Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine
No, unfortunatly it doesn’t. Anger doesn’t end with divorce.
For so many going through divorce, the crossing of the threshold to a new life seems to be the eagerly anticipated sound of the decree absolute landing on the doormat.
We believe in earnest that once the divorce is over, then we can get on with our lives allowing for a good life after divorce without the ex that we are dying to get rid off.
We have divorce parties to celebrate with well thought out and decorated divorce cakes to go with it or we go out for celebratory drinks and meals with friends because the divorce papers have been signed, divorce process is over and now all that is left is to look forward to moving on and eventually start dating again. It’s done and dusted and there’s no looking back.
And for some it is.
For me, the arrival of the decree absolute was such an anticlimax!
Truth is though that anger doesn’t end with divorce.
If the divorce process was shrouded in hostility, bitterness and animosity then it’s safe to assume that these emotions will not simply dissipate now that the marriage is over. You still have to parent your children together and you will still need to communicate at some level or other.
A good friend of mine firmly stated the other day, that she would not be attending her son’s graduation ceremony if he’s going to be there. She was justifiably annoyed by something her ex had done and/or said a couple of weeks prior.
Thing is, and I’m sure most of you will agree with me, it’s not just the graduation, there will be loads and loads of other ceremonies where you and your ex are bound to meet. Think, school events, graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, christenings and all the other ceremonies in between and beyond. What will happen then?
So unfortunately, anger doesn’t end with divorce because anger is indeed the culmination of a myriad of other emotions including hurt and fear.
So this is what I suggest to you, if you have had a truly acrimonious divorce, if you continue and continue to feel angry about the whole process or for whatever reason – be honest – then do something about it. Deal with it, see someone and learn how to cope with your ex because your life together is not over yet.
Best pieces of advice I ever got –
- Don’t take it personally. He would have been behaving the same way he is with someone else. It just happens to be you.
- It is what it is.
- When in an argument – look from the outside in. Remove yourself and become an onlooker. This helps to disengage with the process and you actually see things differently – comes with practice and works in soooo many other situations.
So, if you’re going through the divorce process now and you have children between you, I hate to be the one to tell you this but, you’re not done with your spouse or the parent of your child, so find a system that will help you cope with life as a co-parent and remember, as someone once said, your ex is not your child’s ex so keep them out of your clashes, bickering and quarrels.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Great tips on dealing with anger post-divorce. I thought of my ex as a cartoon character, which made him laughable instead annoying. When a ceremony is large, sit across the room from an ex. Or bring a friend to act as a body guard. Probably the ex would not approach the woman at their son’s graduation ceremony.