Life doesn’t always go the way you want or plan that it will go. It moves at its own pace, which is usually faster or slower than you would like it to. It moves in its own direction. That’s life! You can try to make life move, or you can move in the flow of life.
Iyanla Vanzant
It was my youngest 9th birthday. We’ve been separated for over 3 years by then. I was confident all my children had dealt with the issues, and that all was well. I felt like we have come through the worst, and that it was only smooth sailing from then on, that we have all accepted the new situation and could move on.
He hasn’t seen his Dad in over a year, and he was overjoyed to go out for dinner with him, to celebrate his 9th birthday. I was very happy for my son, that he will see his Dad again, and knew he will have a great time. Dad picked him up after school and took him to his office, where they were hanging around till Dinner time. What a great excitement for my little son.
When he returned home that evening he was very excited, and shared his new toys, and brought home left over Pizza ‘Mom the very best Pizza ever’ he exclaimed. I was so happy for him, and so glad it all went well with his Dad. Good, finally a start to a new father-son relationship, I hoped.
Then my little boy started to talk ‘crazy’
‘Mom, there are pictures of you all over in Dad’s office’
‘Mom, Dad really cares about you’
‘Mom, Daddy still loves you’
‘Mom when will you and Daddy be back together?’
And on and on he went in his full excitement. I couldn’t believe my ears. Where did this all come from? I was devastated, I was exhausted, and I was disappointed, yes I was. I felt like we went through hell and back for nothing, as we are right back there, all over again.
I was heartbroken, seeing the sparkles in my son’s eyes, knowing, I will be the one to burn all his hope. I wasn’t sure what really happened, and I just knew, I had to bring my son back to hard reality, I had to be very blunt and absolutely truthful.
I was angry, I admit, at my Ex for not being honest, for being too afraid to burst this dream. Once again, I was left with delivering the bad news. I wished once in my life, I would get some kind of support, alas not this time.
I took my son, who was over excited, over sugared, hyped up on Coca Cola and too happy to ride his fantasy to have his deepest wish become true. I felt his pain, I could see the old wound, I could feel his loss, and I knew, I have to be absolutely honest and truthful. How awful to devastate his dreams, but it had to be done.
I held him close, I looked into his eyes, and I told him ‘Son, I know, how much you miss your Dad, I know how much you want a happy family, and I understand that, and I wish it would be different too, BUT Mom and Dad will never ever be together again’
He looked at me, I saw his eyes turn, I saw the tears and I felt the anger come up, and I dealt with the blow, his sorrow and his hurt. I listened to his accusations, his pain and his anger.
I knew deep down, that he was just hurt, and he was only angry at me, for blowing his dream, he didn’t really mean what he was saying then, it was just all coming out of him.
I just sat there and let it all wash over me, and then I let him run off to his room, I didn’t mind him banging the door, and I let him cry it out, get it out of his system. I knew, when he was ready he would come down again. I learnt from other experiences, that he needs his time on his own, and that after the storm there is time for a hug.
When he finally came down, he climbed onto my lap, we had a very very long hug, and we just were, deeply understanding and loving, and I was very grateful for my children, that I was part of their life, and that they were around me all the time.
I was thinking of all the mothers out there, who could not do so, and I was humbled and happy and very very grateful. Yes I had to deal with all the pain and I had to be the one explaining things, and yes sometimes I got tired of my 24/7/365 job, but deep down, I knew, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
I wanted to be here for my kids, and if that meant to take the blow, if life isn’t going the way the kids want, then I take it. If it means that my 9 year old is acting like a terrible two again, that is ok. We are all humans, and I am so grateful I am part of their life.
We talked again, and I told him, I understand how much he misses his Dad, and that I wish it would be different, but that I can’t change it. He cried some more, and on and on
We watched a TV series, where he commented on several male actors, how they would be a great dad, and later he said
‘Mom, I just wish I had A dad’
The 2nd part of Caroline’s story can be found here – Dealing with Divorce Part 2
Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine
Dear Caroline,
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for saying how we could take for granted that the children have dealt with it whereas it is a stage by stage thing. Thank you for stating how we sometime took for granted having our children around. Simply put, thank you for sharing the different emotions you have at different moments of the ‘saga’ and how now all you want is to take one step at a time.
You see, most of you are very lucky. I left my kids behind. Yet I know they cope very hard and one day they say it s ok and the next month one of them will ask when I am moving back in again.
I write a lot on my various articles and so here I will just limit myself to saying thank you once more.
Kind regards, Marie