Cont’d from part one – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – How to Deal with Divorce
And I finally understood, why he was suffering from anxiety. Why he could not bear to be alone anywhere in the house, he always needed someone with him. I finally got the depth of his fear, even though it annoyed me, having him follow me every step of the way, like a baby. He always needed that reassurance.
All he wanted, was a MAN in the house. Someone to protect him, someone to be strong, someone to be around. I could give him love and care, all wonderful female energies, alas I am no man and never intend to be, and he so missed that male side. Yes he has an older brother, but this is not the same, and also not fair on the oldest child to play Dad.
This whole argument was never about his Dad per se, but about a male role model in his life. Preferably one that lives in his house too. His Mom being single, there was no prospect in sight, so he hoped his Dad would come to his rescue.
Also of course the only wish kids of divorced parents have, is that their parents are getting back together. That wish never really goes away. The happy family dream is deep down within all of us. And kids try anything to bring that wish to fruition.
I also learnt, that we all learn the same lesson again, over and over, maybe on a new level.
So when my little one was 5, and we split up, he learnt the lesson of living life as a child of divorced parents on the level of a 5 year old.
While I wrongly assumed a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt…., he learnt to live the life of a child of divorced parents anew when he was 9 years old, on the level and understanding of a 9 year old.
I know, that there will be more levels, he and I need to sail through in the future.
This time around I might be prepared, and less annoyed with life and myself. I know, that this is just a part of development, and I will be proud of my child having developed again. I am relieved, he was happy to share this all with me, it is a sign of trust, and of the relationship we have built and share.
Yes of course it would be nice, if his father would be more involved, or more of an emotional help. Alas this is not the case, and I have accepted this, and enjoy the freedom this brings also. Yes I am fully responsible; alas I don’t have to always get an ok either. Very liberating.
So dear Reader, please know, that certain things can come round and round, don’t be devastated, this is natural, and just shows progress. Imagine how we each climb up on a spiral, and that each time we come to a certain point, we get to work on the same problem again, alas on a higher level. Be happy in the trust your children show in you, believe in your endless ability of patience and love, and all will be well in the end. Enjoy the ride, and cling on to each other, when the boat rocks, you will find smoother water soon enough again.
Never mind the fact that all of my three kids tell me, that they never want to get married. This is also a fact of life, and they are still young, and we will see, whatever works for them. Right now they might be disillusioned, alas later on, they might be more realistic about the while marriage myth, when they do enter marriage, if that is ever up for them.
I am proud of what we became, and how my kids deal with it all, despite of or because of an absent Dad.
I fully trust, that we are all on a deep learning curve, and all will be well, and that all is the way it is supposed to right now.
Wishing you the trust in your life and the certainty, that all is well.
Remember, you are at the right place at the right time.
warm hugs
DIVORCE GODDESS I got the same thing said to me! “Mama you’re such a nice mummy now!” I still remember that day, time and where we were.
Caroline I love your article… My Daughter who is soon to be 13 told me the other day that when I was married, I was never as positive, smiley and lovely to be with as I am now that we are divorced… this comment came from her beautiful heart and it gave me the biggest soul hug I could have imagined …<3 X
Oh Caroline – doesn’t it just break your heart every time? My six year old has never lived in a family home with her dad. We have our own little family now that I’ve remarried and my relationship with my ex is so bad that we do all communication either in writing or through mediators. I try so hard to keep it from them. But my little one still asks why can’t I move in with her dad and we can all be a family. It will never, ever happen. But when she asks, I still feel like I’ve broken her heart.