Letters to Linda

He wants out before Christmas. No compromising, he wants to be moved out before Christmas. I just found out and nobody knows. Our kids are 12 and 14 and have no idea this is about to happen. The lockdown has put a lot of pressure on us as a family. It was not anything I thought could not be handled. It turns out this has proven to him that this family is all wrong for him and we are all wrong for each other. I am in shock. The kids know something is up, but I have not had the heart to tell them. How do I get through these next few months and beyond?

First things first, you must take care of yourself. Find space somewhere, on a walk, or yoga class, or even just a few minutes alone whenever and wherever you can. Keeping yourself centered is especially important. That is first and foremost the next step for you. You will have enormous emotional demands over the next months and nurturing your well-being will help you cope.

You have not mentioned any reason other than his life does not fit with the family. This lockdown has been extremely hard on the mental health of many people. Does he have other pressures that are affecting his life like job insecurity? Since the announcement was made, has he wavered in his decision in any way?

Answering those questions will help you decide how to proceed.

If he has not wavered then you need to start to plan for his move. The children need to be told and they need to be told by both of you together. He needs to explain his decision to them in a measured message with everyone present so that his plan is truly clear. There will be time for them to talk to both of you individually but when a momentous family life change is just ahead, every family member needs to be considered.

It will be sad, but it will also begin a new chapter in your family life. Your kids will have lots of questions. One of the most common reactions by children is thinking it is their fault. They need assurance that it is not their fault. Even if your husband is saying family life does not work for him, that is a personal choice he has made.

Talk to your husband before the children and plan a strategy for how to tell them. The message needs to be clear and try to stick to the facts. As their parents, you know your children best and together should be able to consider the best way to approach this discussion with them.

They will have lots of questions. Answer them honestly, even if the answer is ‘I don’t know right now.”

The next few weeks will be incredibly stressful for everyone. There will be arguments, and there will be tears. In any argument, the best strategy is focusing on the problem. That means that personal criticisms are not helpful. By focusing on a solution to the problem, you are channeling your energy in a positive way.

Your kids will be angry too. They will have a certain sense of helplessness as they see the family life they have known taken apart. Give them the time and space to grieve for what is being lost.

You are preparing for a very new life. Think about what your choices will be. The most immediate is what to do about Christmas. Will you celebrate it all together? Your kids will most likely want to be a part of the decision and offer their opinion so be sure to ask them.

We are limited in our choices with travel restrictions but there are a few things you can do. Make a list together of all the options and then decide.

There will be disappointment and fear about the future for everyone in the family. Your husband has made a huge decision during exceedingly difficult times. You cannot make any guarantees about what will happen, but you can be honest and sincere with your children and let them know how much they matter in your life. Letting them be a part of the process shows you respect their feelings. Focus on the immediate future and less on the long term for now.

If each family member feels they have some personal power and a voice, it increases the possibility that the best decisions for the whole family will be made.

For a complimentary divorce coaching session with Linda contact The Divorce Magazine UK.

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I am in isolation with my husband. I know the marriage is over. It has been for a few years. He doesn’t seem to be aware. Life has just continued on our parallel paths and now we are stuck. The kids are soon going to be leaving home for university when life gets back to normal. The thought of just the two of us when we are on our own scares me. I can’t leave now but I want to leave.

Perhaps the most compelling part of your letter is that you knew before you were in isolation with your husband that the marriage was over. This isn’t something that the stress in our world has brought on but has been on your mind for some time.

However, we are living very strange times right now and all our emotions are being tested. Given those terms, it is not the best time to make major life decisions.

Your family is no doubt feeling the stress in the world and everything is quite confusing because there are so many unknowns. We don’t know what will happen as restrictions are lifted. Your children need a least some semblance of stability. Ending a marriage affects everyone in the family.

With so many restrictions in place, even trying to sort through a separation and work out an arrangement for your children would add more stress. You’ve made it this far, so maybe it is best to take this time to plan.

What you can be doing is considering how life will look for your family when you do separate. Your children are older so would you share custody or have a less restrictive and more fluid arrangement. Would you do family times together or do you see life as being a clear split from your husband with relatively little contact.

You have the advantage of considering this future for awhile so some of the emotion has already been invested in the idea. However, your husband, as you say, is really carrying on like there is no problem. He could be oblivious, or he could not want to see reality. You will only know when you open a conversation with him.

My guess would be it is a bit of both on his part. Many partners cling to a hope it is a marital phase and you will get to the other side of it if they sense a distancing or change in the relationship.

When do you see the right time to open the conversation? How will you begin to say what needs to be said? Do you have the reasons for your feelings well sorted in your own mind? Can you say to him exactly why you feel the marriage is over? Can you give examples? A clear explanation will be very helpful in what will be a very emotional conversation.

Even with all of your thoughts in place, he may be very reluctant to see your side. If you are met with resentment how will you proceed?

Do you have a living arrangement that will work for you if you move out? Or do you want him to move out? If he moves out, consider that this will be a whole new idea in his life and he will need some time to consider his options.

I offer all of these questions because separating and leaving a marriage is not easy. It requires many decisions and some of them will not be agreeable.

The better organized you are will increase your chances of a smoother transition from marriage to separation. As difficult as it may seem, separating the emotion out of it whenever possible and just using practical decision -making will be very helpful.

Even older children find it very difficult to see their parent’s marriage end so your children will need time to consider the new family. Be patient with them because they are in an emotional time with their age and stage of life and with the world in its present turmoil.

You seem to be quite committed to your decision. It is very important to believe in yourself and your plan for your future. Other will try to discourage you, probably blaming it on the state of the world.  Even though it is your right to make a decision like this, be prepared for reactions from family and friends that may surprise you.

You can begin by answering the previous questions which should help you clarify your thoughts and reasons for leaving. The next step is to decide on a leaving plan.

You will know when the time is right or when you have reached the point of no return. Keep a journal and believe in yourself.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

Main feature image -Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

I can’t forgive him. I refuse to forgive him. Everyone says to forgive and forget well I think that is impossible. He was cruel, he hurt our kids, he hurt me and he walked away from it all without so much as a backward glance. Why does everyone always talk about forgiveness like it is the place to get to after a divorce? What if you can’t forgive?

First of all, you are only responsible for yourself and your own healing.

Focusing on forgiving him is giving your former spouse continued power over you. It is important to remember that forgiveness takes many forms and the goal -for you- is to get to a place where the divorce is comfortably tucked away in your memory.

Perhaps the most important aspect of forgiveness is that we -first and foremost- need to forgive ourselves. You chose to marry him and have children and because of those choices you and your children were exposed to his cruelty.

Let’s start there. I am sure like most everyone, you married in good faith believing in this person. You believed he would be a good husband and you believed he would be a good father. You did this because we all go into marriage trusting in an unknown future together.

As many divorced people have found, reality can often upend that belief system and we question ourselves. We all wonder how things turned out the way they do in a divorce.

It is worth it to take a moment and consider that anger drives a lot of cruelty-lashing out because of inner pain. For whatever reasons, your former spouse chose to behave the way he did. He must take responsibility because it was his choice to be cruel to you and your children.

Maybe all you can do is forgive yourself for marrying him and exposing your children –who didn’t ask to be born – to that cruelty.

Also, consider the effect of time in every situation. As your life becomes less about your divorce and more about your new life and the future you will find that the pressure to forgive him will ease.

Time will help you shape a more realistic perspective of the marriage and its demise. You are still hurting and that clouds your judgment.

To live a fulfilling future all you really need to do is be comfortable with your decisions. Take a step back from this expectation of forgiving him and consider what your own form of forgiveness might look like because this is not about him. This is about you and your peace of mind. Where do you need to be emotionally to find that peace?

What happens over the next few years might also impact your feelings about forgiveness. Your former spouse might feel remorse and offer a very sincere apology.

Or he might feel no remorse at all and not see any problem with what he did. You do not have any control over what he does. Accept it and make decisions about forgiveness based on your own needs.

 Knowledge is power and once the emotion of the divorce abates a bit, your thinking will clear, and you will also feel the positive effects of emotional distance.  You might not feel such extreme emotion in 2 years or 5 years as your life moves forward and you have new experiences. However, you might still feel you can’t forgive him.

The most important aspect of whatever you decide – be comfortable and content with the decision. Beyond that, say little and think even less about forgiving him and concentrate on creating a positive future for you and your family.

Reclaim your personal power. Everyone is on their own timeline to heal. But spending emotional energy on whether you can forgive him or not gives him continued power over you. Take control of your decision that for right now you cannot forgive, accept it and move on.

Make the future about you and your children and the happiness you create together.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My best friend is having an affair with my stepson. I can’t believe this is happening. I am married to a man 17 years older than me and his children are adults. She has been involved with him for several months now. Her husband is a very good friend of mine too. I am devastated, confused, and furious with her. She hasn’t told her husband but wants to leave him and move in with my stepson and they are even talking about getting married. It’s such a mess.

You are feeling betrayal at several levels in this situation.

Amidst all this emotion you are no doubt grappling with the odd possibility of having your best friend become your stepdaughter in law someday.

However, remember a whole lot of things must happen before any future marriage could become a reality. This needs to be taken one day at a time.

First, the biggest burden at the moment is the secrecy. I am guessing that nobody knows but you at this point. That is an enormous responsibility she has given you. It is also quite likely that people will take their anger out on you for keeping the secret from them if the truth is not revealed soon.

The very first thing that needs to happen is that everyone needs to be honest about the relationship. The secrecy gives the whole affair oxygen and creates a certain excitement for your friend and stepson that is detached from reality.

Honesty is necessary to move forward. Your friend and your stepson need to tell her husband and your husband. Both conversations are going to be very stressful, but they do need to happen as soon as possible.

Listen and support by encouraging everyone to avoid any quick decisions and hasty judgments. That initial shock will be a huge hurdle for all involved. Every stage of separation and divorce is painful. The easy part, however selfish it might have been, was all the excitement of the affair.

There will be the inevitable criticism and fallout from those involved and from extended family and friends. There will be a lot of anger from many places in your life. You might find yourself drawn into the criticism because she is a friend.

Try to maintain an emotional distance. It won’t be easy because you are connected at many levels.  When you slip and get angry or say something you regret, just regroup and carry on.

Remember that none of this was your doing or your choice. These two people, your friend and your stepson, are adults and made the choices that have brought two families to this point. They need to fully accept that responsibility. Their choices are going to cause enormous pain for many people.

Be cautious with assumptions. People will surprise you- both in good and bad ways. Let the future evolve at its own pace.

You have a difficult place in all of this because of your connection to both people. It is important that you look after yourself. Attempting emotional distance, as difficult as that might sound, will help you to navigate the future.

It won’t always be possible because there will be times when emotions run high and maintaining distance is impossible. But work towards that. It will be that role as a voice of reason that will allow you to be the most helpful to everyone involved.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My Mum depends on me too much. I know she is lonely. I know she feels cheated out of a life she thought was good. But she won’t stop talking to me about it. I am really sad my parents split. But my Dad is happy. He has a new girlfriend and they include me in a lot of things. He laughs and is so different from when we all lived together. I am beginning to hate coming back home to Mum. I love her but she needs to get a life.

You are experiencing something that happens to a lot of kids when their parents split.

Often there are members of the family – like you – that feel caught between the two people they love very much.

Let’s start with your Mum. It sounds to me like she didn’t expect this to happen. So there is a certain element of shock she is experiencing right now. She is also afraid for her future for any number of reasons. She might have financial worries. She might be afraid of being alone when you leave home. She probably feels very insecure about the future.

Her self esteem has taken quit a hit and she probably harbors fears she might never find the happiness your father has found. She sees you go off with your Dad and his new girlfriend and feels envious that he can offer something she can’t.

However, you are feeling burdened by her over sharing and there are a few ways to deal with it. You can begin by exerting some control over conversations.

When she starts to tell a story you may have heard several times, very gently but firmly say, ‘Yes Mum, I know that hurts. You’ve told me this story before.” Then change the conversation topic.

Likewise if the topic becomes too personal, you say gently but firmly, ” Honestly Mum , I feel uncomfortable with this topic. Let’s talk about ..then pick something that interests you both.

It is also helpful to be honest with your Dad. If he asks about your Mum, be honest. Tell him she is having some challenges. This is not said to make him feel guilty but to perhaps spread a bit of empathy. You don’t need to overshare but you don’t need to pretend either.

It is a lot to feel your Mum relies on you and there are a few proactive things you can do. You know your Mum’s interests. Look around the area to see where she might begin to get involved with others. Drop some hints.

If you feel comfortable talking to one of her good friends, then do so. Enlist their help. Perhaps between the two of you there is a plan to encourage some new activities in your Mum’s life.

You do not have to be your Mum’s counselor, but you can be her coach. As a coach you shift the focus from talking about the past to planning the future, which is much more fun.  Remember that as a coach, your Mum may need encouragement to take those baby steps into a new life. It also gives you a topic when you want to change the conversation channel.

Don’t overwhelm her with options. Pick one or two things that you know will be of interest.  Offer to either participate with her initially or ask one of her friends to go with her.

It is that first big step that is the hardest. Once your Mum starts doing things for herself, she will begin to develop some independence. It will also build her self-confidence.

Divorce is a shattering experience. Everyone in the family experiences the divorce in a different way. Your Mum needs to see and believe in a future. With love, support, and encouragement she can do that.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

I am really struggling!  I have come to hate and resent my ex-husband so much that it is causing me to behave in a way that I never thought I would.  I see myself driving a wedge between him and the children but I just cannot seem to be able to stop myself! I just want him to go away and leave us alone.  He was the one who broke up the family and for him to think that he can have his cake and eat it by having a wonderful time with the children after all he has done to us is killing me and part of me just wants him to suffer.

You are experiencing what many if not most people feel after a divorce.

The hurt and anger fills us up with a rage for the other person. We want them to hurt. We don’t think they hurt and maybe they don’t. But we do not have any control over what they feel, only our own emotions.

Your children did not experience the divorce in the same way. From their perspective, they lost a family unit. Given that they appear to have a good relationship now with your former spouse, it is probably safe to assume he was a decent father. Or there may be other reasons. For right now, your children want a relationship with him.

In this instance you need to rise above your own personal feelings and let your children have this time with their father. There may come a day when they see their father differently. But for now they are happy to spend time with him.

Most people who have ever experienced a divorce have known the rage and anger you are feeling.

However, they would probably say it felt much better to get beyond it. It feels like such an enormous personal injustice to see your children having fun with him and wanting to spend time with him. But it is very important for them to do that. He is their father. You need to get to a state of acceptance for what has happened and for the family life in its present form.

The hurt and anger we feel comes from our personal sense of loss. Beginning right now, it is important to create a new life for yourself. Spend the time they are with him healing yourself. There are many ways to channel the rage in other more positive ways.

First and foremost would be to start journaling your road to the future. There’s an assortment of journaling books available. Get one that appeals to you and the pen you prefer. A journal never gets tired of hearing about your pain and anger. As time goes by, it will also present a very vivid picture of your healing in its pages.

Do you have any type of exercise regime? Even walking is a great start if you don’t. Check your local area for exercise classes. There are usually some and for a nominal fee you have a new activity and will meet new people. Healing ourselves involves our physical well-being as well as our emotional health.

Books saved me in many ways. The bookstores are crammed with self-help books. Spend some time browsing through them. Check out your local library too. When you are there look for what types of workshops and groups are offered. There might be something that interests you.

Meeting new people in a group environment is an excellent way to forge new friendships. You will begin to have a life that does not have a connection to the past. The loss you felt begins to fill up with new possibilities. These new friends, not connected to your past, give you the opportunity to practice talking about anything but your divorce or your former spouse.

Anger serves a purpose in the initial stage after a divorce. It gives us an emotional impetus. But if it lingers too long it hinders our future. It takes an enormous amount of energy to be consumed with rage- that energy would be better spent on new activities.

You want the world to know you are better not bitter. Make some good personal choices, get some good books, and meet some new people. With each step forward you will feel the anger dissipate. Your children will notice the new you and that will make them very happy.

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

My X husband was much older than me and now he is very sick. It was a messy divorce as most usually are and his siblings were very harsh toward me. I made mistakes but so did he and nobody knows but us what really happened. We have not been in contact for many years. I never had any children with him. I don’t know what I should do. I feel I want to help in some way but I am not sure how to proceed.

Divorce has a way of changing our own lives forever. It is a part of who we are.  Distance often mellows any of the negative feelings we once felt. Whatever happened between the two of you was obviously private enough that others were not aware.

Where you start is with the here and now and the knowns. You would like to help in some way. There are many ways to help someone who is facing the end of life.

It might be best to start by contacting a family member or someone you know is a close friend. Was there one friend or member of the family you think might be receptive? If so, write to that person.

Reach out to them either through an actual written letter or email. Be honest and truthful. Face the mistakes that were made and accept responsibility for the ones you made. Keep to a minimum anything written about the past. Old wounds do not need to be opened.

Deal with the present. Consider what you are prepared to do and set out options from direct contact to paying for some caregiver help. End the note by asking them what they think might be useful.

From your message, it is quite apparent that even though the marriage ended, you still care about his wellbeing or you would not be asking how to help.

Your goal is to find possible ways you can make a difference in his life right now. In your letter outline these options. If things go well, your level of involvement might increase. You could visit if the family allows. If he is in an institution remember to be helpful and not critical of his circumstances. Families are always under enormous stress caring for a family member.

If visiting is not an option then consider what else you can do. Caregiving is expensive for any family. Perhaps there is a way you can pay for some of it or arrange a regular caregiver visit. There are many services that provide various caregiver options including friendly visits.

The message to his family is that you want to help in some way. Make sure they understand you want them to feel comfortable with whatever it is they decide you can to do.

Be prepared for the family to turn down your offer. In your note to them say you understand that might be an outcome and you were aware of it when you decided to reach out.

If you approach your X husband’s family in a very non-confrontational way, it increases the chance of a positive reply. It may take a while as family members discuss your offer. Don’t badger them during this time. Everyone is on their own timeline and they are consumed with his care right now.

However, considering he is very ill, time is limited so you could ask for a decision within a few weeks. Remember to include preferred contact information.

Sincerity, openness, honesty are all key to breaking down the barriers that exist. If the family senses those values in your letter to them then there is a greater chance of a positive outcome. Good Luck!

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

MORE LETTERS TO LINDA 

Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

The holidays are over and my kids and grandkids have left. And again my ex-wife- their mother -disappointed them. She sent gifts and cards but made no effort to speak to them or make any time for them over the holiday. Maybe she thinks because our kids are grown they don’t need her. But she is missing so much with our kids’ lives, watching her grandchildren grow up, and she doesn’t seem to care. I am just sounding off because it has been this way for years and never changes.

I know from first- hand experience exactly how you are feeling. Frustration and anger bubbling up and all the while trying not to let it affect the family holiday.

You have every reason to feel the way you do. However, you are not alone in seeing your former spouse seemingly abandon her family. After a divorce many parents abandon their adult children. There are many reasons.

They have a new life elsewhere and feel their children don’t need them anymore. They might have said they are done with parenting, and want this time of life to be solely about themselves. They might be embarrassed about their actions and feel they can’t face the judgement of their adult children. It might be all of the above. Whatever the reason, it is always the children that suffer by parental decisions of this nature.

It is very good to vent your frustration but any time given over to the topic during family holidays is time wasted. The absent parent is not there to defend themselves and assumptions made about reasons why they have chosen to be absent are only assumptions.

Any reference to your former spouse is usually weighted with the negative energy from the separation and divorce. There has probably been more than enough of that already. Your family holidays should be focused on the joy of being together and watching those favourite performers –grandchildren.

Sometime when it feels appropriate talk to your children on their own about how they feel. Don’t let it deteriorate into bashing the absent parent but give them the opportunity to express their feelings and frustrations. You want to get to a place of acceptance that one parent has made the choice to be absent and withdraw attention. Perhaps you can also strategize ways for them to approach their mother about the issue.

Your frustration may be expressed at an opportune time with your ex-spouse if you have any type of communication.

But don’t let your children become the go between. They have a different perspective than you do.  

If you have any communication with your former spouse, you might want to offer that she is missing very special family time. Keep the communication minimal but factual without judgement. Too often communication can devolve into former spouses reliving the previous hurt which is not helpful in finding solutions to the present problem.

There’s a whole new year ahead. Sometimes people need several opportunities and encouragement before they change behaviour.

We know that life is often not fair and that is just a fact that needs to be accepted by you and your children. She may show an interest next year and she may not. As the active parent and grandparent continue to give them the love and attention they want and deserve.

One good parent is more than enough for any family.  

If you are in need of a place to seek some advice on a way forward during separation and divorce please write to letterstolinda@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – Reaching out is the first step. 

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ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren.

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University.

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.