, you know, folder to show this is what I’ve done and I think in the background, she probably, as she was growing up she could see and she could hear and then when she was free, then she got in touch with him and she appreciated that he kept trying, but the children have no power.
They have no, no, no, exactly and this is also something that I’m also try to say it often to the parents but, that the kid does doesn’t have the ability and the freedom to open the door and leave the house, the kid has to stay, has to stay with one of the parent because they cannot survive if they open the door. That’s why for the kids it’s completely different, they have to survive between two people that they don’t want to see each other and they have also the possibility not to be together anymore, the kid cannot say that I will divorce my parent, you can divorce the partner but you can, you cannot divorce the parent. So that’s why it’s completely different for the kid and nobody hears the divorce through the eyes of a kid. Also the kids have a story of divorce, but it doesn’t going, nobody hurts about it. Yeah, I like that the kids also have the story of the divorce but nobody is hearing it. Yeah.
When you decided not to see your dad anymore, was it painful or was it survival?
When you decide decided not to see your dad, was there, was there, it sounds like a silly question but was it painful was it or was it just survival? No, at the moment it wasn’t painful because it was, I was in survival mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, but when I grow up and I start working with myself I, for a years I was trying to hide all the emotions, and then I, it was also hard for me to admit that yes I miss him and, and I want to have a relationship with him and I was doing it for me because you never feel complete if you don’t have a relationship, even a bad one, with one of the, with your both parents, both parents. Yeah, yeah.
What advice would you give to parents who have not yet told their children about the divorce?
Despina what would you say to parents who are going through divorce, now, in terms of I’ll break it down in two: What did you say to parents who are listening to this and who have not yet told their children about the divorce? What advice would you give them in terms of telling the children and how to manage it from there? Well for me the announcement is not as important as how you will handle it after that, because many times they announce everything and everything looks perfect and after that it’s, it’s completely different. So for me, the most important is to start therapy first, to work with your emotions, a little bit, and then to announce it to the kids, and to be ready to handle and then to be so to be ready to handle the parenting plan, because if you cannot handle your emotion, you can never sit down and create a parenting plan and be ready to talk about the kid’s needs. Okay.
In this situation you know so where there’s let’s say a third person like in your situation and everything happens really fast, and maybe one parent says oh my gosh you’re having an affair that’s it I’m done you’re out, right, they don’t have time to go for therapy and to plan it out it, happens so fast. So if, if and I completely agree with you that the announcing of the divorce is a big deal but what is an even bigger deal. is how the divorce is managed because that can end up being this, the main trauma for the child not even that, that.
How would you suggest that parents handle the divorce to make it as child centred as possible?
So how would you suggest that parents handle it, once the announcement has been done, after that to make it as child centred as possible? For me as soon as you start therapy again, also for in this situation even if it starts really the things happens really fast, you still can as fast as the things evolve, you can start the therapy, because otherwise in a, in a month, the things will go really bad, and for the kid will be really hard to handle, but not only one both of them they have to go. This is the problem, yeah. Also especially the person that was betrayed and uh, so that the other parent had an affair, this is the person especially that has to go to the therapist, right, okay.
And the children, and therapy, or you think if the parents? No I think that if the parents go, the kids will be fine. Yeah, I, I agree with that, I agree with that. Yeah, because then they learn how to look up, they know how to explain the things, yes, and they will divide their emotions from the kids, yeah, yeah, and they will be maybe they will be able to see how hard it is for the kids. Yeah, okay.
Should parents tell the school or teacher about their divorce?
Another question is um, with regards to school, do they tell the teachers, do they tell school that we’re going through divorce, or do they keep quiet about it? I mean, what, what would your view be on that, I know I have my view on it but, to be honest to, to be honest I was feeling embarrassed, I didn’t want for my professions, for my teachers to know about the divorce.
But I think that the, the teacher should know about it, so as to handle it in a more delicate way, and if they see a strange behaviour, to be able to help, yeah, and to be able to know why this strange behaviour is here, otherwise if they don’t know, and the child starts changing their behaviour, they’re not concentrating, they’re playing out, and they’re like what’s wrong with this child, yeah, but as soon as they know ah, there’s something happening at home then they’re able, and also children reach an age where they spend more time at school than they do at home, yeah. So you know.
And maybe if they have a good relationship with the teacher maybe they can discuss about it, but it’s good, and the teacher should never go to the child and say that I know about that, yeah, it’s the kid that has to go to the teacher and confess this. Tell the teacher yeah and, and, um.
How did you get back in contact with your dad?
How did you get back with your dad? I just called him once and I, told him that I, how are you? What are you doing? I was afraid to do the call, but after that I felt really good with the, with myself, yeah, therapy helped me to take the step, and do it, yeah, it could not have been easy but I’m glad that you did it because I imagine that I, I always, I often say that if you have that question shall I get in touch? Shall I not get in touch? Then get in touch I would say, because if you are absolutely sure that you didn’t want to get in touch, then you wouldn’t have the question, you know, the back of your mind should I get in touch, just get in touch and then, see what happens from there, and then you don’t ever have to have the question again.
Yes, yes, I completely agree with this. Yeah, yeah.
Does your daughter see your father?
So is your, I know you mentioned that you have a little daughter, so is your daughter seeing your dad? Do they. Well uh, we have a, trying he, he cannot walk he had an operation, okay, and he, he doesn’t want to see her right now because he has some difficult problems with his health he has some issues but uh, I mean, I am sending her, sending him photos and I hope that one time he will meet her. Yeah, yeah so it’s kind of like slowly building up you know yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right.
Um, so your book Despina, yeah, where can we get it? Uh, on Amazon, it’s in English and also in uh, Portuguese, okay, you can find it also in Portuguese, yes, they are both on Amazon, and in Portuguese is also available from [unclear] okay, all right, and I have also created a diary, that goes with the book that you can find it also on Amazon, only because I think that it’s really good for the kids to write their emotion at least, if they don’t have anyone to confess and to talk, they can write for themselves certain things or certain thoughts. Okay, oh, that’s so, the, the diary is for the children, children yes, it’s also, okay, so it’s, it’s separate from the book? It’s separate from the book yes, they can, you can buy it or not, but the independently from the diary if the kids don’t have someone to confess and to talk, it’s good if you help them to write down their thoughts, and I think, even if they have somebody to, to talk to and somebody still wants to, you know to, to write things down for themselves because writing can be very helpful, to process you know um, what we’re going going through.
And what’s the title of your diary? What’s the diary, the, it’s just the diary, the diary and it’s under my name, yeah, that’s, okay, all right. One last thing I would like to say now that we were talking about the diary, because for the kids it’s very, it’s very important when you are with a kid, to let them free to express all their emotions for the other parent. I mean even if they say that they had a good time, be happy, try to be happy for them, yeah, if they get a present that you don’t like, yes, from the other parent, and you don’t agree with this present, or you think that it’s really cheap, try not, to, it’s important not to say anything. Yeah, yeah, this is the only way that they will feel like they have the space, and they feel secure, and they will be able to express themselves. Yeah, I absolutely, and thank you so much for bringing that up, I absolut, absolutely agree with that in those situations I think as the parent, you have to just bear it, you have to bear it and allow the child to come back and say, you know, when I was at daddy’s I did this, and this, and that, and when I was at mommies, oh yeah, that sounds really um, like it sounds like you had a good time, and even if inside you’re thinking to yourself, I don’t want to hear this, I don’t want to hear it, but actually just allowing the child the space to be a child.
Yes, like, like it was before the divorce exactly, exactly I mean that sometimes when, and, and I know some of the parents they, they completely say that they cannot do it, it’s such a difficult journey to go through, divorce, even where they’re no children. Right, yeah, when they’re children it makes it even harder at that point, but if we going to go and continue parenting full on, the way we would parent even before for the divorce, there are certain things that can make the child’s world much, much easier to cope with. Completely different, it will completely, and it will not leave any trauma. Yeah, yes, exactly, exactly and it’s, it’s things like um, and some of the parents tell me I’m absolutely not doing that, I say okay, so it’s Mother’s Day, go and get your child a Mother’s Day card for his mom, or her mom, it’s Daddy’s birthday, get them to you know, as much as you just don’t like the person but he’s still the person who is important to your most important person, and she’s still the most important person to, you know and when I tell parents that they’re like I promise you, I am not buying a Mother’s Day card, it’s not happening but at least I’ve put that idea there because, I look at the child, you know, the child and look at it from the perspective of the child, oh Mommy happy Mother’s Day, you know.
And don’t talk about money! No, oh gosh, this, this was a great, this was such a huge issue, wow, did you have to do that? Yes, I had to, to talk a lot about money because my dad was, wasn’t paying anything, almost anything for us, and my mom was paying everything for us. So I was feeling that I was a burden for my mom because he was paying everything, and I was a feeling that I was nothing for my dad because he wasn’t, he didn’t want to pay anything, wow, yeah, so if you talk about money, kids will never feel good, because if you say that I spend a lot for you, they will not feel that you care, they will feel that they are a burden, and if you say that your dad or your mom doesn’t pay anything for you, they will just feel that they don’t love them enough. Yeah, so don’t talk about money. Yeah.
There are three things that I say, when, to parents when they’re going through divorce and that’s one of them. Don’t involve children in adult matters. They don’t need to know when you’re going to court, they don’t need to know what the court papers have said, they don’t need to know what their financial agreement is,, they don’t they just, because they don’t have any power to deal with this ,they don’t know what to make of it they don’t, this, like you say they can’t say, I’m leaving, so, don’t involve children in adult matters, do not get them to mediate, between the parents you know, can you tell your mom this, can you tell, you know, in terms of mediating oh, but you know I really love your dad, maybe if you told your dad he would listen to you, oh, you know, your mom, you know.
It’s, it’s kind of like, just don’t get them to mediate, and don’t let them be messengers, you know, go and tell your mom I’m coming on Saturday at 2:00, mom, dad is coming at 2:00, 2 o’clock is not his time, you know, and then it just becomes like I’m just giving you a message but then, like you had to do, soften the message, timing, everything look after it, so that it, it doesn’t, it can have a soft landing. And kids sometimes in this dialogue they will try to say maybe also opposite things to each parent, probably they will say for example, to the dad I had a great time with you, and they will say to their mom no, I, I, it was boring with Dad, I didn’t like it, yeah, and when they will go to mediation they will start fighting because they will see but, the kid told me that he had a great time, and Mom will say no, but he, he said that he didn’t like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, we need to just, like you say continue parenting as we would before the divorce, that’s why I think that the therapist will help, nothing else can help, and also the, for the people that go to the court and they believe that the judge will see the case, and they will understand and they leave the judge to decide for their families I mean, I find it really, difficult, to believe that the judge in 15 minutes will decide about the family of, around 10/ 15 years that they are together and they, they will decide exactly and, what it’s best for this family. For the child where, where the child goes, on which day, at what time , and everything like that. Yeah, I think um, and, and I, I, I, think that nowadays even judges don’t want people to come to court, no, no they don’t, yeah.
Despina if anybody wanted to contact you with regards to, not just your book, but um, just to ask, ask you questions can they do that about how to manage their own, yeah. Yes, of course, well I can talk about my personal relationship, I mean about me, and my experience and as a mediator yes, I could give some advices, of course, okay, and yes, I will be happy to help um.
You have a website? I don’t have a website, I have my email and I have a Instagram, uh Facebook, yes, and TikTok. This time, what’s your social media? It’s a, author Despina, you can find me under my name, and with the word author in front, okay, author Despina Mavridou. Yeah. Okay. For Instagram? For Instagram, yeah, okay, all right.
Thank you so, so much for taking the time, thank you, yeah, I know, it’s, I hope that it was helpful and if there are any questions we can do also another one, if you want to answer them, yeah, yeah, honestly I think um, I, I hope as many parents as possible will listen to this and even, if you change the direction that one or two parents are taking currently, with the divorce of their children, then um, that would be a job well done. Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Thank you, take care, bye-bye.
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About Despina Mavridou
My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.
I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).
After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.
My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.
Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.
The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.
On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.
On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.