Relationship in Trouble - Page 5

This section offers expert advice on communication strategies, conflict resolution, and self-reflection, helping you navigate challenging times and make informed decisions about your relationship's future. Recognising the signs of a troubled relationship and taking proactive steps can be crucial in either saving your marriage or preparing for a potential separation.

When to divorce

When to Divorce?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Some people have said that they waited too long before divorcing, but I have yet to hear someone say they jumped the gun and initiated one too soon.

There are many factors involved in determining if and when a divorce ought to commence.  A main one seems to be regarding children and their ages.

One man felt that he stayed seven years too long in his marriage, choosing to wait until the last child went off to uni. He stated that the love was gone and the marriage was dead – however he stayed because he wanted to see his kids every day.

In hindsight, he thinks it harmed his sons witnessing coldness and disinterest between a married couple.

Another stayed in an unhappy marriage since her husband was their sons’ Boy Scout troop leader. She thought the boys would feel more secure with both parents in the home. Eight years post-divorce her sons are still asking what took her so long to file for divorce.

When to Divorce

For those on the fence about whether to stay or go, The Divorce Magazine UK has a link to various resources that are invaluable in the pre-divorce period too.

Maypole Women has resources as well for women and children in a potential divorce situation. Relate and Retrouvaille do marital counselling to see if the relationship can be repaired.

There are instances when a line is crossed and one spouse chooses to exit the marriage quickly. For example, a lad let slip that his father was showing him and his brother internet porn. The woman confronted her husband who denied it, but she said that she was having it investigated. He left her right away and she filed for divorce a week later. No amount of counselling could have changed her opinion to stay in this marriage.

Other times the admission of an affair brings on the death of a marriage. The betrayed spouse may not want to bestow another chance on the guilty party, so proceeds with filing for a divorce.

when to divorce
Wondering when to divorce? Take up a new project gives you a new direction.

When there is abuse – get yourself, the youngsters and pets out of the house. That does not automatically mean a divorce is imminent – just that safety is the top priority. Sometimes with therapy and anger management classes, the abuser can be rehabilitated and the marriage is salvageable.

One criteria for deciding upon divorce is how much inappropriate behaviour is witnessed or directed at the children. When one parent is knocking around the other one – that is detrimental for the kids to see.

It is hard to watch a spouse self-destruct via alcohol or drugs. One may be supportive, but wonder when enough is enough.

Consider getting therapy or joining Al-Anon. “Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not. For some of our members, the wounds still run deep, even if their loved one may no longer be a part of their lives or have died.”

Some people have included in the parenting plan that the impaired parent is not allowed to drive the children anywhere. Visitation can be at a relative’s or at a Children’s Contact Centre.

A couple can drift along in different directions and find themselves without much in common. This can happen when facing an Empty Nest.

What some couples have done was to take up a new project, such as buying a fixer-upper cottage in the UK or abroad. This injected a new vitality, passion and focus to their lives and relationship, plus gave them something to talk about.

Several couples took up a sport or hobby, such as golf. They hit the links at home as well as in exotic locales. Others discovered a shared interest and became certified in scuba diving or volunteered with EarthWatch.

When boundaries are violated or a spouse is disrespectful and belittling, that is I when have seen couples getting divorced. Relationships may limp along until one or both decide to put it out of its misery with a divorce.

The opposite of love is not hate, but rather it is indifference.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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coping with infidelity

Coping with Adultery and Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A spouse’s reaction to suspected infidelity can leave one wondering if they are imagining things after being informed they are misinterpreting a casual friendship.

People may overlook tell-tale signs to keep the status quo, avoid acknowledging adultery and divorce or because they have been put down so many times, making it difficult to differentiate fact from fiction.

In Serena’s case, her philandering spouse put the blame on her, saying she was not trusting him.

Serena had a baby and a toddler and felt as if something was not quite right in her marriage.

Her husband John, was between jobs and Serena thought getting him some paid handyman work would be beneficial.

Her friend was opening a bookshop and required assistance in painting, putting up shelves and so forth. John later told his wife that her friend yelled at him and helping her was not a good experience. He became more distant and pursued activities late into the night, such as “skiing under a full moon” (five nights in a row). She asked if he was seeing someone and he accused her of being too controlling.

Then John asked for a short trip as his birthday present – by himself. He also wanted to take it a month before his birthday over Valentine’s Day weekend.

Being sleep deprived contributed to her not getting to the bottom of this bizarre behaviour.

Two months later John asked “How would you feel if I was interested in someone else? Could we still be married if I slept with her?”

Serena answered “No, that doesn’t work for me.” John said “okay.” Serena said she wondered why she did not take those questions as a clue.

The holy woman from India, Amma G, had been Serena’s spiritual guide for over a decade. Amma G did a blessing for the family and her husband felt badly and came clean. He had watched Serena going down a dark tunnel before this and told her about having an affair with her friend. A shocked Serena thanked her husband for revealing this and said “now I know what I have to do.”

Adultery and Divorce
She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon.

She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon. Her friend was giggly, nervous and refused to make eye contact. Serena told her that she knew about their affair and stated “I need you to leave my family alone. Don’t you ruin our lives.”

Serena learned through this experience to stand up for herself. She also took the high road and did not report the affair to the other woman’s husband.

Serena said that she felt betrayed by them both with this double whammy. The rug was pulled out from under her and she hit rock bottom.

She realized that she could lose her job if she did not get help. She went into survival mode and was not capable of doing all of the necessary daily tasks. Serena did not cook for months and took the kids to Whole Foods five days a week. Her therapist said not to feel bad because Serena was providing nutritious food. Serena said that she “feared so much” and did not want to show that mummy was struggling.

Serena found that having a therapist who gave unconditional support was critical for getting through divorce.

There was a period during the divorce when Serena was clinically depressed, but refused pharmaceuticals. After barely being above water, Serena gave anti-depressants a go and was amazed at the difference in her life. She was so grateful for this major positive change.

This was for short-term and she needed that boost to feel better. At a retreat, Serena went off the medication and still felt great. On her return, Serena called her doctor, who agreed to taper her off these pills.

Serena said that exercise helped her to feel so much better, including stabilizing her emotional state. She felt much depleted, so having good nutrition helped her get back on track.

She eventually started cooking again, especially comfort foods like chicken noodle soup. Having a close circle of friends was supportive, but they did not know what to do or say. Serena learned to make the first move and makes a meal now for friends who are in a trauma.

Serena was getting validation from others who told her that she was looking so much better. The outer world was seeing a composed Serena when internally she thought she was a mess. This enabled her to realize that she really was getting better. Serena said it is like building muscle – you do not notice it at first and then you feel it.

People reflected back to her that she seemed better, which was like building that muscle and she felt the positive change. Meditation was invaluable during this turbulent time even if for only ten minutes. She learned to honour herself and built treats into her schedule.

Two years after Serena confronted her former friend regarding the affair, she had a strong feeling to return. Serena told this woman that she forgave her. She also stated that she is a much stronger woman and her life is better now. Serena felt it was time to get this episode over completely and closed this chapter of her life.

Serena went from being withdrawn and sad to vivacious, and enjoying life.

(There’s an interivew with Dr Bisbey on “Can a marriage survive infidelity?” You can watch it here – after-the-affair)

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Can Couple Counselling Help after an Affair?

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after an affairWe recently had an article by Wayfarer of  Infidelity Help Group  on 10 Steps to Coping with Infidelity and it is from this article that the following post emerges.

There was one point that I needed clarifying – point number 6 “Avoid Marital Therapy” and this was Wayfarer’s response:

Yes, I would actively discourage marital therapy in the immediate aftermath of an affair.

You didn’t cause the affair – so why are you in therapy learning how to ‘prevent’ another one?  The marriage didn’t cause the affair – so how can marital therapy fix it? Poor communication didn’t cause the affair – so how does learning improved communication in marital therapy stop another one from happening?

Marital counselling presupposes that the issues being addressed are ‘couple issues’.

Infidelity is NOT a shared issue – it is owned entirely by the cheater.

Yes, there may have been issues within the marriage, but the affair was caused by the cheater’s internal issues, not any imperfections in the marriage.

If affairs were caused by imperfect marriages and/or spouses, you would both be having affairs!

It’s important to understand that cheating is a mindset of entitlement, self satisfaction and unethical behaviour. Cheaters feel entitled to continue to deceive and manipulate (trickle truth is a common post-affair problem) to preserve their lifestyle despite their behaviour and to avoid any material consequence to their choices.

Marital therapy with a cheater who has not made changes to their world view and personal narrative can essentially teach the cheater what to say and do to keep their faithful spouse firmly in place, hushed up and ‘getting over it’. What it doesn’t do is address the internal non-marital thinking that the cheater employed to give themselves permission to cheat in the first place.

It’s worth nothing that marital therapy is a business that requires dysfunctional relationships in order to survive.

Neither the cheater nor the faithful spouse are encouraged to identify or pursue alternatives to the marital relationship, because the industry requires that fear and convention keep people trying to work though dysfunction.

It is rare for a marital therapist to encourage either party to pursue their personal goals and dreams for themselves if those goals and dreams potentially lead them away from the marriage, and the therapist’s service.

If a cheater requires guidance to help them address their own issues, I would recommend that they seek individual psychotherapy.

The faithful spouse can use this time to observe if there is authentic, clear, and sustained change in the cheater’s fundamental thinking and ethical framework. Only when the cheater has addressed this can there be any meaningful work on the marriage – so marital therapy is an option for much later on in the process.

You asked if it was possible for marital therapy to help in some cases. I would agree that marital therapy can help encourage a Divorce Avoidance Plan.

In our experience, Divorce Avoidance Plans always result in an unfulfilled, miserable, and distrustful faithful spouse who feels that:
  • The cheater hasn’t really changed.  This is because the cheater hasn’t changed at their core because at its core, marital therapy isn’t about the cheater.
  • The cheater hasn’t truly held themselves accountable and hasn’t personally driven marital repair.

Unfortunately, marital therapy seeks to ‘share’ blame and responsibility for repair between the cheater, the marriage, and the faithful spouse. It can be inferred from this and the very suggestion that marital therapy is necessary that the cheater is somewhat relieved of sole accountability for their affair.

For the cheater, post-infidelity marital therapy is externally directed and prescriptive i.e. it is the therapist and the faithful partner who generally drive any ‘recovery’, not the cheater’s inner-directed actions and intent.

We typically see faithful spouses in Divorce Avoidance Plans frustrated and confused, desperate for marital therapy to work. They might limp along in a dissatisfying marriage for years, applying more plasters to the cracks, even when they become chasms. Many hold their fundamental deal breaker as another affair – when the real deal breaker should be the cheater’s lack of change.

Discontinuing marital therapy feels counter-intuitive, I know. Many hope that therapy can keep their marriage together, which it might well do for a time. That hope, fuelled by fear of change and strong emotional ties to the cheater can result in a desperate investment in and commitment to marital therapy.

I want better for you than a Divorce Avoidance Plan – but I also understand that removing marital support exposes the cheater’s real thinking and lack of personal motivation to change – and that’s when things get risky.

I wish you well through this process.

~ Wayfarer

Infidelity Help Group offers free support and education for those whose lives have been affected by infidelity. We are secular advocates of self-esteem, self-worth, personal goals, and self-empowerment.

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divorcing a narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissit vs Divorcing a Sociopath

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Both the Narcissist and Sociopath (anti-social personality disorder) are toxic people who are difficult to deal with during divorce.

There are subtle differences between these two types of characters and what it means when divorcing a narcissist vs divorcing a sociopath.

The main point is a Narcissist craves attention and adoration. She has to be the star, whereas that is not the case with a Sociopath.

A Narcissist will specifically seek out publicity and a Sociopath wants power over others.

A Narcissist will have a position in a charity organization that is in the spotlight such as managing director. The Sociopath is more likely to be the one embezzling funds.

The Narcissist desires being in the news and the Sociopath is flying under the radar avoiding that in order to carry out nefarious deeds.

Sociopaths do not have a conscience and their moral code is “do not get caught.”

At a young age a Sociopath is apt to torture animals and torment those weaker than him. This child is charming to adults with exaggerated good manners as a smoke screen to disguise his true nature. They have a sense of entitlement and do not hesitate to trample upon anyone who gets in their way. Some of the financial executives who do inside trading and other illegal acts told the press that they did nothing wrong. In their eyes, this is correct.

divorcing a narcissist
Both manipulate others for their gain.

Both manipulate others for their gain. They blame others when they make mistakes or life is not going as planned. They can ignore family or belittle spouses. Narcissists especially do not like it if a spouse rises up the career ladder and has a more important position. They do not want to share the spotlight.

Sociopaths can have a volatile temper which is unpredictable and is especially scary for children.

Sociopaths may have their children join in their immoral or illegal activities. They watch pornography with their sons. Criminal families may bring the kids into the business at a young age. The youngsters participate in a shoplifting or burglary ring. In my area recently, three generations of several families were plying the drug trade together.

Narcissists use their kids as a way to garner more attention to themselves.

They play the good parent role and march the children around the office to get praise. They see the kids as an extension of themselves and may insist that their kids follow in their footsteps. A former dancer may demand that her daughter does ballet.

These parents want to bask in the admiration that surrounds their child. They want others to comment that the offspring is like their talented, beautiful, etc. parent.

In divorce, both personality disorders are capable of using the kids to get back at their other parent in retaliation. Since the Sociopath feels no remorse, they may be the more dangerous adversary.

Be cautious of safety issues especially with a sociopath co-parent. Neither are good at negotiating since they want the whole pie.

The Narcissists get through the divorce process better with lots of compliments and letting them feel like they are the star. With a Sociopath, emphasize maintenance and child support formulas to make it more impersonal. More drama and emotions can prolong divorce hearings. Having a divorce coach or therapist at least periodically check in with the children is prudent.

Both Narcissists and Sociopaths may act like they are the victim and you are the villain. They may charm your family members and end up with a few in their camp post-divorce. They are attempting to hurt you.

My sons and I have said good riddance to the ones who sided with their father. Sociopaths particularly excel in power plays and want to dominate others. Consider avoiding doing battle with these people and stay out of their way if possible.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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coping with divorce
/

Coping with Divorce from the Start

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So divorce has come knocking at your door and has finally come in.

If you’re certain that this is what you want then read on.  Coping with divorce from the start can help reduce much of the pain, hurt and stress that comes with dealing with divorce and the whole divorce process.

There are fights and arguments so terrible that you feel like you will never forgive this person.

You cannot believer the words that are coming out of his mouth and you cannot believe that she could be so vulgar and nasty!

There are financial issues so huge that you believe you will never overcome them.

Your level of mistrust is high, and for probably for good reason, so you need to be vigilant and aware that right now, it’s every man for himself.  You don’t want to be cheated off anything that is rightfully yours and neither does your partner.

That’s what divorce is about – but it doesn’t have to remain that way from here onwards.

You will need to start putting some things into place to make sure that this divorce doesn’t totally overwhelm you and your children.

As Maya Angelou put it:

Nothing works unless you do.

So here are some tips to help you through this time and beyond.  Just keep them in mind as you go:

  • The divorce is not you. Avoid looking at the divorce as part of you. Instead look at it as something that is happening outside of you. Don’t attach yourself to it despite all the emotions and pain. Look at it from the outside in.
  • Your partner’s determination to hurt you is part of the process, unfortunately so don’t take it personally. People fight back when “attacked.” You are fighting back too. If you can learn to accept that your partner is reacting in a way that is normal given the circumstances then you learn how not to take it personally which in turn helps with dealing with the journey with less hurt and malice and do so instead in a more practical way.
  • Moving on from Divorce
    Shelley Whitehead – one of the best divorce coaches I know.

    Accept what is going on. It is happening and there is no turning back. This helps deal with the whole thing more objectively and practically. It is what it is.

  • Accept and acknowledge that you too played a role in the break-up of your marriage. You absolutely need to accept this because if you don’t then you will very, very likely repeat the same mistakes that you in the your next relationship and the next and the next.  There’s power in being self-aware.
  • Always, always, always make sure that the children are as all right as possible. If you’re finding it hard to cope then get someone to help you along the way; a friend, relative or a good and reputable divorce coach like the wonderful Shelley Whitehead.
  • You have to decide to get better. You need to have that determination that you will get over this without believing that “getting over this” equates jumping into the next relationship as fast and as quick as possible. Get over this while single, work on yourself, know and understand why this marriage ended and how you helped it get there.
  • Don’t go out there like a warrior.  If you’re hurting, hurt away.  If you want to cry and lock yourself in a world where no one else can enter – apart from the children – then do so.  Feel those emotions, go through them as much as you need but don’t stay with them for the rest of your life. Deal, feel and move on.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Adultery and Divorce

10 Steps to Coping with Infidelity

Published on
coping with infidelity
An affair is an opportunity to legitimately press the pause button on the relationship

Many couples remain married despite infidelity and this is often celebrated as marital success by both the infidelity support community and marital therapists.

What is discussed less often is the quality and nature of the post-infidelity marriage – unfortunately many are little more than Divorce Avoidance Plans, not successful Happy Ever After Reconciliations.

The traditional approach to coping with infidelity might initially prevent divorce but the long-term outlook for the relationship isn’t encouraging.

In our experience, the traditional approach itself is directly responsible for the widespread failure of post-affair reconciliation attempts.

We must stop promoting reconciliation as ‘the successful’ outcome and instead recognise that cheater and marriage-centric strategies are responsible for promoting divorce avoidance despite dysfunction, abuse, or incompatibility.

An affair is an opportunity to legitimately press the pause button on the relationship, creating space to devise a rational, informed and authentic strategy to avoid unhealthy emotional ricocheting.

We should stress that infidelity is not gender specific, and these steps equally apply to faithful spouses of either gender.

 

1. Protect Yourself

Most faithful spouses feel out of control and fearful when they discover an affair and there are basic steps that are necessary to protect yourself and regain some stability:

  1. Get tested for STIs and make a condom mandatory.
  2. Seek legal counsel to understand your risks, entitlements, and liabilities (take advantage of free consultations).
  3. Take inventory of assets and make copies of important documents and financial records.
  4. Ensure that you have sole access to a financial cushion – cheaters can quickly become unreasonable, ugly, and retributive, often using financial muscle regardless of how that affects their family/children.

Affair discovery commonly precipitates abusive, manipulative, and callous behaviour but there are also correlations between violence and accusations of infidelity – keep yourself and your children safe.

2. Get Support

Having a good support network around you is important. Joining a chat room and support forum like ours at Infidelity Help Group can be a lifeline. Don’t rely on friends or family to give informed infidelity advice.

3. Understand Infidelity

coping with infidelity
Affairs are not the product of bad marriages.

Firstly, understand that affairs are not the product of bad marriages or faults in the faithful spouse. You didn’t cause the affair, you didn’t drive them to it, you couldn’t have stopped it, and you didn’t deserve it.

Affairs are similarly not caused by sex addiction, altered brain chemistry, or midlife crisis. Identifying the cheater’s behavioural patterns, understanding their core character, and observing their responses can help you make good, informed decisions for your future.

It can be difficult for the faithful spouse to accept that cheating is a symptom of larger behavioural patterns because many are reluctant to admit that they have tolerated, ignored, or justified abuse prior to the affair.

4. Disengage From Their Manipulations

Resist the temptation to engage in lengthy discussions about the affair and marriage. Instead, disengage from drama and firmly communicate that:

  1. You will not be a convenient fall-back position.
  2. Their affair changed the dynamic of the marriage and your participation in it.
  3. You will take the necessary steps to protect yourself from further harm.
  4. It is incumbent on them to address whatever internal issues created their affair.

If you wish to reconcile be explicit that until you observe evidence of changed thinking you will be moving your own life forward towards your own goals, without them.

Be mindful that cheaters feel entitled to control and manipulate for their own benefit and preferred outcome. An angry/negative reaction can indicate that your approach has frustrated their cheater-centric agenda.

5. Stop Trying to Manage It

Faithful spouses are often codependent ‘fixers’ but declaring your love and promising to change will backfire.

If you want evidence of your cheater’s authentic intent to reconcile, your meddling is counter-productive. Stop ‘guiding’ them to books, articles, or therapy – if their motivation is genuine, they will feel frustrated, bombarded and controlled.

The more you direct, control, or manage reconciliation the more you will feel resentful, devalued, and let down in the long run.

6. Avoid Marital Therapy

It’s tempting to rush off to marital counselling but marital therapy does not facilitate the personal change necessary for reconciliation. Instead, it gives the cheater a platform to deflect blame and teaches them how to further manipulate you.

7. Identify Your Goals

Many people lose their individual identity to their marriage. Be independent, resourceful, and fearless.

Don’t make your happiness contingent on your cheater’s choices.

Take inventory of your life and identify goals and dreams for yourself that are yours alone and within your own control.

8. Be Open to Divorce

coping with infidelity
Don’t stand, waiting for your spouse’s affair to end.

Most faithful spouses will doggedly attempt to engineer reconciliation, entirely unwilling to accept that this may be the worst outcome for their children, their cheater, and themselves.

STOP:

  1. Holding reconciliation as the only successful outcome: unhealthy relationships aren’t successful reconciliations.
  2. Justifying and defending your cheater: infidelity is indefensible.
  3. Rationalising why you have to fix it: it’s controlling and unhealthy.
  4. Insisting on marital therapy: the marriage didn’t cause the affair.
  5. Claiming that ‘staying for the kids’ is selfless: it’s misguided.
  6. Holding ‘marriage’ or an ‘intact family’ as your goal: you can’t choose this for someone else.
  7. Rationalising why this advice doesn’t apply to you: it does.

9. Act, Act, Act

Discovering your spouse’s infidelity can freeze you in inaction, but doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.

Don’t stand, waiting for your spouse’s affair to end. The longer you don’t act, tolerating or justifying their affair, the more it minimises the cheater’s unethical behaviour and normalises their new dynamic with both you and their affair partner.

Even if you don’t file, you must respond to the new reality you’re facing. Doing nothing is a tacit agreement to a unilateral open marriage now or in the future. Your inaction and scrambling to win back your cheater and make them happy doesn’t present them with consequences to their actions – it rewards them.

Don’t wait around unhappy, pining, your self-worth shattered. Start your own life in your own right, making new friends and enjoying new interests that are solely yours.

Be brave, be fun, be interesting – your cheater’s affair has highlighted how tenuous marriage can be so don’t make it your whole life. When your entire identity is tied up in your marriage and your marriage ends, where does that leave you?

10. See the Upside

If the affair does result in a divorce, understand that divorcing a cheater DOES have an upside, despite the challenges it brings.

The affair might have motivated you to lose weight, get a degree, move closer to friends and family, or get more involved in your community. All of these are positive things that you likely wouldn’t have done without the affair.

Truly understand the value of your freedom and celebrate the benefits of no longer having to walk on egg-shells to keep someone else happy. Create a peaceful, content life for you and your children, and nurture the relationships with those who treat you with love and respect.

Don’t idealise reconciliation because most reconciliations aren’t happy and most cheaters are selfish, entitled, and lazy.

Infidelity Help Group offers free support and education for those whose lives have been affected by infidelity. We are secular advocates of self-esteem, self-worth, personal goals, and self-empowerment.
Email: wayfarer@infidelityhelpgroup.com

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should I get divorced
//

Should I get Divorced?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Should I get divorced?

For those of us who are divorced, it’s very likely that that question escaped your lips at some point or other.

Having been divorced twice and founding The Divorce Magazine, it is not unusual for people to ask me if they should remain in their current relationships or if they should leave and file for a divorce.

My answer is usually the same – it’s not a decision that I nor anyone else can make for you.

Having said this, I believe that you should do everything you can to try and make your marriage or relationship work.  Don’t leave any stone unturned, especially if you have children.

Thinking of couple therapy as a means to reconcile is one way of looking at it but in reality it can work both ways.  It can serve to help you and your partner work things through but it can also help you and/or your partner realise that leaving is what you really want and prepare you for this process.

So, please, before you file for divorce, here are some things that you may want to ask yourself or to consider:

  • Are you leaving due to anger and hurt?  If you are then you still have unfinished emotional issues that you will need to work through.  We very, very rarely think things through rationally when we are angry and hurt.  How can you deal with these feelings right now?  Simply by providing yourself with adequate and objective support – surround yourself with someone or people whom you can trust to keep you in mind and not play a part in fanning the flames of your anger.

One lady I know, whose husband cheated on her is still carrying the feelings of anger and betrayal 6/7 years later.  This then means that she makes it next to impossible for him to spend time with their son hence playing a role, inadvertently perhaps, of disrupting and interrupting a very dear part of her child’s life.

  • Do you still love your partner?  If so, then is this really the way you want to go right now?  Have you looked at all the options available to help you work things through?  In my work with children and families of divorce, I have come across couples who after a period of separation, have come to the realisation that they want to remain together. Have you considered this option?  What about couple’s therapy.
  • Are you unsure that this is the right way to go – do you have any doubts?  It has often been said that any doubt means
    Should I get a divorce
    Do you have any doubts

    no. Sometimes stepping back and looking at your marriage or relationship from a different perspective may help. Remember what your marriage was like when it worked?  Is what you are leaving over, worth the permanent breakup of your marriage or relationship?  What role are you or have you played in getting your relationship to where it is now? What “complaints” does your partner make about you?  Are they in any way legitimate?  Where are the origins of your doubt?

  • Are you ready to create a new way of life for you and your children?  Divorce and separation means that you no longer live with your partner.  Are you ready to get into a co-parenting relationship where your children share their time between two households in a way that will be conducive to your children’s wellbeing and development?
  • How would you feel when, not if,  your partner starts a new relationship?  Would you be ok with it or would you want to murder both of them preferably at the same time?  What would it mean for you to have your child be part of another person’s life?

A very dear friend of mine, who initiated their divorce once found herself literally hiding behind a bush, watching as her ex-husband, their son and new partner were having a picnic one summer.  It wasn’t that she wanted him back, it was that her son, her only child, was now part of another family unit.

Divorce can be hard.  So before you go down that route make sure you know all that you need to know.  Do your research, know all that you need to know.  Plan and prepare yourself legally for the divorce and for the tough emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies this process.

Don’t do it unless your sure.  Are you sure this is the way to go for you?  Only you can answer that question.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Abused Women – One Woman’s Story

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
 The Global Guide to Divorce

Beth was nineteen when she married the man of her dreams.

He was patient, respectful and only drank a pint or two of beer at the pub.

She appreciated his restraint and maturity. Even the worst traffic jam did not faze his calm temperament.

Her parents and friends did not care for Edmond, but did not give specific reasons why. Her police officer father had Edmond checked out, but no previous crimes were revealed.

What a shock when this mild-mannered man morphed into a monster. Beth did not see this coming.

After the wedding, Edmond would fly into a rage at the slightest provocation.

Whatever Beth did, it was not quick or good enough. She discovered that when dating, Edmond would have the beer with her, take her home, and then start drinking heavily with his mates. He continued getting drunk with the lads after marriage.

Beth became pregnant right away and Edmond started physically abusing her.

She has four tall, muscular brothers, but could not bring herself to tell them of her abuse. When she was pregnant, Edmond pushed her down the stairs, yet Beth still stayed in the marriage. One night when inebriated, Edmond went into the baby’s room and Beth became afraid of potential harm. The neighbours called the police when a shouting match erupted.

Edmond was taken into police custody and Beth and the son went to her parents’ house.

marrying an abusive person
Beth did not see this coming.

Beth initiated the divorce.

She did not ask for maintenance or child support and just wanted to cut all ties with this man. The court ordered that any visitation would be supervised due to Edmond’s past abuse. No visitation schedule was set up by the court.

Edmond came to Beth’s place only once post-divorce to see his son. Luckily two of her brothers were there, otherwise Beth would have been terrified. No further attempt was made to have any contact with the child. Edmond’s father was deceased, but his mother never acknowledged her first grandson or saw him. Beth said her mother-in-law was very cold and strange.

The last time Beth heard anything about Edmond was after she had filed a tax form listing her young son as a deduction. Edmond had done the same and Beth easily proved that she was the one who had paid all of the child’s bills. Apparently Edmond was informed that he was not allowed this deduction, because it only happened once.

Beth said she learned to listen to people when they have a feeling that something is not right. She was young and impetuous, so chose not to inquire further why so many friends and family members did like Edmond.

Beth said taking longer getting to know someone was how she made the right choice the second time around in marriage.

She cautions people not to let their pride stand in the way when needing help or admitting that one made a mistake. Beth said to cut one’s losses right away when a situation is deteriorating.

She wishes that she would have told her family about the physical abuse so they could have helped extricate her from this dangerous situation.

Edmond covered up his personality disorder while dating, but rushing into marriage makes this a bit easier to accomplish.

Look at your potential partner’s family and friends closely. This will give a clue about their true nature and values.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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relationship on the rocks

Relationship on the Rocks – Some Signs

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are little hints that a relationship may be teetering towards divorce, but we often overlook these signs.

It is easier to make excuses or to keep the relationship status quo, rather than analyse what may be going wrong.

Some people felt if they pretended everything was okay, then it really was okay.

Change can be hard and some may not be willing to put forth the effort. These red flags are indicators that help may be needed.

  • The big sign that I consistently observed in husbands before a divorce, was that they were jittery and nervous. They could be in a zen situation and still exhibited behaviour as if going before a firing squad. They seemed to be on red alert and looking for a quick exit. A few were even shaking.
  • Lack of sex. Are they not initiating sex or has it become more mechanical and less loving? This in itself does not point to divorce – but rather in conjunction with others on the list, it may. Avoiding intimacy and seeming more like a flatmate instead of a lover, deserves a discussion.
  • Your wife repeatedly whispering on the phone in another room and hanging up when you enter is suspicious. Your husband keeping you in the dark regarding his whereabouts and time he will be home is worrisome. Not being open with schedules and evasive answers is a clue that something is off.
  • Not wanting to socialize as a couple anymore is a red flag. One woman decided not to continue going to her husband’s speeches and told him she wanted more time with the kids. She felt uneasy around her husband and was not going to pretend to be the happy wife in public. They got a divorce.
  • Relationship on the Rocks
    Not wanting to socialize as a couple anymore is a red flag.

    Check on the money. Is her grocery bills, and other necessities much higher now? She may be getting cash back with a debit card when making purchases, and socking it away. Are there some discrepancies or recent large withdrawals? A spouse may be planning a getaway from the marriage.

  • Are you being treated condescendingly or belittled? Being taken for granted can happen even in the happiest of relationships, however a lack of respect does not. My ex was putting me down in front of our sons and I wrestled with the popular saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” When my sons started following his example, then I called them and him on any infractions. We parted ways and my sons became respectful towards me again. Conversations may segue into heated arguments and blame is high on the list. If you cannot have quiet discussions then something is amiss.
  • How are your spouse’s parents and family treating you? My former mother-in-law got a little more frosty right before my husband left me. She obviously knew what was in the cards. They may already be distancing themselves from you in anticipation of a break up.
  • Are you having less fun and losing your connection to each other? Perhaps the topic of conversation is about logistics, such as who is picking up the kids, and less about feelings. Having nearly separate lives while still cohabitating is a warning sign.

What to do if you feel your relationship is on the rocks?

Have a heart-to-heart with your spouse, maybe over a glass of wine.  She may be overwhelmed with work and kids and getting outside help may be the cure.

He may be having some medical concerns and needs a push to see the GP.

Some busy couples take a week or so without children and go to a dreamy resort. Just being together and having uninterrupted time gets the relationship back on track. If talking it out does not work, then seek counselling.

The charity Relate and other ones have resources for patching up relationships. Counselling can help you determine what the best option is, whether staying together or getting a divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Unhealthy Relationships. Are you in One?

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

There are often many factors that influence why we start a relationship and with whom and some of those factors can be quite complex, maybe to do with reasons other than love and attraction.

Equally there can be many more reasons why we continue in a relationship that we know is not right for us.

Let’s reflect on some of the reasons why our relationship may not be right:

– He or she is not free. Dating and being with someone who has serious commitments elsewhere, who is married or partnered is a definite no go area for many people.

But there are other people who, for a variety of reasons, find themselves drawn into a relationship with someone who is not free.

They may have been unaware that the person was already involved with another, may have found the attraction too compelling to resist or may have actually preferred a relationship with someone who was unavailable, someone who would make few demands, who would only be available part-time and as such provide a relationship free from the usual considerations and constraints.

Over time though the dynamics of this relationship may change as emotions become increasingly involved, as times occur when you want your partner to be with you, to be able to introduce him or her to family and friends, to share times together and to feel reassured that they feel love and affection for you in return.

There can gradually emerge a sense of frustration that your relationship isn’t right and a wish that he or she had dealt with their previous situation before embarking on a new relationship with you.

– Your partner is too busy.

Many people are finding that in order to do well, to be successful in their chosen business or career they have to commit to working longer and longer hours, may frequently be required to work away from home with little free time left to connect with family and friends, do their chores, have a little personal time as well as invest in a serious relationship.

It can feel a little lonely dating someone who is too busy to see you.

For a relationship like this to survive there has to be a negotiation, a conversation where you discover whether there is enough space for you in his or her life.

Are you important enough to your partner, do you need to become less reliant and perhaps a little more independent and cultivate other interests and friends, is the involvement with work a short-term situation that can be tolerated for the duration?

Discuss where you fit in and decide whether that’s okay for you or whether the relationship is not right for you.

– I don’t fancy him or her anymore.

Relationships evolve over time and the heady mix of sexual excitement, chemistry, attraction and love can transform into a more settled and comfortable partnership where you’re both able to relax and be yourselves as you become more familiar and close to each other in different ways.

getting a divorce
Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want you is soul destroying.

In some of those relationships people find that they have drifted apart over time.

It’s interesting how the very things that attracted us in the beginning can become a turn-off; that relaxed and laid back approach to life may start to be viewed as lazy or unambitious.

We may find that we become irritated, disinterested, perhaps even bored by them.

Relationship counselling may help to address any underlying issues and find common ground to work on towards improving your relationship’s chances of survival. But look at the reasons why you’ve stayed together if you really feel that your relationship’s not right for you.

Are you staying out of fear of the unknown, concern about the alternative, financial reasons, tradition, upsetting family or friends, fear of being alone or of not finding someone else?

Look at those reasons and decide if they are sufficiently compelling to enable you to focus on becoming more positively committed to the relationship again.

Could your relationship be retrieved through counselling and effort or is it time to move on and give each other time to recover and perhaps find someone new?

– He or she doesn’t fancy me anymore.

There are few things more soul-destroying than being in a relationship with someone whom you suspect finds you boring, tedious and who clearly doesn’t want to be with you.

You may suspect that they are staying because of the children, financial implications or guilt, but being with someone who feels that way can gradually impact on your confidence and self-esteem and make you perhaps start to behave in ways that are totally out of character for you.

Some people feel compelled to try harder and harder to win their partner’s love and affection, to please their partner but to no avail. They may become angry and bitter because they are hurt and upset at the rejection. They may start drinking more or start to take less care of themselves, all as a direct consequence of feeling hurt and discarded.

Relationship counselling may help to determine where the relationship is going, whether or not it can be healed. It can play an important role in helping both parties to move forward, either together or apart, depending on what you both want or feel is suitable as an appropriate outcome.

Follow Susan on Facebook and Twitter

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Dr. Roz

On Surviving Infidelity in Marriage – 3 Keys Steps

Published on

Dr Roz talks about surviving infidelity in marriage

Dr. Roz
Dr. Roz

When most couples say l do, in that moment, it appears that they may really want to honor their vows to one another.

However the reality of what marriage really is emerges, and most couples are not prepared to deal with the struggles, the sacrifices, or the idea that their spouse is capable of committing the ultimate betrayal of infidelity!

The structure of marriage is designed for two individuals to become dependent upon each other to meet each other’s needs.

However, when infidelity is introduced into the marriage, the healing process requires a structure that is independent of each other in the beginning due to the feeling of loneliness and the anger of being betrayed.

As a result, it may appear that a marriage is unable to survive such betrayal, but with hard work, introspection, and making changes in the relationship, an individual can obtain the marriage that is desired.

Commitment to Each Other

What must first be realized in the healing process is, if the marriage is worth fighting for as evidenced by the couple’s commitment to each other!

The couple has to decide independently of each other whether the marriage is still a beneficial partnership.

A common mistake that is made in most relationships is that love will conquer all and as long as two people love each other, the marriage will survive. There are lots of divorced couples that still love each other, but struggled in managing their marriage. Marriage requires more than just love! Commitment to each other is the glue that maintains a marriage.

Effective Communication

When infidelity takes place in most marriages, it is just the symptom of an underlying root cause that has manifested in the marriage.

how to have a successful marriage www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
it is important to learn how to communicate effectively to divorce proof the marriage.

More often the inability to communicate effectively about needs and desires in a relationship is the true culprit of infidelity!

Most people think that they are communicating with their spouse if they simply just say what is bothering them, however if their partner is not actively listening, comprehending, and understanding their partner’s needs, then the message has fallen on deaf ears.

Often times, the couple may be more concerned about getting their point understood that they completely ignore the needs of the partner and frustration and resentment has now become a part of the marriage.

It is not that the person that the spouse chooses to cheat with ( better known as the home wrecker or jump off) is better than the current spouse, it is more so that the jump off strives to be more attentive to the spouse’s needs, as that is the only purpose that they may serve for the spouse! Their level of energy to meet the spouse’s need is attractive and manipulates the spouse into thinking that the grass may be greener with someone else, as opposed to their spouse.

As a result, it is important to learn how to communicate effectively to divorce proof the marriage.

Actively listen to your spouse, try to understand the spouse’s needs, and work to meet those needs. It is always important to look at the role one plays in the infidelity betrayal. To clarify, a person’s choice to cheat is their own choice and they must own that, however it helps to introspect to see how one can function better in the marriage.

Be Open and Honest

Surviving Infidelity www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
It may appear that a marriage is unable to survive such betrayal

It is possible to trust the cheating spouse again!

However, the offending spouse has to be willing to be an open book and meet the requests of the offended spouse for as long as that individual needs it to heal.

This may take years, but if the marriage is worth the fight, then this inconvenience of being completely open is worth the burden.

If the offending spouse has made a commitment not to cheat again, then it should be no problem to allow the offended spouse all access to the personal belongings ( i.e. phone, email account, etc) to help restore security back in to the marriage.

If the cheating spouse is not willing to be open with the spouse, it is a clear indication of the level of commitment to working on the marriage!

Not all is lost in trying to revive a marriage after infidelity, however assessing the level of commitment to the marriage, effective communication, and a willingness to be open and honest are necessary requirements to getting the marriage back on track.

Moreover, one must be willing to heal from the betrayal and actively forgive their spouse by doing the necessary work of figuring out what the underlying root causes are and making the changes needed.

While infidelity is the ultimate betrayal, it can also be the catalyst that a relationship needs to function in a more appropriate manner and for the couple to obtain the relationship that they both deserve.

Is infidelity is a deal breaker for you or do you think you can survive it?

Have you experienced infidelity?

Roselyn V. Aker- Black, Psy.D (affectionately known as Dr. Roz) is a native of Rome, Georgia and currently resides in the Washington, DC metro area. Dr. Roz received a B.A. in psychology from Fisk University and completed a doctoral degree in clinical psychology at Argosy University in Washington. She is the co founder of Marriage-Exposed.com a website dedicated to saving families, one marriage at a time!

 

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Divorce Humour

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Top 6 quotes to show some divorce humour.

Enjoy!

 

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