Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine
I recently read the above title somewhere cannot recall where. It was a piece on divorce and children and the effects of divorce on children.
I have to say that the title did upset me somewhat because I’m so tired of hearing how divorce almost definitely messes children up. I know it can mess children up, I write about it and work in that whole area, but I am here to say that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to end up with broken children.
The way I look at it is that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to bring about everlasting damage to children. Yes, I know it can but it doesn’t have to. As I often say, the divorce is not the point to focus on it’s how it’s handled.
To those people who are totally convinced that it can do so much harm that they would rather stay in an unhappy, abusive relationship than put their children through the experience of divorce with the possible end result of them having a more peaceful existence please do think again.
I am not advocating for divorce and I am not here to encourage you to end your relationship. I am here to ask, if your situation is unbearable to you , imagine what it is like for your little ones.
To this day my two exes and I are good friends. Our children see each other and celebrate birthdays and have sleepovers together. They know each other and we, the adults, respect each other.
The divorce process with my first marriage was hard and acrimonious but despite what we felt for one another be it anger, hate or sheer resentment, our daughter stayed our focus.
We would still attend school functions together and communicate anything to do with school and extra-curricular activities.
Yes, the divorce was hard on her but it was handled in a way where the “could-have-been” permanent repercussions were either eliminated or eased by the way we handled the whole process between us.
So yes, divorce can bring on broken children but broken homes can also be found in places where there is one home where everyone lives under the same roof.
You can have two very happy intact homes for the children to return to time and time again or you can have one very unhappy home that the children dread living in.
Divorce, if handled properly and with the children in mind doesn’t have to mean broken children.
That has been my experience (twice). What has yours been?
About Soila
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Great article and I would reiterate the importance of divorcing parents working through their divorce, remembering their children are the primary concern.
Thanks Divorce Goddess. We get so caught up in the pain we are going through and the resentment and anger that we feel, that it at times totally blinds us to what is going on with our children. When we great support, it can make the journey easier to travel on and focusing on the children easier to do.