Susan Leigh

being friends with your ex

Being Friends with your Ex – Is it Possible?

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

Often after a breakup there’s considerable hurt and disappointment to process as well as the many practical considerations that require attention.

Some people say they feel a failure; they never envisaged that their relationship would end in divorce. They may feel partly to blame or that they are letting down family, friends.

In addition it may be a massive struggle to come to terms with the various upsetting things that have been said and done.

Time often eases the hurt, enables the rawness to subside, and eventually some people do succeed in having an amiable enough relationship with their ex. This is especially important if children are part of the equation.

 

With that in mind let’s look at some ways you could start being friends with your ex again:

It may have been that a couple initially got together when they were young and didn’t know what they wanted or fully appreciate what was expected from a long-term relationship. Then there may have been massive readjustment at leaving work to become a stay-at-home parent or juggling the responsibilities of becoming the major breadwinner. This can be overwhelming and introduce unexpected, ongoing stress and pressure into a relationship.

  • Relationship counselling can be helpful in managing the negative emotions, conflict and potential breakup of a relationship. Two people are often in very different places emotionally, especially when a relationship is falling apart. It may be that one person perceives the other as being unreasonable or over-reactive. Relationship counselling can help both parties listen, appreciate and understand each other’s point of view.

Counselling can help improve communications by providing a neutral, safe, supportive environment. Some people have even been known to reconcile as a direct consequence of their improved understanding of each other through relationship counselling.

  • If that’s not going to happen then successfully managing a breakup and staying friends with your ex can include addressing your own ‘demons’. Learning from what went wrong is an important part of the healing process. If one part of a couple comes from a difficult background where they, for example, witnessed an acrimonious divorce or experienced harsh treatment like bullying, abuse or betrayal, they may be especially sensitive to any hint of rejection or feeling disrespected. Their partner may not understand why they are so sensitive or defensive.

Personal counselling can be an important part of your individual recovery and help you avoid repeating negative patterns in any future relationships.

  • Collaborative law is often regarded as the humane way to divorce, but both parties have to be committed to the process. Sitting around a table with various experts, financial advisers, counsellors and lawyers can enable proceedings to work smoothly and avoid the need for expensive or contentious court hearings. Both parties have to agree to each stage of the process and it works by treating them both with a ‘we don’t want to be together but let’s separate with mutual respect and dignity’ approach. Collaborative divorce supports future communication and co-operation, especially when children are involved.
  • It’s important not to forget that your ex probably knows you better than anyone else. They know, or certainly knew about your day-to-day fears, issues, concerns and have shared and hopefully supported you throughout those times. You used to love each other, laugh together, share your hopes and dreams, were made to feel special; you planned on being together forever. When a split occurs it means the end of that intimate day-to-day relationship, but reflecting on elements of your shared history and connectivity may be possible and enable you to remain friends, if not lovers.
  • It’s not uncommon to find some couples who actually get on better after their divorce. The day-to-day arguments, niggles and irritations have been removed as they resume being two separate, independent individuals. Some people even find that they rediscover their original attraction once the pressure of living together has been relieved. Their familiar shared history and connection can be a powerful magnet. After understanding and talking through the underlying reasons for the split it may be possible to start again and build a stronger relationship than before. It’s important though to take time to reflect, discuss and address what went wrong.

Time apart can enable both of you to become independent and clearer about what’s right for you, what you need and don’t need from a relationship. These insights may support you becoming friends again, perhaps on a different, more relevant footing for the future.

 

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit www.lifestyletherapy.net

 

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Get back on your feet

The Best Way to Get Back On Your Feet After Divorce

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

How do some people manage to bounce back after their divorce?

One reason may be that they have had time to get used to the idea, they perhaps even instigated proceedings, knew where they would be going, what they would be doing next.

Some people though, do seem better equipped to cope with negative experiences. How do they do that? Are they doing something differently?

What is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce?

– Consider your perspective on life.

Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

– Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed; there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all, you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment, rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

– Value what you have in life.

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

Before they divorce many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy. They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone.

After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

– Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. Start small, making new friends, learning how to manage on your own.

In many relationships some jobs are yours, some your partner’s. Praise yourself when you make that difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

– Surround yourself with positive people and things. Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people, with people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along

get back on your feet
Surround yourself with positive people and things

occasionally if they suspect you need it.

– Find time for reflective interests. Learn to use your free time well.

If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively; maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside. Yes, catch up on chores but commit some time to yourself as well.

– Spend time on your home. After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cozy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about you home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in, to be comfortable about returning to.

– Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to.  Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organize trips with friends or colleagues.

– Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands. Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

– Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone. Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Use your divorce as an opportunity, a new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself. There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Divorce Recovery and Starting Out on Your Own Again

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Whether or not we’re in agreement with the divorce starting out on our own again can be tough.

We may have become immune to the situation at home, the long periods of silence, the bickering, the disappearing acts and even though the eventual split often comes as a relief it can still be distressing.

Divorce recovery or starting out on our own often causes significant upheaval. It can require finding a new home, adapting our existing home, reorganising our finances, sourcing a job, arranging childcare.

Many things may need to be dealt with at a time when we’re already feeling quite low.

Here are a few tips to help if in your journey through divorce recovery and when you’re starting out on your own again:

  • Introduce your personality, some personal touches and put your mark on your home. Even if you’re renting or sharing with friends be sure you have somewhere you can call your own. Introduce colour, pictures, bright fabrics so that you have your own oasis of peace and calm. These things don’t need to cost a lot of money; throws, cushions, lovely textures and scented candles can be sourced at local markets and thrift stores but can add important touches of cosy comfort.

 

  • If you’re remaining in the family home consider rearranging the furniture, altering your bedroom so that the place has a rather different feel. You may have let some possessions go due to the divorce settlement so use this as an opportunity to change things around and add your own flair and personal style. If you’re moving with children try to include them in the process by letting them discuss some of the decisions that affect them.

 

  • There may be times when you find yourself on your own, lonely and wondering what to do. It may be tempting to bury yourself in work, domestic chores or hibernate at home for a while, but try to introduce good habits from the start. Invite friends to your place so that it starts to feel more homely. Friends will be happy to help out and contribute food or a bottle of wine if that’s a consideration for you. Have a pamper evening on your own with a pleasant supper, a leisurely bath or
    time with a film or a good book. Plan to enjoy your alone times.
divorce recovery
For divorce recovery – Plan to enjoy your alone times.

 

  • You may find that you have a lot more responsibility now that you’re on your own. If you have children ask them to start helping a little. Even young children can help a little with chores, setting the table, tidying up and it can be important for them to feel that they’re contributing to the new family dynamic.

 

  • Provide children with regular opportunities to talk. Let them know that it’s okay to contact their absent parent whenever they wish and provide times when you’re available to listen, answer any questions they may have and provide reassurance. Grandparents can be a valuable resource at these times, often able to provide children with loving support, wisdom, and plenty of time.

 

  • You may need to make an effort to bring new friends of either gender or new interests into your life. Consider the value of going to places on a regular basis.  Walking the dog, going to the gym, attending a weekly class, even shopping at the supermarket may provide opportunities for you to smile as you recognise regular faces, then gradually say hello, begin a conversation and perhaps agree to meet for coffee.

 

  • Accept invitations that you know are safe. Even unlikely invitations can open new doors for you and introduce you to people and activities you may not have previously thought about. If you have to consider childcare make the effort to befriend other parents so that you can share the responsibility and alternate lifts, sleepovers and after school care.

 

  • Be gentle with yourself. There may well be times, even when you’re with family or friends, that you feel lonely and alone. Avoid the temptation to make rash, hasty decisions and bide your time, letting yourself grieve, heal and work through your issues. Some people find that therapy can offer valuable support at this time, enabling lessons to be learned from the breakup, but whatever you decide to do, take your time, be gentle with yourself and begin to look forward to starting out on
    your own again.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Unhealthy Relationships. Are you in One?

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

There are often many factors that influence why we start a relationship and with whom and some of those factors can be quite complex, maybe to do with reasons other than love and attraction.

Equally there can be many more reasons why we continue in a relationship that we know is not right for us.

Let’s reflect on some of the reasons why our relationship may not be right:

– He or she is not free. Dating and being with someone who has serious commitments elsewhere, who is married or partnered is a definite no go area for many people.

But there are other people who, for a variety of reasons, find themselves drawn into a relationship with someone who is not free.

They may have been unaware that the person was already involved with another, may have found the attraction too compelling to resist or may have actually preferred a relationship with someone who was unavailable, someone who would make few demands, who would only be available part-time and as such provide a relationship free from the usual considerations and constraints.

Over time though the dynamics of this relationship may change as emotions become increasingly involved, as times occur when you want your partner to be with you, to be able to introduce him or her to family and friends, to share times together and to feel reassured that they feel love and affection for you in return.

There can gradually emerge a sense of frustration that your relationship isn’t right and a wish that he or she had dealt with their previous situation before embarking on a new relationship with you.

– Your partner is too busy.

Many people are finding that in order to do well, to be successful in their chosen business or career they have to commit to working longer and longer hours, may frequently be required to work away from home with little free time left to connect with family and friends, do their chores, have a little personal time as well as invest in a serious relationship.

It can feel a little lonely dating someone who is too busy to see you.

For a relationship like this to survive there has to be a negotiation, a conversation where you discover whether there is enough space for you in his or her life.

Are you important enough to your partner, do you need to become less reliant and perhaps a little more independent and cultivate other interests and friends, is the involvement with work a short-term situation that can be tolerated for the duration?

Discuss where you fit in and decide whether that’s okay for you or whether the relationship is not right for you.

– I don’t fancy him or her anymore.

Relationships evolve over time and the heady mix of sexual excitement, chemistry, attraction and love can transform into a more settled and comfortable partnership where you’re both able to relax and be yourselves as you become more familiar and close to each other in different ways.

getting a divorce
Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want you is soul destroying.

In some of those relationships people find that they have drifted apart over time.

It’s interesting how the very things that attracted us in the beginning can become a turn-off; that relaxed and laid back approach to life may start to be viewed as lazy or unambitious.

We may find that we become irritated, disinterested, perhaps even bored by them.

Relationship counselling may help to address any underlying issues and find common ground to work on towards improving your relationship’s chances of survival. But look at the reasons why you’ve stayed together if you really feel that your relationship’s not right for you.

Are you staying out of fear of the unknown, concern about the alternative, financial reasons, tradition, upsetting family or friends, fear of being alone or of not finding someone else?

Look at those reasons and decide if they are sufficiently compelling to enable you to focus on becoming more positively committed to the relationship again.

Could your relationship be retrieved through counselling and effort or is it time to move on and give each other time to recover and perhaps find someone new?

– He or she doesn’t fancy me anymore.

There are few things more soul-destroying than being in a relationship with someone whom you suspect finds you boring, tedious and who clearly doesn’t want to be with you.

You may suspect that they are staying because of the children, financial implications or guilt, but being with someone who feels that way can gradually impact on your confidence and self-esteem and make you perhaps start to behave in ways that are totally out of character for you.

Some people feel compelled to try harder and harder to win their partner’s love and affection, to please their partner but to no avail. They may become angry and bitter because they are hurt and upset at the rejection. They may start drinking more or start to take less care of themselves, all as a direct consequence of feeling hurt and discarded.

Relationship counselling may help to determine where the relationship is going, whether or not it can be healed. It can play an important role in helping both parties to move forward, either together or apart, depending on what you both want or feel is suitable as an appropriate outcome.

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Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Say What you Mean and Say It Well

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Author of “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

Sometimes it can be tempting to second-guess how others and especially our partner will react to a given situation.

This mindset can escalate if we have begun to feel uneasy about saying how we’re feeling or become apprehensive at voicing our requests. We may have hesitations or concerns as to how we will be treated if we do.

This attitude can put us at a disadvantage before we even open our mouths and cause unwarranted tension and stress in our relationship.

If we anticipate problems, setbacks and disapproval before anything has even been said, then we risk creating a false impression of the other person in our minds that can gradually translate into a hostile environment.

So, let’s look at those times when you’ve got something to say and find ways to say it well:

 – Avoid prejudging the other person’s responses and reactions as it can affect how we communicate with them.

We influence our attitude, vocabulary, tone of voice, body language when we’re feeling either positive or negative. It’s doing the other person a disservice if we assume how they are going to think, feel, or reply to us, especially if we’re anticipating that they’re going to be critical, negative or judgemental in tone.

– Ask for what you want, but phrase it positively.

Saying ‘I don’t suppose’ or ‘there’s no point in me asking’, ‘you won’t like this, but’ is setting the scene for failure.

Many of my clients are incredulous when I repeat back to them phrases and expressions that they have used. They don’t appreciate the way that they communicate, how they come across to others, what it reveals about their thinking. When we regularly think in either a positive or a negative way it becomes a habit; if we automatically expect to fail or be rejected then that becomes the scene.

– Seed in advance for success and a positive outcome.

This simply means dropping little hints into the conversation before the main request is made. Subtlety is the key. So referring to something that you want to receive/achieve/expect to happen or be allowed to do in a positive way sews the seed and prepares the way in advance so that the other person is primed.

– Present yourself in a positive way.

This includes words, body language, tone of voice. By nodding, smiling, reinforcing all the positive benefits you boost your message.

Pause when you speak, let your words take effect, don’t rush as that can signal panic, urgency or a lack of confidence and belief in what you are saying. Speaking slower indicates that you are feeling calm, in control, happy to take your time because you’re feeling positive.

– Be aware of any potential areas of controversy or concern and be prepared to acknowledge the other person’s point of view.

Anticipate any points that may be subject to question or debate and have positive answers readily thought through. Be respectful of differences of opinion, give them due consideration before you give your reply. By doing this you demonstrate good manners and show an appreciation of the other person’s concerns.

– Be prepared to give ground on the things that are unimportant to you.

Every good negotiation includes areas of compromise. If, for example, a young person wanted to go to a party they could compromise by agreeing to be dropped off or picked up at a certain time. This could mean that they get a lift there or back, are allowed to go to the party and their parents feel relieved that they know where their child is and that they are travelling safely.

– Letting the other person claim credit for good ideas can sometimes be a useful negotiation tactic.

Steering a discussion around to your point of view, interspersing clever ideas, hints or clues can sometimes result in them being adopted and suggested by the other person as if they’d thought of them. You get what you want and they feel good about their inspired suggestion. Win/win all round by being generous.

Being clear about your wishes and projecting yourself in a positive way demonstrates confidence in yourself and what you feel. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and feel good about your decisions everyone around you benefits.

By being calm and assertive we overcome objections, sometimes in advance of them being raised. We clarify our thoughts, overcome negative thinking and present ourselves as valuable, deserving and positive.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is the author “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

She is also a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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families going through divorce

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part II

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Susan Leigh www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Click here for Part I of Susan’s article on Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers.

  •  Deciding to tell the children together enables the children to see their parents being respectful, behaving in a fair and reasonable way, trying to stay civil and manage the transition as well as possible.

It allows an opportunity to show that they’re co-operating, providing time to answer questions, presenting a united front.

It’s important for children to see that this was a joint decision, not a matter of Dad deciding to walk away and leave them. Personal issues between parents can be minimised at this time to avoid one parent being perceived by the children in a bad light. Children rarely need to be apprised of too much detail about the split.

  • Provide stability and routine and let children know how they will be affected by any changes to their living arrangements. If possible try to keep their routine as familiar as possible as children like to feel secure and settled.

Grandparents may be able to help if they have the time and patience to add extra support, good listening skills and a safe pair of hands. Inform teachers so that they can be attentive to any changes in the children’s behaviour and provide extra understanding and support if necessary.

  • absent fathers www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukChildren need to be reassured that they are loved and will be able to see their father regularly, will be able to communicate by phone or email whenever they want or need. Hopefully father will continue to live in the vicinity, otherwise seeing the children for a quick visit, taking them to school or attending parents evenings can prove difficult.
  • New partners can be a difficult area for ex-partners and for children.

Be sensitive to the children if there is a new girlfriend on the scene. Some men choose to live on their own for a while after the divorce to give their children time to settle and become accustomed to the new domestic arrangements.

It’s best to tentatively introduce the idea of a girlfriend to the children, letting them see her occasionally, for short periods until they get used to the idea.

Children are not stupid, they often understand far more than they admit, but being respectful of them and equally demonstrating respect for their mother allows children to become more accepting of everyone’s need to move on.

Divorce is often a time of huge disruption for children.

Over time they get used to tension between their parents, come to accept arguments as normal but this in no way means that it’s ok for them.

When parents decide to divorce it is important for them to be sensitive to their children’s needs and help them come to terms with the situation.

Take time to listen to what they say, how they behave and appreciate the impact that enforced changes and upheaval have upon their young lives.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Divorced Dads

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part I

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

These days we find that many children are being raised in single parent households or in households where the father figure is not their birth parent.

No matter how sensitive and understanding the step father may be, it can still be difficult for children; questioning how or why their father had to leave them and the family home, maybe worrying that they were somehow responsible.

Divorced Dads – Children may have several concerns at this time:

  • He wants to live his own life and forget about us.  Children may feel hurt and angry, be concerned that they became too much of a burden for their dad to continue supporting them.

They often need reassurance that they were not responsible for the decision for him to leave. They need to know that it was their parent’s relationship that failed, that     it was their parent’s decision to end the arguing, bad atmosphere, indifferent or destructive relationship. Even so children may question their father’s loyalty and   think that he is being selfish in leaving them.

  • Children tend to take things personally and can feel rejected and unloved as a consequence of their father leaving.

They may suspect that there was something about them, their behaviour, a flaw of some kind that prompted their father to decide that he couldn’t stay. Surely if they had been lovable enough he would have stayed, he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to leave. They may even suspect that he was relieved to go, that he didn’t care enough to stay or that they were especially difficult or unworthy of him remaining.

  • Some children feel distressed that they weren’t asked where they would like to live, weren’t included in the arrangements about their lives.

It is often assumed that children will live with their mother, it’s often the more practical of options, but some children   have a better relationship with their father and would choose to live with him if they were allowed. Children may feel excluded, confused at what’s happening and may not fully understand or appreciate the reasoning behind certain decisions.

  • He prefers to be with someone else. Discovering that their father has another relationship can be difficult for children, especially if that woman has children of her own who live with her/them. They may feel that he prefers to be with his ‘new’ children, they’re a part of his new life. They may feel relegated to his old life, the life he has chosen to walk away from.

Click here for Part II 

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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forms of abuse

Forms of Abuse and how Abuse can Creep up on You

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

Imagine you went on a first date with someone who was sarcastic, nasty, disparaging towards you.  It’s hard to believe that you would agree to a second date.

Yet an abusive relationship can creep up on us and have us gradually accepting that behaviour, justifying it, perhaps even feeling that we are in some way responsible for it happening.

The abuser often couches their behaviour subtly; they claim to be trying to help us improve, are encouraging us to remedy a perceived failing or flaw.

It is often sexual abuse that gains the most media coverage but abuse also covers physical, emotional and mental cruelty and can be experienced by both men and women, young and old, in all strata of society. It’s important for us to be aware if escalating patterns of unacceptable, sustained bad treatment start to appear.

Forms of Abuse

– Abuse is often about control. The abuser may be insecure, afraid of losing you, fearful that you’ll find someone better, so they try to hold onto the relationship by increasingly checking where you’re going, what you’re doing, how you’re spending your money, how you dress.

Often an abuser will try to make you increasingly dependent and reliant on them. They may discourage you from working; they earn enough, why not take a break, why not take some time to think about doing something else?

It can be a seductive, attractive process where you feel cared for, loved, supported but over time you gradually lose your financial independence, career, friends, even family.

– Emotional abuse often starts by establishing a cosy ‘us against the world’ scenario where you’re assured that you’re all they have/need/want.  

At first you feel loved and secure, safe in the loving bubble of warmth and protection. Gradually you’ll find you spend less time with friends, especially if it becomes an increasing hassle to make arrangements, they are regarded as a bad influence or your family is accused of being unfriendly or interfering.

It often becomes harder to make plans to see ‘outsiders’.

You may find that when you try to make plans to see them those plans regularly clash with special or important functions you’re required to attend or there is an insistence in dropping you off and picking you up, often arriving earlier than necessary. This in itself may be fine.

You justify the behaviour as friendly, sociable, helpful, but combined with negative remarks about your clothes, hair, makeup you may gradually start to lose all sense of 
confidence in yourself.

Some abusers become so controlling that they methodically check every transaction on bank statements, query every call or text on the itemised phone bill, undertake daily mileage checks on the car, return home at unexpected times to see what their partner is doing.

forms of abuse www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Abuse in a relationship can happen to anyone

If you try to challenge their behaviour they will justify themselves logically and reasonably, even making you feel guilty, apologetic at having questioned their motives.

– Physical abuse often starts with a tap, a push, an angry slap.

Sometimes alcohol is involved. The perpetrator is often seriously contrite afterwards, promising never to repeat their behaviour.

It’s important to be firm with them, discuss what’s happened and insist that help is sought, perhaps to specifically deal with anger management or alcohol related issues.

Keep a diary of abusive behaviour, try to save money for an emergency fund and have a safe place where you can escape if you’re afraid that the situation is deteriorating.

– Sexual abuse can involve gradual but increasing degradation; the pressure to do things, engage in practices you find off-putting, unpleasant, painful or humiliating.

You may be accused of being frigid, a prude, old-fashioned but whilst it can be fun to experiment and explore sex together, a relationship should be about both parties feeling comfortable and moving at a pace that is fine for them both.

Start as you mean to go on is an important message for new relationships.

Keep regular channels of communication open between you and be sure to discuss any areas you feel unhappy about. Be firm and refuse to be bullied into doing things you don’t want to do. You’re allowed to change your mind even if you’ve gone along with 
things previously.

If you’re beginning to feel uneasy in your relationship find an ally, a friend, a therapist with whom you can confidentially discuss matters. It may be that you’re being over-sensitive, feeling vulnerable, or past experiences have made you ultra-cautious. Even so, you’re entitled to consideration and respect, to have your concerns listened to. 

Is there a place you could go to de-stress, take a break, giving you both time to reflect on your relationship? Might you benefit from outside help from a counsellor, a mediator, priest, family friend?

Take time to explore what the triggers are, what happens to spark off the abusive behaviour. Look for help for either or both of you to deal with those issues. It’s important to protect yourself and your self-esteem, but you may be able to help your abuser too.

If you’re worried about your situation and would like to speak with someone, here’s a website that gives you a list of services and charities that can help you – www.thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help

About Susan

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

T: 0161 928 7880
E: susan@lifestyletherapy.net 

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the importance of grandparents

The Importance of Grandparents

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

Grandparents are increasingly appreciated for the vital role they are able to play in the raising and support of their grandchildren. As the number of single-parent families increases grandparents are often called upon to help with finances, childcare and perhaps even provide a home for a time.

Grandparents are often uniquely placed to play a vital role in the family.

Let’s look at the importance of grandparents:

– They can provide a calm approach, given that there are few things they’re unlikely to have not seen before.

Having one’s first child is often a daunting experience, causing fear, concern, apprehension at the enormity of the responsibility that’s being shouldered. At the same time many parents continue to work, sometimes for long hours which result in them coming home guilty, stressed, over-tired and frustrated at the demands of their situation.

Grandparents are often happy to be in a position where they can offer support to their children and grandchildren. They may regard it as an opportunity to remedy mistakes they made with their own children, look forward to being able to spend quality time with their grandchildren and have another chance, a chance to do a better job this time.

– Grandparents can introduce a different perspective into parenting.

Parents may be focussed on giving their children what they see to be the best possible start in life, regardless of each child’s particular skills, aptitudes and interests. They often want them to have the best education, upbringing, connections and opportunities.

They may be prepared to over-commit themselves financially, working long hours to pay the bills, when the child may be better-suited to a less academic environment, surrounded by a loving family with whom they spend quality time.

Grandparents can often see the picture from both points of view. They may be in a position where they can influence decisions to support what’s best for the individual child, looking to nurture their future happiness and wellbeing.

– They can provide stability.

Parents often have to work and an increasing number of families consist of a single parent where the other has visitation rights.

In other families there may be step-parents and step or half brothers and sisters. A grandparent may be the reliable, consistent figure who acts as a go-between or mediator between parents and/or children.

They may provide a ready ear, dispense wisdom and advice and offer a calm, welcoming haven whenever required.Time and patience are often their biggest assets. Parents often find that they are stressed and pushed for time. Grandparents are often able and willing to bridge that gap and provide stability.

the Importance of Grandparents www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Grandparents are often uniquely placed to play a vital role in the family.

– The calm presence of a grandparent can offer reassurance to both adult children and grandchildren.

Knowing someone older and wiser is on their side can give a feeling of security, along with wisdom, experience and a levelling influence. A lifetime’s experience can bring a balanced perspective into situations and because they are often not directly involved in their children’s family matters, they can nevertheless bring authority and insight, tempered by love and concern as they help to arbitrate and resolve matters.

– A connection to the past is often important to young children.

They are fascinated with stories of the ‘olden days’, the days when their grandparents were the age they are now.

Photographs, mementoes and anecdotes are often relished and grandparents are often happy to repeat their stories to an enthusiastic audience. Children enjoy discovering about their past, enjoy the feeling of continuity and belonging, learning about their heritage. Grandparents are often more than happy to share these stories.

Grandparents are more important than ever in many families. As many families split up, become fractured with new partners and siblings, perhaps move home, grandparents are able to provide some sense of balance and reassurance. They can provide security, familiarity and a sense of belonging. Families need grandparents. They are often an important stabilising influence.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

T: 0161 928 7880
E: susan@lifestyletherapy.net 

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