Letters to Linda - Page 2

I am not proud of it. I had an affair with a married man. It’s gone on for two years and now he is leaving his wife and wants to marry me. I don’t want him or a marriage. I like my independence. I tried to tell him many times but I don’t think he heard me. Have I completely messed up his life and my life too?

First thing to remember in all of this is that it takes two.

Yes you made the decision to have an affair with a married man but he also made the decision to cheat on his wife. After that things get a little more challenging.

Did you ever give him the impression you would want something permanent, maybe at the very beginning?  If you did make some commitment at some point to a future together without being entirely honest then the situation becomes more complicated.

First of all you need to get organized to be entirely honest with him as soon as possible. You say you don’t want him or a marriage. Does that mean you want to stop seeing him altogether? 

Before you have your meeting think very carefully about why you feel this way. You also want to make sure this is not a fear of commitment colouring your feelings. Being in an affair allows for a certain amount of freedom. A real relationship or marriage requires commitment. A solid explanation is needed. There are two people in this relationship and no matter how you feel about him right now, he deserves an honest explanation.

Any type of relationship, whether it is only casual or serious, involves some emotional commitment. Untangling that needs to be done with care. There is probably a fair amount of guilt between the two of you. That is another emotion that needs to be addressed.

You can’t change the past or your actions. You can, however, apologize to him if you were not entirely honest about your motives during the affair. Although you did tell him, were you clear about the message? Sometimes we only fool ourselves with attempts at honesty.

The longer you fail to take any type of action, the more difficult it will be.

You already know what he wants and intends to do. He does not know your true feelings. That is a communication gap that needs to be fixed. Think very carefully about how you want this to unfold. Will you tell him and immediately stop seeing him? Will you tell him and still be willing to see each other regularly? Do you feel confident you have the ability to stand up to any pressure he might put on you to change your mind?

All those questions need to be answered and the decisions should be fairly clear in your own mind before you have the conversation. 

Life is all about learning from our mistakes or wrong steps. When you are ready, be honest and open with him about how you feel and what you expect from the future.

If he does leave his wife he may need a friend. Can you see your relationship turning into a friendship? Remember, there are many ways the future could unfold between the two of you.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

We are a family in crisis. It has been a year of conflict. Our marriage is collapsing. I am not sure what the new year will bring but right now we need to get our kids through the holiday. I don’t know what to do.

The holiday season at the best of times is stressful.

When you are a family in crisis it only makes the situation much worse. Do you stay or go before the holiday?  From experience I can say that committing to the holiday together at a time like this can be very challenging.

If your decision is firm to have a family holiday season then there are a few things to consider.

Keep your eye on the goal of making it through the holiday. Be civil but don’t pretend anything with your spouse.

However, a truce should be considered. If you have been in conflict for much of the past year then everyone needs some relief from the stress. There is nothing to be gained by arguing. Make a choice to not engage in any arguments. You both know the flash points very well so try to avoid them if possible. Will your spouse agree to this type of arrangement?

Suggest you do it together for your children. They have been part of the conflict and are probably feeling quite emotionally bruised by it. It is not pretending to put aside arguing because your children will see through any acting. It is making a good choice and being considerate of everyone in the family during the holiday season.

Straight away make a promise to yourself that you will control any expectations from family and friends. Do what you can do and don’t let the holiday control you.  Perhaps think about a new tradition that everyone might enjoy.

Sometimes switching up traditions creates a different and more agreeable frame for the family. There’s less ‘remember when’ with a new tradition. If your children are old enough, include them in the holiday planning. Doing things everyone wants to do will help lessen the stress.

When you are out at social functions remember the goal is to get through the event. Holiday get-togethers are not the time to discuss your personal problems. Keep your conversations focused on the present.

Talking about a possible separation and divorce in the New Year is not really necessary. If friends ask how you are doing then be honest without being too forthcoming. There will be plenty of time in the New Year for family and friends to be informed.

Finally, if your children are older and want some answers then they do deserve that consideration. If no firm decision has been made about a separation than tell them just that. Whatever your future decision, you have decided to spend Christmas together without any disruption to the family and leave it at that. Admit it is a very difficult time and what you hope is that everyone will try to make their best effort.

Take some time for yourself over the holiday. The stress will be challenging to manage. If you can, trade off some of the responsibilities with your spouse so you both get down time. Some family activities can be divided up and shared. That way each of you has a chance to regroup.

There will be plenty of time after the holiday to get your life and your future in order. For now consider it a few weeks reprieve before the big job begins.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I’ve been divorced for 30 years. My X husband showed up in my life recently. We’ve been estranged all this time. We have not spoken in almost two decades. Our kids accept that Mom and Dad do not attend family gatherings together. We’ve always worked it out to be at anything at different times. All that changed a few months ago when we ended up at a gathering together. We got along really well. The years slipped away, and all the bad memories with it. We’ve been secretly seeing each other since then. Our kids do not know anything about our dates. We are in our 70’s and are both single. Are we crazy?

Linda says

These longer lives we are living provide opportunity for all sorts of crazy things to happen in families—good and bad.

This looks like it might be good. However, the secrecy is not a good start for your kids. A few dates to see if there was more to it than just a good time together at one social gathering are certainly acceptable. But after a few months it is time to be honest with your family.

Be prepared for judgements. Much of it will be based on fear because they will worry that one or both of you will get hurt as a result of this new arrangement. Your kids were there for all the nasty bits that happened when you divorced. They will not have any inclination to see those hurtful times repeated.

Tread carefully and go reasonably slowly. Being the age you are does not allow for a long courtship but taking your time about decisions is really the best option.

You don’t offer what your plans are for the future but a good starting point is to go to family gatherings together. Let everyone get used to the fact you are friendly again.

Try not to push this new arrangement on everyone. Ask them if they are OK with coming to these family events together. If you do go together, try to be as natural as possible and let everyone get used to this new togetherness at their own speed.

You do have age and experience on your side in the sense that you both know exactly what you want for this stage of life. Think carefully about how you want this chapter to unfold. Honesty on both sides is very important.

Also be mindful of the fact that you both have most likely changed over the years. But the core attraction that existed at the beginning is still there if you are dating again and enjoying each other’s company.

Eventually moving in together may be an option but it may not if one or both of you have got used to independence. Make sure that you both are very clear with each other about expectations.

The really positive aspect of this stage of life is that it can be shaped anyway we want as long as it is acceptable to both sides. If you do want to live together then there are financial considerations. You have been apart for a long time. How you work out shared finances is yet another question to be answered. How much financial independence are you willing to give up?

Maybe you want to live apart but be exclusive to each other. Maybe you would consider two flats in the same building or going to the same retirement community. There are any number of ways a future could unfold. Often we are more open to living arrangements that may not appear so conventional to our children. They might view it as an all or nothing resolution, a return to the past.

Open discussion as a family is the best way to find a resolution. However, do what feels best for the two of you at this stage of life. The fact both of you would appear to have solid relationships with your children is very positive.

After your children, what other people think of your decision doesn’t really matter. That is one advantage to age.  Life and happiness are fleeting. Carpe Diem!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Photo by Marisa Howenstine on Unsplash

I am currently separated from my husband of 25 yrs.

We have four children together ranging from 28-16. We were married young, after knowing each other for only a couple of months I became pregnant and we married 3 months later.

I realized about 4 yrs into the marriage that things weren’t right and I wasn’t happy. However I then became pregnant with my second child and figured this was the direction my life was supposed to go.

I had dropped out of college to get a full time job, with benefits, when I became pregnant with my first child and since my husband was on scholarship he needed to graduate on time.

I was a stay at home mom which allowed my husband to work and travel as needed. Over the 25 yrs he had several different jobs. Some he left some he was fired from.

Along the way I lost respect for him. He for me as well. He is a very controlling and condescending man. We have not been intimate in years, I feel nothing for him. We had four children together so I stayed. I know this sounds cliche’ but I stayed for my children.

My marriage sucked but I LOVED being a mom.

They are the best thing I’ve ever done. We have been in marriage counseling many times and I have also seen a personal counselor to help me figure out why my husband has no desire for me, why I felt like a child around him, why I allowed him to boss me around, I knew I didn’t like being treated that way but I felt powerless, stuck.

My question is, why is it so hard for me to actually say ‘it’s over’?

I want to move forward and discover what life is like making my own decisions but I’m terrified. What if my children hate me?

I feel emotionally scarred by some of the things my husband has said to me over the years. About 3 months ago I moved out into a little rental near my kids. My husband refused to leave and said I was the one with the problem not him. I feel sick to my stomach when he calls me and just the sound of his voice makes me feel awful.

Why do I feel this way? Why am I having such a hard time telling him how I feel. He’s all I know. I was married at 21. Will it ever go away? I’m so sorry, I feel like I’m rambling on. This is the hardest and most painful moments in my life. I’d appreciate any feedback. Thank you! 

Linda Says

One of the truly unfortunate aspects of separation and divorce is that often we are hardest on ourselves.

Appreciate that you have made many choices in life that show you have considerable emotional strength. Staying in a marriage that was not satisfying to benefit your children was one way you have proven your strength.

The many attempts at counseling show commitment and perseverance.

Right now you need to channel all of those attributes toward your own personal growth. We only feel powerless if we choose to feel that way. Every single day you can and will make choices that benefit you.

A traumatic event like separation and divorce has emotional as well as physical effects.  That nauseous feeling is part of your body’s reaction to the stress.

You left the home and that is the first step on a path forward. There are many unanswered questions right now and some of them can be answered by a divorce solicitor. It is a scary step to make the appointment.

It’s a place we thought we’d never be in life. However, good advice from a solicitor will go a long way to easing some of the worry about the future.

You have indicated there was some form of emotional abuse with put downs and criticisms. Those are only his words and not who you are.

I know personally that when we are in the midst of an abusive relationship, reality is hard to find. We believe what is being said about us because this is our primary partner. What he says must be true. But –it isn’t! Those words have one motive- to hurt you and diminish you.

It is an abuse of his power in the relationship. Love and care do not exist in abusive criticism and put downs. Rejection of any intimacy is yet another example of his negative power and control. It is only when we step away from the abuse that we begin to feel ourselves again. Seek out counseling if you feel it will help. I know it did for me.

For now, limit contact with your husband. Unless it is child related, you can control how much interaction with him takes place. You are living apart and he does not have control over you. Given the age of your children most family issues can be dealt with on a weekly basis. You decide how often there will be contact.

Perhaps for right now, concentrate on your own healing and wait for a later date to explain yourself to your husband when you are less raw emotionally.  Do not let his negative words or pressure affect your choices. Do what feels best for you and do not make any permanent decisions until speaking with a mediator or solicitor.

When you see your children avoid talking about your husband and try to be as positive as possible about the future. Be honest. Separation and divorce are not easy but you will all get through it. It was a decision you had to make. Don’t over share or let your children become go betweens.

Find out how they are doing and how they are feeling. Make any meetings together about them. No matter what, you will love your children and there will always be a place for them in your life. Your love for them is evident. Show them how strong you can be.

Try to restore some order to your life. See your children regularly.  Your children are feeling a great deal of uncertainty right now. What they need is stability and you do too. Regular visits and regular chats on the phone will help them feel that even though their future has changed, you will be a part of it.

Keep a journal as a way of tracking your emotional growth. A journal never gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. It is a constant friend in times of stress. Your future will emerge on those pages as each day brings you closer to a future of your choosing.

I know how it feels to end a long marriage with the only person you’ve ever known. I felt very alone and scared. Eventually my new life took shape because the future became one of my choosing just like it will for you.

You have already proven enormous strength and resilience. The acute pain you are feeling right now will fade.

Believe in yourself and see each day as moving closer to the life you want. You can do it!!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk –  Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I have been offered a job in another country. I am worried about my sons and don’t know how to tell them. I am also worried my X wife might use this against me with them. I have been sharing the parenting since our split and have a great relationship with my sons. This is an opportunity I can’t refuse for many reasons. What can I do to make it easier for my sons?

A parent moving a long way away can be stressful for children of divorce. It increases their sense of loss. However, in today’s world there are many ways to help ease that stress.

First of all you need to tell your former wife and sons as soon as possible so they can start to get used to the idea.

Be open and honest about this opportunity. Be positive with your X wife and ask for her support in this new venture. You are not doing this to shirk your duty as a father but as a career advancement.

I am assuming it will mean a salary increase which can benefit your sons, perhaps adding to their post-secondary educational fund. If you and your X wife are on speaking terms, tell her that although you will be far away, you will still do everything you can to support her with parenting issues.

If your parents or other members of your family are available try to enlist their support to fill in when they are able to help. Your former wife is likely to feel some resentment. You have been a part of the parenting and the distance will mean that your help will no longer be directly available.

Try to work out solutions before you leave, be pro-active in whatever problems you might see arise. Ask her what worries her most. Do as much problem solving as you can before you leave.

Be sensitive to the sense of abandonment she will be feeling. Both of you as parents are no doubt very aware of the issues that might be encountered. By putting aside differences and working together you ensure a better chance of a smooth transition for your children after you leave.

You need to assure your sons there will be a place for them when they come to visit. It is very important for children to know there is a place and space for them in your life. They will be worried about that until their first visit with you in your new home.

You will also need to deal with the fact they will miss you. They might put on a brave face but because you have been very much a part and present in their life they will feel an enormous sense of loss. This distance will be a new challenge for them.

The new job is exciting but means quite a change for the rest of your family. Your emotions are very different from the others directly involved. Again be sensitive to their feelings.

Use the most effective social media app to make sure your sons know you are available to them. The first few months will be crucial and might be quite a roller coaster of emotion for everyone. You will miss your sons and no doubt feel very alone at times. Be good to yourself, admit those feelings and whenever possible talk to your sons. Hearing their voices will help you.

With time, everyone should find their footing in this new arrangement. Don’t expect overnight success and be appreciative of the new responsibilities your former wife has assumed. Be patient as your family adjusts and  keep working toward the goal of a fulfilling career and secure, happy sons.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

We have a family reunion at the end of the summer. My wife and I have decided to separate but have not told our kids. We are waiting until later in September when a few decisions have been made about where we will live and how we can arrange things the best way for our family. We want to get them settled in their schools first. How can I get through this family reunion? I have to go.

There are a number of ways to get through the reunion. You can go alone. You can go with your kids or you can all go. If the whole family goes it becomes a very challenging social gathering for you and your wife. Of the three options, everyone going would be the hardest and the most stressful.

You have made the decision to not inform anyone and that is your prerogative but a decision like that creates confusion and stress. It will be confusing for your kids when they are told and wonder why you withheld the information and stress for you and your wife as you get through all the social engagements over the next two months.

As for the reunion, given you have decided not to say anything to others, then do just that. If you go alone or with your kids, there’s really nothing beyond saying a simple sorry my wife couldn’t make it and carry on the conversation. Embellishing that simple statement is not necessary.

People will wonder but once conversation moves on to other things the stress of the immediate question is diffused.

You might find that when the truth does come out some family members take offence you didn’t confide in them. They need to respect it was your choice but they also care about you and probably feel they could have helped more.

It is an extremely difficult decision to end a marriage. Carrying this secret creates more stress within the family home. Something dramatic has changed and your children will sense it. It is a significant decision to withhold the separation information from them.

They will see the change of behaviour and the change in the way you and your wife interact with each other and know something is wrong.  They are probably worried and afraid to ask.

As for all those post marriage decisions, some of them should be family decisions if your children are old enough. They often feel divorce is their fault so they need to be solidly assured the decision had nothing to do with them. Along with that, your children need to know that no matter what the future holds, they are loved and will always be safe and secure because you and your wife will make sure of that.

You are trying to do what you feel is best in this very difficult time but be prepared for something unplanned to happen.

An example would be one of your children, a sibling or friend asking about the state of your marriage. We often fool ourselves into believing that no one can see the workings of a relationship, but the reality is that most people in your circle can see.

Remember that others, your children and extended family are part of this change and will be part of the new future. Consider the possibility that you might change your mind about the timeline for informing family.

At any point you can open up to someone you trust. It might be comforting to have their emotional support.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list. Letters to Linda Disclaimer

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I’m divorcing my husband but I am very close to my stepdaughter who is just turning 16. Her birth mother is estranged and we have had a great relationship over the years of the marriage.  I don’t want to lose that in the divorce.  I don’t know what her father would think of me seeing her regularly.  How do I approach it?

One good thing about today’s world is that there are no hard rules about the way a divorce should be handled.

Honesty and communication are the key elements to making this work for everyone.

Begin with your soon to be X husband.  Explain to him why you want to keep in touch with your stepdaughter.  Assure him that it will be a positive relationship with no ulterior motives.

One very important aspect of this conversation is that he knows you are not trying to take his place or interfere with his relationship with his daughter.  Think about this conversation beforehand.  In fact write down your reasons so you are clear in your own mind why you are asking for this connection.

If he is skeptical then suggest that there be a trial time of a few months.  You can all reassess the relationship at the time because your former stepdaughter should have a say in the decision as well.

It is very important for a teen girl today to have an older mentor woman friend. As you will no longer have any legal capacity as a step mother, view yourself in that way.  There is much she will gain by a good trusting relationship with you.

When you do see each other avoid any discussion about her father other than pleasantries.  It is easy for a child to get caught carrying stories back and forth and you do not want to put her in that position.

Your role is a friend.  You can meet for coffee or a lunch but occasionally focus on doing things with her that her father would probably not do.  Get your nails done, or a little mini spa visit, see a chick flick movie together – have some fun with whatever the budget allows.

Most important is to listen to her, without distractions – including phones.  Your undivided attention will do much to demonstrate her importance in your life.

She has now seen two divorces in her young life.  Be hones about life being lessons we learn.  Without getting too specific you want to assure her marriages can and do work.  Approach your marriage break up with her father without oversharing and in a minimal but honest way.  Divorces are generally about two people who are often equally to blame but in different ways.

She doesn’t need details but what she needs is to be reminded that life is about detours.  We learn and continue on life’s journey.

With that, give her hope that just because her parents and your marriage to her father didn’t work, there are many marriages that are successful.

Make sure that your conversations move past the divorce and be open with her about wanting to talk about other things.  A divorce has a way of taking up so much emotional energy and monopolizing conversations.  You want the relationship to be much more than the divorce from her father.

At 16, she is thinking about next steps in her future.  Let her talk through her hopes and dreams.  Offer advice if you feel it appropriate.  If she disagrees with what her father advises be very careful of any criticisms.

As time moves on there will be less strain about overstepping perceived boundaries in the friendship.  Good Luck!

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I was divorced over the past school year and our children are facing their first summer of divided holidays. How can I make sure that our children feel Ok with plans? What can I do to keep myself on track?

First of all include your children in plans if they old enough. Talk to them about the possibilities. They can go here with you and go there with your former spouse. What is the best arrangement for them?

Approach this conversation calmly. Your children’s first effort will be to try to say what they think you want to hear. Assure them that their preferences and opinion matter and you will do everything to make their wishes possible.

Take the opportunity to make it more than a question and answer chat. Too often in our busy lives, a family discussion can get rushed. The first for everything after a divorce is always the most difficult so you want to get it right. It will get easier.

But the most effective step is to ensure everyone knows the plans or possibilities and that they know them well in advance for these first post-divorce holiday plans.

Divorce creates an element of uncertainty in a child’s life. They have probably entertained the notion they are somehow to blame for the divorce. The last thing they need right now is uncertainty for what should be some fun planning a holiday.

Communicate with your X what your preferences are but be open to negotiation within reason. You set the tone.  Make sure that whatever is planned is fair and equitable for both sides. It may mean that the equity is not possible during the summer holiday for a variety of reasons that can’t be changed- work holidays being an example.

So an alternate plan or rebalancing can happen at the next school holiday. Negotiate, compromise and let your children see that you and your former spouse can make decisions for the greater good of the family even after a divorce. Explain these negotiations to your children so they understand there will be a give and take.

The more that you and your X endeavour to work together without any arguing, the greater the chance that the holidays will go smoothly for everyone. Children of divorce do not need more worry arranging summer holidays.

Once arrangements have been finalized then you can begin to organize what you will do while your children are away.

This is the time to be good to yourself. Divorce is traumatic. You have probably expended an enormous amount of energy adjusting to the new circumstances after the divorce. So plan something special for yourself- whatever the budget allows. If it means a holiday with friends then enjoy it. If it means a staycation and local museums and fairs then enjoy that too.

One of my great joys in life is traveling alone. I have met the most interesting people because I am not with anyone who absorbs my attention. I am free to talk to the person beside me on the plane or the people beside me at the picnic table in the park. Being on your own opens up a whole new field of possibilities.

It’s a new life with many new challenges. View it as a time with many new opportunities as well. If you are in control of your own life then your children will be able to breathe out and enjoy life too.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

We were married for 17 years and have two children. Our daughter is a teen and our son is a few years younger. My son is sullen and withdrawn. My daughter spends her days furious with me and yet I didn’t cause the marriage breakup. I feel completely lost and alone. I never thought our marriage would end. We patched things up a few years ago when he was unfaithful but I can’t do it again. My daughter thinks I should forgive and forget. I beat myself up for trusting him again so how could I forget that? I feel anger from all sides. I love my children. My daughter is furious with me and my son just says nothing. I never thought I would be the target for such anger from my daughter. I am doing the best I can and feel so helpless. On top of it I am waging a text message war with both her and my soon to be X husband which is gutting me. I want my kids to love me. How do I get through this time?

Deep breath. You are in the midst of a tornado of emotion. Remember that this is one moment in time. You will get through this and things will get better. Right now everyone including you is raw with pain.

Anger is the very first stage of grief. Your daughter has many emotions swirling inside her. Although we might not realize, children often feel guilt over the end of a marriage. They try to make sense of it by blaming themselves. If only they had done better at something then this all might not have happened.

Her anger is for the most part internal. Her family is falling apart and she is feeling an incredible loss of control in the midst of it. You are also closest at hand.

She feels shame over it as well. Shame for her family being torn apart.

To begin, arguments take two. My advice is cut out the nasty text messaging straight away. No situation is ever improved by hate texts.  These are all words hurled in anger.

You can even advise your daughter and your husband you will no longer argue via text. Use the messaging system for logistics of family life and keep it at that. The anonymity of texting increases the likelihood of words sent that might not be said otherwise.

Diffusing the texting will help to lower the family temperature a bit too.

Take a break from it all for a bit. In the early stages of separation it seems every day is consumed with talking about ‘it’ –the marriage breakdown. Give your head a rest on occasion. Go for a walk, take your daughter to a yoga class, take your son to a favourite place just the two of you- do whatever it takes for just of few moments of mental reprieve from the tension.

A little mental refreshment will give you a much greater chance of talking levelly and coherently with your daughter about the issue. We have all overshared with our children so be mindful of that as you talk to her.

Read her body language when you talk. Doe she fold her arms, step back and generally give you the impression she is putting up a barrier or are you seeing a softening of her position?

In those first few weeks and months of the marriage ending, it will seem like forever. It isn’t. It is a detour in your road of life. You will find the way forward.

Staying calm as much is humanly possible, staying healthy with some physical activity and looking after yourself in whatever way is meaningful to you will all help get you to a brighter tomorrow. It will also help you achieve some mental stamina to cope with your daughter’s anger.

Think of ways you can start some new traditions just the three of you. It may be movies and popcorn at home or a weekend somewhere everyone likes. This is a subliminal message that life will go on in the new family configuration.

Most of all tell your children you love them at every opportunity and hug them every chance you get. You can never love your children too much. Everyone is feeling confused right now. As you gain control so will they.

Whatever it is that you need help, advice or support  with contact Linda at letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk.  We will never print your name nor email, nor add you to any mailing list.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Emotional abuse is a difficult form of abuse to detect so how do you know when it’s taking place?

Linda shares her experience of an emotionally abusive marriage.  “It start insidiously with a withdrawal of affection and even a hug feels foreign,” she explains.  The warmth isn’t there and it slowly starts to escalate.

This can be followed by criticisms about what you do, how you are etc and this can be so gradual until you get to a point where you start to doubt yourself. You start to think that there’s something wrong with you and what they are doing is attacking your vulnerability.

Scroll down and listen to Linda talk about emotionally abusive relationships.

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I have never been happier. He left a year ago. At first I was gutted but then with each day of freedom and independence I felt better. Not having to worry about someone’s moods, or piles of dirty clothes or their lies. I don’t miss any of it. I love being on my own and feel like I may never marry again. Is this normal?

It is perfectly normal and many discover, just like you, that being married is not for them. At least marriage with the person who left is not for them.

For many of us there is no empty space. We don’t see an empty chair and quite enjoy sprawling out over the whole bed. This is an attitude or choice we make to not let the person who left leave a space in our lives. It gets filled up with conviction and plans for a new life ahead.

After that initial shock wears off we discover we really like this new life. Certainly don’t feel guilty for these feelings. Many would envy you who feel trapped in the aftermath of divorce and have not found the way forward.

For those that can’t move forward as you have done, it is giving power to the person that left. They don’t deserve that power because it allows them to diminish your new life. What you have done is chosen to not let his choices affect your attitude.

Why would we miss someone who does not want to be with us?

Many people spend enormous amounts of time immersed in a sadness for the leaving partner. They left because they did not want a life together.

Rejection is difficult but getting to a place of acceptance that the person who left is gone and wanted to be gone is the goal. It also begs the question –why did we invest emotionally in them in the first place?

Remember the old saying ” we want to get better, not bitter’ and clearly you have done that.

Being where you are emotionally means your conversations will not be about him but about you, your hopes and dreams and future.

It is also important to be comfortable with being single as you clearly are. Head held high is the key. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely because someone left who did not want to be with us gives them too much power over our new life.

Why suffer when we can choose to be content and confident? That is perhaps the best outcome because your attitude and ability to live as you do is a clear statement to your world.  Although you may not have been the reason for the breakup, it happened and you have fully embraced this future you were handed.

Many people with happy healthy relationships do not live together. You may find a future like that someday but for now enjoy this feeling of freedom and personal control.

One thing every divorced person learns is what we don’t want in a new relationship.

We can look at all the negatives of the former partner’s personality and character and make a much better choice next time around. It sounds like your life is filled with many possibilities and your future will be whatever you choose it to be.

Bravo!

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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

He said he would never and he did. He said he would never be unfaithful and he was. He said when we separated he would be reasonable about settling the terms of our separation given what he did and he is not. He is arguing ever single point in our separation agreement. My legal bills are climbing by the day. Why is he treating me this way?

First to consider, can you take a break from negotiations for a time, a month or so, to give yourself a chance to regroup emotionally?

It is an unfortunate truth that, for many partners who cause a marriage breakup, the guilt is short lived. There are so many reasons for a guilty former spouse changing into a cruel, heartless one. And there are many that can relate to your dilemma.

It may be the leaving partner is on to their new life and wants to forget their old life. It may be the partner is being influenced by others in their new life. People take sides and what your former spouse wants most of all right now is justification for his choices and behaviour.

There are any number of people in his new life willing to give him that, is my guess. They are also probably very willing to allow him to rewrite history a bit to satisfy his neediness.

Fortified with that type of support, he is able to challenge you at every turn.

However, separation is a legal issue. Keep your eye on the goal of having a fair and equitable separation agreement and divorce.

You need to rise above his lack of guilt and be very clear about what you want. Your legal adviser can help you navigate the paper trail to separation. As much as is humanly possible, don’t engage in his hysteria. He’s looking for a reaction from you- a “there I told you so’ excuse for his behaviour.

They often paint us as ‘crazy’, planting suggestions to others like ‘you don’t really know her’ with raised eyebrows without giving any indication of how they are behaving or what they really have done before the marriage ended. When the guilt goes so does any semblance of consideration for you and all you have been to him in the marriage. There are so many of us that had to endure the insult but be assured, you can and will get through it.

You cannot change where he is at emotionally. All you can do is focus on keeping calm in the midst of the chaos. If you cannot take a break from negotiations then take care of yourself.

Find the time and space needed to keep yourself on an even keel. Spend time to ensure you are in control of your emotions. That will enable you to make all the decisions that need to be made.

Muster what it takes to be clear and matter of fact in your dealings. It takes two to argue. Don’t rise to his bait and spend money on petty arguments.  However, don’t give in to any of his demands that are not acceptable. With your legal counsel maintain a steady forward movement in negotiations. Talk to your lawyer about possible ways to optimize the legal process. Be forthright about the mounting costs and look for ways to reduce expenses.

Be patient because there is ‘regular time and there is legal time.’ For whatever reasons part of the legal process is to drag on proceedings, not answer letters and miss deadlines. Push for every effective way to keep the momentum and get the issues resolved.

Good legal advice and a level head will get you to your future.

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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON